“Oh my god, Christian Wall!” my client said, her voice unnaturally shrill. She immediately threw her arms around him. “I thought you were back in New York already? Can we take a picture? My friends aren't going to believe this. It's you! Oh, my God. You look even more handsome in person. Do you need someone to show you around Hawaii? I haven't been here that long, but I know some great places.”
Christian grimaced but went through the motions, allowing the girl to take a selfie with him and chat his ear off. Finally, she seemed to notice the way he was looking at me, and she paused, glancing between the two of us. “Oh,” she said. “Oh. Sorry, I'll leave you to it.” She coughed lightly, gave him one last hug, and then, mercifully, left us in peace.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Christian
Gretchen didn't look happy to see me, standing there in the lobby of her shop, and I couldn't blame her. And then there was all the awkwardness with her customer recognizing me. If there was ever a time that I wished I could be totally unrecognizable, it was then. Still, it wasn't like I could tell the girl to get lost so that I could talk to Gretchen. I tried to convey to Gretchen with my eyes just how uncomfortable I was.
Finally, the woman left, and Gretchen and I were alone.
“Get out,” she whispered, her hands clenching into fists.
“Gretchen, please,” I said, desperate to just talk to her, to explain. I had a feeling if anyone was going to make sense of what was going on in my head right now, it was her. She had always seemed to understand me so well. So much better than I even understood myself. But she showed no signs of wanting to hear me say anything.
“Get out,” she repeated, louder this time. She pointed a finger at me. “You don't get to just disappear and then show up two weeks later like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's the way things work with your other fuck-buddies, but-”
“Gretchen, you were never just a fuck-buddy, and you know that. I would hope so, anyway,” I said pleadingly.
“Oh, really?” she asked sarcastically. “I thought that's what we were. Since, you know, we never were in a relationship or anything. Like you said, I knew you were going back to New York, and you knew I was going to stay here in Hawaii. We were just fucking. That's what fuck-buddies do, isn't it? No strings attached.”
“Gretchen,” I sighed, running a hand back through my hair.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. She caught my arm and began pushing me out her shop.
“I knew I'd ruined things,” I muttered, hating the raw feeling the crept into my voice.
Gretchen laughed bitterly. “What, was there any question of that?” she asked. “You were an ass to me, Christian. You-”
“Jeff said I wouldn't know if I'd ruined things unless I actually asked you,” I admitted. “God, I know it was stupid of me to fly all the way down here. I just...”
“As a matter of fact, I'm planning on going on a date with Lino this weekend,” she said, tossing her hair a little. “So, as you can see, whatever we had, I'm over it now.”
I grimaced. “Gretchen-” I started. Then, I shook my head. “I'm sorry. I know that that probably doesn't mean anything, but I'm sorry for the way I treated you on New Year's Eve and for the fact that I just skipped town without even telling you I was going. It was stupid. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I need to make sure you know how sorry I am. You're such an amazing woman, one of the only women who I've ever felt compelled to be close to.” I took a deep breath. “But I suppose that doesn't matter now. I fucked things up. I just hope that you're happy in the future, Gretchen, whoever you end up with, whether it's Lino or, or someone else. You deserve the best.”
Gretchen stared at me for a long moment, looking as though she was warring with herself internally. “You're sorry?” she said finally.
I took that as encouragement to continue. “I haven't been fair to you,” I said. “Like I said, you deserve the best, and I've been…”
“An ass,” Gretchen said succinctly.
“Worse than that,” I told her, shaking my head. “It's not just New Year's. We've been dating the whole time I've been here, but I refused to even try to commit to anything more than that. That wasn't fair to you. I knew that you were looking for a relationship, and I knew that I was acting as though we were in a relationship, without bothering to try to figure out any sorts of long-term details. But the truth is, Gretchen, I didn't know what I was doing.”
“What, you didn't realize you were stringing me along?” she asked harshly.
“It's not that,” I said softly. I shrugged awkwardly. “The thing is, I've never been in a relationship before. I knew I was getting in over my head, but I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to be doing or not doing. And by the time I realized we were basically in a relationship, it was too late to go back and forget about it all. I like you, Gretchen. I’m falling in love with you.”
She frowned, chewing on her lower lip. “But you're going back to New York,” she said finally. “And I'm staying here in Hawaii. You wouldn't compromise even to move to, like, California, would you? That's what relationships are about, though: compromise. And I understand that you don't know what you're doing and that-”
“Why California?” I interrupted, confused.
She made an impatient noise. “Because you could probably do your real estate stuff out of Los Angeles or San Francisco or somewhere, and I wouldn't be too upset to start up a massage studio by the beach there.”
I blinked, shocked by that. “You've been thinking about this, haven't you?” I asked weakly, feeling like the biggest heel in the world.
To my surprise, though, she looked a bit embarrassed. “Mina mentioned that one,” she admitted. “And it was only after you left.”
&nbs