‘I did!’
‘You didn’t!’
‘Well, I was letting you win because you’re a child,’ I burst out. ‘And anyway, it isn’t fair because you have chess classes.’
‘Perhaps you could join the chess classes, Mrs Darcy?’ Oh GOD. What was Mr Wallaker doing still listening? ‘There is an age limit of seven, but if we stretch that to mental age I’m sure you’ll be fine. Did Billy tell you his other news?’
‘Oh!’ said Billy, brightening. ‘I’ve got nits!’
‘Nits!’ I stared at him aghast, hand reaching instinctively to my hair.
‘Yes, nits. They’ve all got them.’ Mr Wallaker looked down, a slight flicker of amusement in his eyes. ‘I realize this will cause a National Emergency amongst the north London Mumserati and their coiffeurs but you simply need to nit-comb them. And yourself, of course.’
Oh God. Billy had been scratching his head recently but I’d sort of blanked it as one thing too many to take on. Could feel my head starting to crawl as my mind cartwheeled. If Billy’s got nits, then probably Mabel’s got nits, and I’ve got nits, which means that . . . Roxster has got nits.
‘Everything all right?’
‘Yes, no, super!’ I said. ?
?Everything’s fine, jolly good, bye then, Mr Wallaker.’
Walked away, holding Billy’s and Mabel’s hands, to hear a ping on my mobile. Hurriedly put on my glasses to read the text. It was from Roxster.
Gaaah! Cannot have Roxster coming over when we have to nit-comb everyone and wash all the pillowcases. Surely it is not normal to be thinking of an excuse to cancel your toy boy because the entire household has got nits? Why do I keep getting myself into such a mess?
5 p.m. We burst back into our terrace house, with the usual jumble of backpacks, crumpled paintings, squashed bananas, plus a large bag of nit-combing products from the chemist, and clattered past the ground-floor ‘lounge/office’ (increasingly redundant apart from the sofa bed and empty John Lewis boxes) and down the stairs into the warm messy basement/kitchen/sitting room where we spend all our time. I settled Billy to do his homework and Mabel to play with her ‘Hellvanians’ (Sylvanian bunnies) while I put on the spag bog. But now am in total fug about what to text Roxster about tonight, and whether I should tell him about the nits.
5.15 p.m. Maybe not.
5.30 p.m. Oh God. Had just texted when Mabel suddenly sprang up and started singing Billy’s least favourite song at him, ‘Forgeddabouder money money money!’ Then the phone rang.
Lunged at it, just as Billy jumped up, yelling, ‘Mabel, stop singing Jessie J!’ and a receptionist’s voice purred, ‘I have Brian Katzenberg for you.’
‘Um, could I possibly call Brian back in—’
‘Berbling, berbling!’ sang Mabel, chasing Billy round the table.
‘I have Brian on now.’
‘Nooo! Can you just—’
‘Mabel!’ wailed Billy. ‘Stop iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.’
‘Shhh! I’m on the PHONE!’
‘Heyyyyyy!’ Brian’s brisk cheery voice. ‘So! Great news! Greenlight Productions want to take out an option on your script.’
‘What?’ I said, heart leaping. ‘Does that mean they’re going to make it into a film?’
Brian laughed heartily. ‘It’s the movie business! They’re just going to give you a small amount of money to develop it, and—’
‘Mummeee! Mabel’s got a knife!’
I put my hand over the receiver, hissing, ‘MABEL! Give me the knife! Now!’
‘Hello? Hello?’ Brian was saying. ‘Laura, I think we’ve lost Bridget . . .’
‘No! I’m here!’ I said, flinging myself at Mabel, who was now hurtling after Billy, brandishing the knife.