I smiled. “Aunt Margo,” I said gently. “Say yes, go out with this man. You can’t spend your whole life stuck in the past. You’ve got to move on.”
“Do you think… Do you think he wou
ld mind?” she asked, in a shy voice.
“Henry?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Henry loved you,” I said. “He would have wanted you to be happy. You’re more than just an aunt to me; you’re like my second mother, and I want you to be happy, too.”
“You’re a sweet boy.”
I sighed. “I haven’t been lately,” I said, feeling that same sense of self-disappointment again.
“Then do something about it,” Aunt Margo said immediately.
I smiled. “I’ll try,” I said. “I promise I will if you agree to go out on a date with this guy.”
I could sense that she was smiling. “Okay,” she said, at last. “But I’m only doing this for you.”
I laughed. “I can live with that.”
“Love you, Jacob.”
“Love you, Aunt Margo.”
Once we’d hung up, I walked into the quiet apartment. I could hear a faint voice coming from Noah’s room, so I walked over quietly, with the conversation I’d just had with Aunt Margo playing over in my head. I was so thrilled for her, but I felt sad, too. That was possibly the saddest thing about everything that had happened—the lost possibility of what might have been.
Noah’s door was slightly ajar, so I peeked inside. Kristen was sitting on the bed with Noah, and he was tucked under her arm. His head was resting lightly against her shoulder while she read to him softly. Her voice was rhythmic, almost as though she were singing him a lullaby. I could see that he was almost asleep, but was desperately fighting to stay awake till the story was over.
I didn’t listen to the actual words of the story, but I loved the sound of Kristen’s voice. It was so soothing that it hit me right in the heart. It didn’t help that I was already emotional after talking to Aunt Margo. My head spun as I thought about Henry and Daphne and all the people I had lost over the last few years. It was more loss than one person should have to bear.
I thought about my childhood and all the people that had disappeared from my life since then. Aunt Margo and Uncle Ashton had divorced only two years after Henry’s death. I hadn’t seen him since then. My father and mother were gone, too. All my friends had chosen college when I had chosen the military, and that had created enough distance that we had just faded slowly out of each other’s lives.
Now what did I have left? I thought. An aunt who lived alone with three dogs and a bunch of birds she kept in the backyard, and a four-year-old who relied on me for everything? That was the length and breadth of my world, and even I knew it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for me, and it certainly wouldn’t be enough for Noah.
And yet, I didn’t know what to do about that.
I thought about Aunt Margo and the new relationship she was about to embark on. I was thrilled for her, but it also made me realize how damaged I was. I had freaked out on Kristen after our date, and I was fairly certain she was going to leave because of it. I glanced over at Kristen and Noah, and I realized that they looked like mother and son. The way their bodies were entangled together was familiar and comfortable, and I could sense the bond already there between them.
Maybe that was what sent me over the edge. Unable to contain my emotion any longer, I retreated to my room and closed the door. I started pacing slowly as tears pierced my cheeks. I hadn’t cried since Daphne’s death three years ago, and I realized why. Breaking down was never a good idea anymore because there was no one around to put the pieces back together anymore. I had to stay strong for Noah, so I could never afford the luxury of just being sad.
That realization sent me spiraling into anger and more memories of my life with Daphne. I felt the anger build inside me, and unable to contain myself, I punched the lampshade beside my bed, sending it hurtling to the ground with a crash.
“Fuck,” I said, annoyed with my own outburst. “Fuck.”
I leaned against the wall and sunk slowly to the ground with my head in my hands. The tears weren’t stopping, and I felt like I was drowning.
“Jake?”
Her voice sent fear snaking through me. I froze in place and stayed silent. I could sense her just outside my bedroom door.
“Jake?” she called again.
A second later, the door opened cautiously, and Kristen peered through. She saw me instantly, and I saw her eyes grow wide as she saw the state I was in. I expected her to apologize and then back out of the room to leave me to my breakdown, but to my surprise, she walked right in and closed the door behind her. Then she walked over and sunk to her knees in front of me.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” she said. “But it’s okay…everything’s going to be alright.”