Wiping away the stray tear that had fallen, I got out my phone and scrolled through the pictures of the Halloween that had just passed. It was the first time we had really made an event out of it. Noah was too young the first time around, and the next few years, I had just been trying to stay afloat. So when Kristen had brought it up this year, I had decided to get into the spirit of the holiday for Noah.
He had decided he wanted to be a dinosaur, so Kristen had made him a fantastic costume that Noah had gone nuts over. Kristen had shown up as Cher in one of her more modest outfits, and I had put on my old uniform for the first time in years and gone as the ghost of my past life. I had meant to be ironic, but wearing the uniform had filled me with vigor, and I had enjoyed myself the whole night.
I scrolled through the pictures, and I couldn’t help noticing that we looked like any other ordinary happy family. A few people had actually mistaken us for just that. Noah was over the moon the whole night. He brought home a bag of candy, and the three of us had sat around the coffee table in the living room counting chocolates and sampling all our favorites.
Noah had stayed up past twelve that night, and it had taken five bedtime stories and a dozen nursery rhymes to coax him to sleep. Then Kristen and I had stayed in the living room and continued eating the candy that Noah had spent all night collecting. I was still looking through pictures when a call came in on my phone. When I saw who was calling, I felt a little pang and thought how life was sometimes full of signs.
“Isabelle,” I said, answering the call. “How are you?”
“Hi, Jake,” Isabelle replied. “I’m doing well. How is Noah?”
“Noah’s doing good,”
I nodded. “He fell asleep a little while ago.”
“Oh that’s too bad, I would have liked to speak to him,” she said. “It’s been too long since I’ve seen him.”
“I’m sorry, I should have called you before now.”
“I understand, Jake…”
“No, but I never fully apologized to you for freaking out the last time we spoke.”
“You didn’t freak out,” she said gently. “You just got…emotional. Which is completely understandable.”
“I just…it was hard for me to talk about her,” I admitted. “It hurt too much.”
“I suppose for me it helps to talk about her,” Isabelle said. “Which is why I kept pushing the topic. I should have realized it might be different for you. Which was why I decided to stay away for a little while and give you some space.”
“And, I appreciate that,” I said gratefully. “But I’ve had enough space now, and I don’t want to keep you away from Noah. He should know his grandmother.”
Isabelle’s voice got soft and tender. “How’s my little boy?” she asked. “He’s four-and-a-half now, isn’t he?”
“He’s going to be five soon,” I said. “I can’t quite believe it.”
“Neither can I,” Isabelle said. “It feels like just yesterday I was at the hospital with Daphne.”
We fell silent for a moment. “If you’re worried about upsetting me by talking about Daphne, you don’t have to worry. I’m okay to talk about her.”
“Really?”
“Well…the last few months have been sort of transformative for me,” I said. “I think I’ve done a lot of healing in that time.”
“That’s wonderful to hear,” she said. “In fact, I can hear the change in your voice. You sound like the old Jake.”
“The old Jake,” I repeated, with a smile. “I suppose he’s come back a little bit.”
“Oh, Jake, I’m so glad… I knew how hard the last few years have been for you.”
“I’ve come to terms with what happened,” I said. “Daphne’s death and everything that followed was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. But I did it, and I’d like to think I’m stronger for it.”
“Have you forgiven her, Jake?” Isabelle asked.
Again I thought about the timing of certain things as I mused on life’s strangeness. “I have,” I nodded honestly. “She’s not the only one who needs forgiving, though. I did my fair share of damage.”
“You didn’t expect her to re-enlist,” Isabelle said comfortingly.
“She enlisted because she couldn’t talk to me,” I said. “I’m not unaware that I drove her to Afghanistan.”