I was angry and confused by his sudden shift in tone, and I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes as I nodded and then watched him walk across the room toward the sofa. I stifled the urge to offer him a blanket. If he was going to be an ass to me, then he could figure out how to stay warm all by his own big self.
PROTECTOR #4
I tossed and turned all night. Around 3:00 am, I finally fell into a fitful sleep that was interrupted by Brian’s restlessness. When I woke up the next morning I felt worse than I had the morning before. I sat up slowly and looked over to see Brian fast asleep on the couch across the room, and I immediately felt the previous night’s irritation return. He’d shut me out without saying anything or even trying to have a conversation, and now he was sleeping like a baby. I shook my head in disgust and went to the bathroom to get ready for my meeting.
In the shower, I let the hot water cascade over my body as I tried to clear my mind of the way that Brian had reacted to learning about my involvement in the anti-war group. I couldn’t see how he could be angry with a group whose sole aim was to keep peace and prevent war, and it pissed me off that he’d just shut down and stopped talking. It made no sense to me whatsoever. I rinsed my hair and turned my face up toward the warm flow one more time before twisting the knobs to shut it off.
I stepped out, grabbed the fluffy towel off of the counter, and began drying myself off as I thought about how to start the conversation with Brian. We were going to have to talk about this in some way or another, or else we weren’t going to be able to find a way to continue the physical part of our relationship, and I had already grown to like it - a lot. I towel-dried my wet hair as I looked in the mirror, and noticed that there were dark circles under my eyes. The stress and lack of sleep were getting to me, and Friday night’s partying hadn’t helped matters.
Ah well, that’s what concealer is for, I thought to myself as I reached into my cosmetic bag and pulled out the tube. As I began to dab it on the dark spots, I was transported back to another morning when I had had to do the same thing, but for very different reasons. The night before, Dominic had returned home angry with me about some imagined infraction of his rules and had spent the evening moping silently in his man cave before emerging to teach me a brutal lesson about obedience. I cringed as I recalled how the concealer hadn’t been able to do its job the next day, but then, it hadn’t been designed to hide the handiwork of a man who was determined to leave his mark on my face.
As I dusted my cheeks with a peachy blush and tried to brighten up my pale skin, I thought about how I was certain that Brian wasn’t at all like Dominic. But I also knew that I wasn’t going to roll over and let another man dictate what I could or couldn’t do with my life; even if it meant that Brian was going to be irritated enough to continue sleeping on the couch.
Two coats of mascara and a swipe of a berry-colored lip gloss later, I considered myself in the mirror and decided I looked good enough to lead the meeting. I pulled my long, thick hair back into a low ponytail and smoothed my bangs before wrapping the towel tightly around myself and walking into the room to grab my clothes. When I emerged from the bathroom, Brian quickly looked away as I headed to my closet.
“It’s okay to look, you, know,” I said in a light tone. “You’ve seen it all anyway.”
“Yeah, got it,” he replied as he tried to hide the smile that flitted across his lips. “Just trying to give you some privacy.”
“Well, it’s hard in a space this small, but I appreciate it,” I said as I grabbed my clothes.
“It’s kind of chilly out there this morning,” Brian offered as he thumbed through my Psych textbook. “You might want to dress appropriately.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back as I felt myself getting defensive. “Are you implying that I don’t usually dress appropriately?”
“Step down, spitfire,” he said as he raised a hand in defense. “I’m just saying that you might want to dress for rain, that’s all. I’m not judging you.”
I stood there fuming as I looked at him. How dare he tell me what’s appropriate and what isn’t! I was sick of his constant back and forth, one minute approving and the next disapproving. I was tired of having to walk on eggshells as we tried to navigate the path between security guard and boyfriend. Suddenly, a flood of questions came rushing into my brain.
Does he see me as his girlfriend? Do I think of him as my boyfriend? Are we a couple? I quickly discounted my answers by telling myself that it was insane to think that he could be someone I viewed as a boyfriend after less than a week. It’s Stockholm Syndrome, only without the kidnapping and violence. I chuckled as this thought crossed my mind.
“What are you laughing about?” Brian asked in an irritated voice. “Is there something funny I don’t know about?”
“Just thinking about my Psych homework,” I replied. “No need to get all irritated with me.”
“Irritated? Who’s irritated?” he said in a voice that was even more irritated than before.
“Obviously you are, sailor,” I said nonchalantly.
“I’m not irritated!” he yelled as he shot up off the couch.
“Evidence would prove otherwise,” I said as I held my ground.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Ava?” he shouted. “Why do you push me like this?”
“How exactly am I doing anything, Brian?” I said. My voice was calm, but inside I was trembling like a leaf. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but his anger was palpable.
“You are so…so…so…” he stuttered before blurting out, “Infuriating!”
“Oh, I’m infuriating? Me?” I cried. “That’s a good one! You’re the one who gets all pissy and then shuts down and refuses to talk about anything! I didn’t do anything to you, and you just get mad and stop talking! What’s that all about, huh?”
Brian stood glaring at me with his fists clenched at his sides for what felt like hours before he lowered his eyes and loosened his hands. He stared at the floor in front of my feet for another long while before taking a deep breath.
“Look, I’m sorry,” he began. “I just feel…frustrated.”
“About what?” I asked quietly.
“About the fact that I want to protect you, but I feel like you won’t let me do the things I need to do to ensure that you’re safe, and then you go and…” he trailed off.