I wanted her to be excited to hear me out, not dreading what she would have to say back to me. She looked so pretty sitting there, all bundled up in her coat now that it was starting to get cold at night. I had never looked at a woman that way before, and it was a bit overwhelming. Still, I needed to say what I came to say, knowing that whatever decision Elana made, it was the right one for her.
“So, I want to say a couple of things,” I said, watching her head turn toward me. “First, I want to apologize for the way that I left you last weekend. I should have woken you up and said goodbye, or at least left you a note that you could find in the morning. I ran out of the house in the middle of the night, and I know that has to have affected you in a way that I never meant to. It was extremely ungentlemanly of me to do.”
“Thank you for acknowledging that,” she said, turning to look out the window.
“Next, I want to apologize to you for that text that I sent,” I said, grimacing at the thought. “I have never in my life said something like that over a piece of technology, and I’m really ashamed that I did you like that. Of all the people in my life, you’re the one that deserved the most kindness, the most heart, and the biggest consideration, but instead, I greeted you with a text that was wrong in so many ways. If my mother knew I did something like that, hell, she would kick my ass, and I’m a grown man. I have to admit, though, I haven’t been acting like a grown man very much lately. The truth of the matter is, I took the coward’s way out, depending on technology to deliver a message that should have never been sent in the first place. I was too afraid to talk to you to your face, but that was what you deserved. You didn’t deserve to be blindsided by me the way I did.”
My palms were sweaty, and I rubbed them around the steering wheel as I drove along. I knew that she was listening to me, but it was killing me that she wasn’t having any response to my words. The speech I had cooked up in my head was so much better than the blabbering I was doing right then and there in the car, but as soon as I saw Elana’s face, everything that I had thought of went right out of my head, leaving me to improvise. So, there I was, staring at the lines on the road, nervously trying to express to Elana how sorry I was without sounding like an idiot. I felt like I was failing miserably.
“I’ll be honest,” I said, continuing. “I sent that message instead of talking to you face to face because I was scared to see you. I had made my mind up, not based on my heart, but completely based on fear and guilt. I wasn’t clearheaded in the least, and I knew that if I stood in front of you, there was a really good chance that I would have lost my nerve. I would have ended up with the right decision, though I couldn’t see it at the time.
“Everything about our time together had been perfect. From the laughter and togetherness that your mom and you showed me earlier in the day, to the laughter that we shared at the pool hall, and all the way to how we made love that night. It was all so damn perfect, and I tell you what, it sent me for a loop. It freaked me out that I could have feelings like these for you, and I kept fighting with myself to know whether I was making the right choice or not. I had never been in a situation like that before, and I really had no idea what I was doing or what I was supposed to do in that circumstance. It’s not meant to be an excuse. There is no excuse for my actions. I’m just trying to give you an idea of what my mindset was like so hopefully you can understand where I was coming from with all of this.”
I really didn’t want to bring up Lillie, but I knew that she was a seriously big part of Elana and my story. The thought of mentioning her name made me hesitate, but I knew that if I wasn’t upfront and honest with her right then and there, I would never have another chance to get her back. She still was sitting there, completely quiet, her hands clenched together, and her eyes darting back and forth out the window.
“I haven’t really dated anyone seriously since Lillie’s death,” I said. “What I have with you, though, feels so comfortable and so good.
I couldn’t even start to imagine what life would have been like if I had come back and never run into you. I’d probably still be stuck running the same loop every day and crying the same tears every night, never realizing that I was actually still alive, and I had the opportunity to make something beautiful out of my life.
“See, you were Lillie’s best friend, the only person that I knew she loved more than me, and I thought that being with you, loving you, was wrong, like it was going to offend her memory. In reality, I know that we will always have Lillie between us, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. She lights our path and gives us both hope. That was her eternal gift to this planet, opening our eyes to each other and to the bigger picture. I can see now that being afraid to be with you was wrong. It was the biggest mistake that I’ve ever made in my life.”
I took in a deep breath as we stopped in front of a stop light, sitting there for a minute as the other cars passed by. This was the big part, the questions that I had been dying to know the answers to. I knew that I had to do this, to commit to this, because Elana was my only way out of this trap that I had been enclosed in.
“I guess what the whole point to all of this is, besides just expressing how eternally sorry I am for the way that I treated you, was to ask you to stay with me,” I said, being completely vulnerable. “I’m asking if you’d be open to exploring what might be between us. If you decide that you want that as much as I do, I promise that we’ll take things very slowly. I will make sure you are safe and secure because this is what I want. I want to try for our sake. I just don’t think I want to be in a world where you aren’t by my side.”
Chapter 20
Elana
I sat there staring out the window, listening intently to Ollie. He seemed incredibly nervous, but at the same time, I could tell that he was being brutally honest, pulling no punches and giving it to me straight. He was telling me things that were inside his head and inside his heart, not just what he thought I would want to hear. Still, even as the words flowed from his mouth to my ears, I was having a hard time comprehending what he was saying. Was he saying that he wanted me? That he wanted me, and no one else but me? Was he really telling me that I was the girl for him, no matter what past that we had? I just couldn’t wrap my head around his words quickly enough.
