Kristen’s neighborhood was kind of homey, but there was raggedness about it, as though it were trying to straighten itself out, but the effort was too much. I wondered why I was so interested in her life all of a sudden. She had been my secretary for months now, and I had never felt the need to know more about her. I realized with a start that dinner tonight had been a pivotal shift for me.
Now she was not just my secretary. She was a fully formed person, with a past and a story and a bag full of history that had followed her here from Michigan.
A part of me knew it had been a mistake to take things so personally. She had called me Jake all evening, and I had accepted the change happily. It felt nice and familiar, and I realized how much I had missed that. When I couldn’t stall anymore, I drove back to my apartment, comparing it mentally in my head to Kristen’s. Mine was huge and spacious and even extravagant if you put them side-by-side. I decided not to think about that.
I heard the television running when I walked in. The moment I set my keys down on the table, Janet turned it off and stood up.
“Jake,” she said. “You’re here.”
“I hope I’m not too late,” I said, taking pains to be polite.
“I actually expected you to be later than this,” she replied.
“Listen, Janet,” I said. “About the last time… I’m sorry I gave you a hard time about leaving. You cleared it with me beforehand, and I should have remembered.”
She seemed pleasantly surprised by my apology, and I realized that my dinner with Kristen had vastly improved my mood and my attitude.
“Thank you for that,” she nodded.
“How’s your father?”
“He’s doing as well as can be expected,” she replied. “But the chemo is difficult for him. I think he just likes having family there with him: helps make it
a little easier.”
“Of course,” I nodded. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
Janet’s eyes glazed over for a moment and she looked a little distant, as though she were remembering something from long ago. “It’s funny how life is, isn’t it?”
“Funny?” I asked, taking a cue from the expression on her face. “Or tragic.”
Janet smiled. “I suppose I mean both,” she said. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“It’s a really personal one.”
I felt reluctance almost immediately, but I sensed that she was in need of some conversation and was seeking me out because I was particularly qualified to handle this question.
“Go ahead,” I said at last.
“What went through your head when you heard your wife had died?”
I knew it was going to be a question like that. I was silent for a long time. “I can’t quite describe it,” I said finally. “I know that probably sounds like a cop out, but the truth is…you don’t feel much of anything at first. At least, that’s how I felt when I heard. I lived in a different apartment at the time, and Noah was crawling around on the floor when I got the call.
“I think I just zoned out for a while. My mind couldn’t process anything. I was just…a zombie for a couple of days.”
“How did you manage, with Noah?”
“I have an aunt who lives in the next state,” I admitted. “I left Noah with her for a couple of days and just drove.”
“Drove?” Janet repeated. “Where?”
“Anywhere,” I said. “I spent the night in cheap motels, and when I couldn’t find a motel, I just slept in my car. There were moments when I wasn’t sure I was even going back.”
“How long did you stay away for?”
“Five nights, six days,” I replied. “Which was two nights longer than I said I’d be away for, so my aunt was beside herself with relief when I showed up a few days later.”