I couldn’t help but smile as I looked at his collage. It was clear that he had a mother who loved him, but it also seemed clear that she was no longer alive. I saw angels and clouds across the top of his page. I felt for him and the loss he must feel. I couldn’t imagine living without my mother; she was truly one of my best friends.
As we wrapped up the session, everyone took their collages with them back to their rooms. They also brought pictures and glue sticks, just in case they had anything else to add before the next day when they would share their collage with the group; no scissors were allowed back in the rooms, though.
“I just need to cut out a few more pictures,” Erik said as everyone was leaving. “I’d like to fill up this empty section, if you don’t mind. I know I won’t work on it later and I like to finish things once I start them.”
I felt like the last comment was totally aimed at me and the yelling fit I had had with him earlier. I still felt horrible for the way I had talked to him. Not just because he seemed like an okay guy, but really because he was a patient and it had been entirely unprofessional of me. The way I had talked to him was much more about me and my own issues than it was about him and his issues. I really didn’t know him well enough to know what his issues were.
“Cassidy, stay with him and put everything back in the cabinet when he’s done, please,” Jarrod said.
“Sure.”
As everyone left the room, the comfort level between Erik and I seemed to go with them. Being left alone with him wasn’t anything I had planned. I sat there quietly as he cut pictures and casually looked up at me. I thought about apologizing to him for the way I had talked before, but that didn’t seem necessary. He clearly wasn’t angry with me, so I decided to just drop it and move forward.
Sometimes he smiled; sometimes he just looked at me and went back to work. I didn’t want to talk first. I really didn’t have anything to say. I had acted like a total jerk to him earlier, and if I managed to say a single word, it should have been to apologize to him.
“I’m sorry,” Erik said as he put the scissors down and reached across the table and touched my hand.
My whole body froze as I looked at him. Why was his hand touching mine? Why was he apologizing? He hadn’t done anything wrong; it had been me who screamed like some sort of crazy person. It took me a moment to figure out what was going on. I had been thinking about apologizing to him for so long that I thought maybe I had imagined him saying something to me. But there he was with his hand on mine, and as he looked at me, I realized he definitely had just apologized to me.
“Okay,” I managed to mutter. “But what are you apologizing for?”
His hand on my skin was sending a nervous feeling throughout my body. I felt warm and shaky as I looked at him. Is he flirting with me, or just being nice? I couldn’t tell. Do I want him to flirt with me?
No. What am I even thinking? This guy was a patient. He was off limits. He was also a bit of an ass. He was going through withdrawal really badly and was literally reaching out for help though, so I couldn’t exactly just leave him hanging.
“Seriously, I’m sorry for being such a jerk. I had planned to leave after the first week and then decided to stay. But then I was going to leave again. I just couldn’t make up my mind. You were right. Thanks.”
His voice was calm and even as he spoke to me. I searched his eyes for some sign that he was being sarcastic. How was I right? I couldn’t even remember what I had said to him. The only thing I remembered was yelling at the poor guy and making him feel bad enough that he had climbed out of bed and come to group.
“What was I right about?” I managed to say with a bit of a grin.
It wasn’t often that anyone told me I was right about something. Typically, I was the one making mistakes and not following the rules, both at work and at home.
“About me not getting better if I didn’t get out of bed. Well, I’m not sure what better is for me yet. But lying around in bed isn’t me. That’s not who I am, and I needed some tough love to show me that.”
“Love?” I said with a raised eyebrow as I held back a laugh.
“Oh, you know what I mean.” He laughed and gave me a tap on my hand as he pulled his hand back toward his side of the table. “I needed someone to be straight with me and that was exactly what you did. I appreciate it, and I wanted you to know.”
I missed the warmth of his touch instantly and longed to feel his skin on mine again. There was one thing for sure: Erik’s touch had instantly made me feel comfortable with him. There was no longer awkwardness between us, and instead I felt like I was sitting across the table from a very close friend.
Weirdly enough, I didn’t know much about Erik at all. All I knew so far was that he didn’t have family that he thought cared about him and his mother appeared to have died. My initial impression of him was that he was some sort of rich brat who had been given the family money, but I was starting to rethink that version of who he was.
“Did your mom pass away?” I asked in an effort to get to know him a little more.
“Yeah, it was a long time ago, when I was a teenager, but I still miss her like it happened yesterday.”
“It must be hard not to have family there for you. I live with my mom and dad, and they are my rocks. I couldn’t imagine life without them.”
“Let’s change the subject,” Erik said without continuing down the path I was trying to take him.
“I don’t want to sound like a jerk, really I don’t. But why come to treatment if you don’t want to get better?”
“I don’t really have a drug or drinking problem. I’m just here so my business partner can get a deal closed for a new project we are working on.”
“It sounds like you must have had a problem if they wanted you to come here, though, right?”
“Nah; you know those California types.”