“Don’t act innocent,” I said accusingly. “You were trying to bait me, and you succeeded…as usual.”
“As usual, you insist on misunderstanding every single thing I say to you,” she said, sounding annoyed. “I wasn’t trying to bait you, at all. I was trying to advise you.”
“Oh really?” I said. “Is that what you were doing?”
“Seriously, Kristen, think about what you’re doing,” Mom continued. “You’re in San Diego; you’re working under your brother-in-law who has no clue who you are. Do you really think this is going to end well?”
I was about to defend myself, but then I stopped short. It was only the denial spurring forward my self-righteousness. The truth was I was scared about everything that she was saying. Maybe instead of going on the defensive, it would actually help me to talk to her about everything.
“I… I’m scared,” I admitted shakily.
“What?” she asked. I could tell she was shocked by my admission. She had expected anger and indignation, and she wasn’t prepared for self-doubt and insecurity.
“I’m scared,” I said clearly. “I… I know I screwed up by not telling Jake who I really was. I just… Things happened so fast and… I just didn’t say anything, and then I felt like it was too late.”
“You sound like you care a lot about him,” she observed.
“Yes,” I said, deciding not to lie about that. “I do care about him. I care about Noah, too.”
“You’ve spent time with his son?” Mom sounded shocked.
“I babysit for him,” I admitted. “Every once in a while.”
“You are sleeping with him,” she said bluntly.
“No—”
“Don’t bother denying it, Kristen,” she said. “I don’t even have to see your face to know the truth. I can hear it in your voice. You’re in love with the man.”
I stuttered and stumbled, and that gave me away. “Fuck,” I said, at last.
“Do you see now?” Mom asked suddenly, as her tone changed.
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Do you understand my perspective now, at least?”
“I still don’t understand.”
She sighed. “You always judged me for my relationship with your father. You ridiculed me for the choice I had made. But I never really had a choice because you can’t choose who you love. It happens to you when you least expect it. And sometimes the person you fall in love with is not the ‘right’ person, he’s not the ‘conventional’ choice, but…he’s the one you love, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it.”
I was silent for a moment, amazed and astounded by how she had managed to justify her life away. Despite the new burst of anger in my gut, I forced myself to stay calm and talk this out.
“You never felt guilty?” I asked. “About the fact that you were cheating with another woman’s husband?”
“She was not a good wife to him, Kristen,” Mom said.
“So?” I demanded. “What is that supposed to mean? She deserved to have been cheated on?”
“Your father and I were in love,” she said. “Our love was worth everything.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
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I shook my head and gave a crackle of ironic laughter.