I’d sort of known that that’s what had happened, but it still felt like a kick in the gut to have her confirm it. Again, I couldn’t help thinking about how things might have been different. What if I had just stopped back at her place that night to say goodbye? Would things have ended up differently?
But then, I realized that I didn’t really matter. Things had worked out the way they had, and I was pretty happy at the moment, all things considered. I might have missed the first three years of my daughter’s life, and things between Harper and I might still be a little strained and uncertain, but overall, I had to admit that I couldn’t have planned things better.
Nor would I have been the same kind of dad three years ago if Harper had told me when she first got pregnant. Oh, I would have taken care of her and the baby. That wasn’t even a question. But back then, I’d expected that the military was going to be my lifelong career. I would have felt like Harper and Ava were dragging me away from it. And maybe I would have become a man that I hated.
Things had worked out for the better. I had to keep telling myself that.
I started pulling things out of the picnic basket. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I brought a little of everything. All homemade,” I told Harper. “There’s brisket, buns, macaroni salad, regular salad, pickles, and some other sides.”
“Homemade? Really?” Harper asked in surprise.
I laughed. “Believe it or not, I can cook something other than MREs,” I told her. I shrugged. “I grew up doing most of the cooking in our household because my dad usually wasn’t in any shape to be anywhere near a stove. I got pretty good at it after a while.”
“Did I mention how I think you’ll make the perfect dad?” Harper asked. Then she grimaced, clapping a hand over her mouth. “Sorry, that was a really awkward way to bring up the whole Ava thing.”
I shook my head. “That’s fine,” I insisted. I paused. “Look, I wasn’t expecting to be a dad. But I want to be part of Ava’s life. I’ve changed a lot from the man you knew in Kuwait. Honestly, I’ve changed a lot even since I’ve been here in Boston. I’ve grown up more. And I understand if you don’t want me to be alone with her, but I hope that I can still be part of her life.”
“Are you sure she’s yours?” Harper asked snidely. Again, she looked embarrassed to have said it. “I just mean, because you sent that DNA test.”
“I believe that she’s mine,” I said simply. “I believed you even back then. I just sent that because I was angry and because I was afraid that you weren’t going to let me see her, no matter what I wanted or what happened between you and I.” I paused. “I hoped that we could settle things like this, like adults, but if not, I really was prepared to bring you to court if I had to. She’s my daughter.”
“I know,” Harper sighed, and I could tell that she was relieved. She paused, taking a bite of the macaroni salad. “I do think that it’s best that we stop seeing each other romantically, though. There’s just too many complications. Too many problems th
at could come up. I don’t want to mess things up between you and Ava.”
“She’s my daughter; do you really think you could do that?” I asked. I meant it as a joke, but Harper didn’t look amused. I shook my head, reaching out to take her hands. “Harper, whatever happens between us, it’s not going to come between Ava and me. Or between you and Ava, for that matter. She’s too young to really understand, and as long as we act like mature adults and communicate about things, there’s no reason that it should have to be a problem.”
Harper pulled her hands away. “I just can’t take that risk,” she said stubbornly, shaking her head.
I stared at her for a long moment. “Okay,” I finally said. I didn’t agree with her, but I wanted her to be happy, and I wanted Ava in my life. I could tell that she didn’t want to fight about this, and I didn’t want her to decide that I was being too much trouble and that she didn’t want me around Ava at all anymore. So I nodded. “No more romantic entanglements between us. That’s fine.”
“Good,” Harper said.
“So can we set up some sort of schedule for when I can see Ava?” I asked. “I was thinking that maybe she and I could have park outings on the weekends when I have dogs to take out. If that’s okay with you. I know you were worried that she would start getting attached to the dogs, but I think if we explained to her that they weren’t her dogs and if I rotated through and brought different dogs each time, things would be okay, and she’d still get to play with some of the dogs.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Harper said. She laughed. “She hasn’t stopped talking about how much she wants a dog in weeks.”
“Sorry,” I said, grinning at her. “She must take after her dad.”
“Something like that,” Harper said ruefully. “I just really don’t think we can get one at the moment. They take so much work, and I’m not always around for the whole day where I could walk a dog or whatever.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.” I paused. “But I was thinking that maybe I could get a dog. Take it with me to work as needed, but you guys could take care of it for a couple days a week as well. Or something like that.”
“So now we’re figuring out joint custody of a hypothetical dog as well as our daughter?” Harper asked archly.
I laughed. “I have to admit, that’s basically what we’re doing,” I agreed. “When you put it that way, it sounds really stupid. Forget about it. We’ll see where things stand in a few months.”
She paused. “I do think we should tell her the truth.”
“That she can’t have a dog of her own because her mom thinks it would be too much responsibility?” I teased.
“No, I meant about us,” Harper said, her eyes serious. “Or rather, about who you really are. I think we should tell Ava that you’re her dad.”
“Okay,” I agreed immediately. I smiled. “I’d actually hoped that would be okay with you, but I didn’t want to press too soon.”
“No, I think we should do that,” Harper said. “It’s about time she knew who her dad was. And she’s smart. I don’t want to confuse her by trying to hide who you really are, and I also don’t want her to guess who you are on her own.”
I smirked since that was how I had realized Ava was my daughter. Judging by Harper’s slightly sheepish grin, I knew she was thinking the same thing.