I took in a deep breath and sat there, making sure that I understood what was going on before getting too excited or overwhelmed. He was telling me that he made a mistake and that he wanted me to be in his life, to see how far our feelings went for each other. It was everything that I had wanted to hear from him for so long. It was like my dreams were finally coming true. All those nights that I laid in bed, dreaming about what my life would be like if he and I ended up together were actually coming true. He wanted me to be the biggest part of his life, filling the empty spaces in between and walking into the future hand in hand, instead of standing still in the past.
Still, I hesitated, feeling the nerves rising in my chest, and the worry unload on my back. Things were never that easy and simple in real life. If anyone knew that, it was me. I wasn’t the kind of girl that ever got the guy, especially the guy who really did like me for me. There was a block right there at my heart, screaming out for me to be careful. If we did take the chance that he was talking about, and he behaved like he did a week ago, running away only to text me later with a generic “go your own way” kind of response, it would completely and utterly crush me.
I had struggled with my old memories, my grief, and my anger ever since he came back into the picture, but I knew that one more heartbreak would change me from who I was for the rest of my life. The whole idea of it thrilled me, and I felt a rush of excitement surrounding us, but I knew I couldn’t make a decision just based on the feelings I had for him. I knew that I would have to really think about whether I was ready for the consequences if he did what he did last time.
Was I really willing to take the risk of him rejecting me again? For some reason, the way he felt about me, the way he looked at me, and the kind of person he thought I was, was extremely important. Those things had actually mattered to me since the first time I met him with Lillie. I really wanted to believe that I could trust my heart in all of this.
I watched out of the window as we pulled up in front of my house, putting the car in park at the curb. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, and my mind was racing with thoughts of Ollie and myself growing together, in a relationship, through life. I could already see just how happy that we would be, but it was still fuzzy in a way that made me realize how terrified I was to have him hurt me again. I took a deep breath and turned toward Ollie, who was sitting there staring at me. He reached out and touched my hand, sending chills through my entire body. I leaned my head back against the seat rest and turned it toward him, showing how scared I was through the look in my eyes.
“I know that I’m asking a lot,” he whispered gently. “I just really think that we could be good together. No, even more than that, we could be epic together. I am surer about this than anything I have ever been sure of before, even when I asked Lillie to marry me, and I was pretty darn sure at that moment in time. I know that it will take you a really long time to trust me again fully, but I’m just asking you for the chance to prove to you that my word is my bond. Please, will you let me take you out soon? I don’t think that I can continue to go on without you in my life. It just doesn’t make any sense. I promise you that I won’t fuck up again, at least not on purpose, though I can’t promise I will remember every anniversary and every birthday. But I can promise you I won’t fuck up on the really big stuff.”
I tried to hold back a laugh, but I just couldn’t, so I smiled big and let it out. At first, he was confused, but then he realized that he had lightened me up enough to let his words into my heart. I knew in my heart and my mind what my answer needed to be. I knew that if I said no right then and there, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I knew if I walked away, I would spiral back down again, living in Lillie’s ghostly shadow. It was crazy to me how everything had flipped around. At first, I didn’t know if I could be near him because it made me think about Lillie and the grief, but now, it was the complete opposite. I was positive that if I didn’t have him in my life, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from falling back into a deep depression. It was almost as if he was the savior that I had been waiting for.
“Yes,” I said softly. “Yes, I will let you take me out and prove to me just how much you actually care about me. The thing is, Ollie, I think I already know how you feel about me because I feel the same way about you.”
The smile on his face lit up the entire car, and I was feeling back on cloud nine again. No matter how much caution I wanted to show, there was no way that I could hold back my feelings for him any longer. He was the man I had wanted for a very long time, and now he was telling me that he wanted me, too.
“Thank you,” he said happily. “I promise I’ll call you so that we can arrange a date. We can do anything you want.”
I smiled at him and giggled, watching as he reached over and took my hand in his. He grasped it tightly, pressing his lips against the back of it. The feeling of his warm lips against my skin sent shivers down my spine. Everything about this man made me want to be as close to him as I could possibly get. When his lips left my hand, he pulled my whole body closer, leaning over and kissing me gently on my cheek. The smell of his cologne wafted into my nostrils. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face, and he lingered there, just being. He didn’t try to kiss me or come in when it was time to leave. He simply showed me how much he cared for me.
Slowly, he began to move away, the feeling of separation from him pulling at my chest. I could have sat there all day with his lips on my skin, but he had promised to go slow, and I knew that was exactly what he was doing. He wanted me to feel safe and secure in his arms, and even though I wasn’t going to tell him, I already felt safe and secure anytime he was around. He pulled his head back and smiled, bi
ting his bottom lip and staring at me before getting out of the car and coming to my side. Like a gentleman, he opened my door and stuck out his hand, helping me to my feet. Slowly, we walked arm in arm up the staircase to the front door. We stood there for several moments, just looking into each other’s eyes. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I knew I needed to wait. He shook his head and laughed, putting his hands on my cheeks and leaning forward, kissing me on the forehead.
“Goodbye,” he said. “Have sweet dreams tonight. I’ll call you very soon and have a date all planned out for us. It will be perfectly normal, like I want us and our lives to become. I can feel it this time, Elana. I can feel the veil of grief lifting from both of us. I can feel our lives beginning to intertwine, and I couldn’t be more excited if I tried.”