“Sorry, bro,” he said, grimacing as he saw my expression. “Wasn't trying to scare you. The doorman let me in when I showed him my ID and said I was your brother.”
“I'm going to have to have a talk with him,” I said, shaking my head.
“What, you aren't happy to see me?” Jeff asked. There was a guarded look to his eyes and something dark in his tone.
“It's not that,” I said. “You just scared me, that's all.”
“I didn't expect you to be home this soon,” Jeff said, peering at me. “Are you sick or something?”
I shrugged awkwardly and headed into the kitchen to make something for lunch and grab a beer or something. “Paul sent me home for the day,” I admitted.
“Really?” Jeff asked, sounding surprised. “I thought they would be happy to have you back. Haven't even seen you in the papers lately or anything.”
“Yeah, no, they're glad to have me back,” I said absently, pulling out things to make a sandwich. “You hungry?”
“Nah, I'm good,” Jeff said. I could practically hear him puzzling out the things that I wasn't saying. “Are you happy to be back?”
I paused for a long moment and then shrugged carefully. “This job is my life,” I told him.
“That doesn't mean you're happy,” Jeff pointed out sagely.
“I'm happy,” I said. “I've missed this place, and…” I frowned.
“You miss Hawaii more than you've missed this place?” Jeff prodded.
“I miss Gretchen,” I admitted. “It's stupid because she was just some girl, but...”
“Oh, don't try and tell me that,” Jeff said, shaking his head. “She wasn't 'just some girl' to you. I could tell that from the first time I ran into the two of you on the beach there. And I don't even know you all that well anymore.”
I sighed and scrubbed a hand over my face. “It doesn't matter anyway,” I told him, the same thing that I'd told Paul. “I fucked up. We got into a big fight on New Year's Eve, a little while before midnight, and the next morning, I just left. I didn't even tell her goodbye. I didn't even tell her that I was going to be leaving. She knew that I was going to be leaving at some point, but I didn't tell her when.”
“Yikes, man,” Jeff said, hopping up to sit on one of the barstools. “Sounds like you've made things difficult for yourself.”
“They're not just difficult,” I snapped. “I've totally ruined things.”
Jeff was silent for a long moment, and then he shook his head. “You probably thought the same with me, didn't you?” he finally said, his voice quiet and reflective. “But look at us now.”
I stared blankly at him. “You're saying you think I should, what, fly back to Hawaii and just tell Gretchen I'm sorry? Even if I did that, we wouldn't be able to stay together. Her life is there, and mine here.”
“Yours doesn't seem to be giving you a lot of satisfaction here in New York,” Jeff said, shrugging a little. “Obviously, I'm no shrink, but I can't help but wonder if that lack of fulfillment is exactly what's been causing you to go totally off the rails for the past few years.”
I scowled at him. “Yeah, yeah. Come on. I don't want you sitting in my kitchen giving me a lecture about it.”
“I'm not trying to give you a lecture,” Jeff said soothingly. “I'm just trying to tell you that you'll never know if you've totally ruined things unless you ask.”
I frowned and then took a big bite out of my sandwich, hoping he would realize that I was done with this conversation. “So, what's up with you anyway?” I asked once I had chewed and swallowed. Fortunately, Jeff let me change the subject, telling me all about the conference he was going to be taking part in that weekend.
I half-listened. I couldn't help thinking about what he'd said before, about how I wouldn't know unless I asked.
He was right.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Gretchen
“Ooh,” Mina said when I came to work on Wednesday morning. “That's a cute dress, is that new?”
I blushed a little and ran my hands down the purple material. “Yeah,” I admitted. “I did a little retail therapy on my day off.”