“Oh.” I blushed and took a deep breath, feeling my heartbeat begin to slow down.

He looked behind him at the bar and stared for a few moments, realizing exactly what was going on. He turned back to me and put his napkin on the table and shook his head. His eyes softened, and he let out a deep breath.

“Don’t worry,” he said quietly. “I can feel it, too. I can feel her too. This was a bad idea. I should have never brought us here. I just thought… I don’t know what I thought. You’ve been here the entire time, and I only just came back. I guess I thought I could chase her ghost away, leave happy memories and opportunity for other things. This was not how I thought it would be, though. We should get out of here.”

I smiled kindly, but distractedly, and watched as he made eye contact with the server and signaled for the check. She brought it over, setting a to-go box down in front of me and then took his payment, walking back to run his card. I looked at the food and the box, and I was too afraid to take it with me, fearing that Lillie’s ghost would come along for the ride. I had worked so hard to keep her out of my new life. Ollie looked down, obviously feeling bad, and finished signing the check. We stood up quickly and walked toward the door, taking one last glance at the bar before walking out the doors.

The cool air hit me in the face and sobered me up quickly, bringing me right back to the present, where I needed to be. We strolled quietly through the streets watching the college kids laughing and playing as they made their way to the next party or the next bar. It was a little overwhelming being snapped right back into reality.

“So, where do you live now?” he asked.

“I moved across town, over by the zoo,” I responded, sticking my hands in my pockets, feeling the chill of the air on my neck. “It’s close to work, has great access to public transportation so I don’t have to pay to park on campus, and it’s far enough out of the campus radius to get a good night’s sleep without the yelling and laughing that used to keep me up at my old place. I never realized, until after I graduated and pretty much spent most of my time alone, how loud we were walking around at night. I almost feel bad for the people that live out here.”

“We were kids.” He laughed. “They knew what to expect living this close to campus.”

“True.” I smiled.

“So, do you know a good place to have a drink? Maybe somewhere I’ve never been before?”

“Actually, yeah, I do,” I said thoughtfully. “It’s over closer to where I live, outside of the campus circle, so it’s mostly people our age and older. It’s pretty quiet there, meant for conversations more than partying, if that’s okay?”

“That sounds perfect,” he responded.

“Okay, where did you park?”

“Just up here about two blocks over,” he said, smiling.

We walked to his car, and he held the door open for me, shutting it once I was tucked away inside. I gave him the directions to Crescendo Espresso Bar, and we headed in that direction. It was kind of my go-to spot, but I didn’t even realize they served beer until one late night I couldn’t sleep and decided to grab a hot cup of coffee. When I walked in, I realized it was a bar too, and instantly, it became my nightcap spot. It was low key, and I didn’t have to worry about running into Lillie’s ghost there. That was my life: trying to find places that I could avoid a damn ghost.

Chapter 7

Ollie

I liked Crescendo. It was different, hip almost, with plain furnishings but loud wall coverings. The people there were our age, hipsters mostly, but people just looking for a chill place to escape. The patio outside was full, it being probably one of the last few beautiful nights in Madison until winter was over. Inside, there was light, live music playing at the front, the speakers piping it inside and out. It hadn’t been around during my college days, and though it looked like a place I could imagine Lillie liking, her ghost was nowhere to be seen, and I felt a weight start to lift from my shoulders. The past had been oppressive, taunting me, pushing me back on a daily basis. My exorcism, at least day one of it, had gone down in a pile of flames, burning brightly at the door of Dotty’s. I wondered if it was even possible to do what I was trying to do, or if it would be a constant battle between me and the “we” that Lillie and I used to be in this town.

Then I looked over at Elana, the girl that was left behind, and noticed the haunted and painful look in her eyes. She was hurting just as much as I was, only I could tell it was something that she had finally found a way not to feel day in and day out for the last five years. I realized at that moment that she hadn’t just lost Lillie. She had lost me and everything she had dreamed of too, a story that was written all over her face as she ordered a beer and sat down across from me at the table. I had left Madison as fast as my legs could carry me. In fact, I hadn’t even shown up for graduation. I stood across the street, carrying my cap and gown, unable to walk in

to the arena. Instead, I dropped the clothes in the trashcan and jumped in my already packed car and jetted out, trying to outrun the pain and memories. I separated myself from the life that I had led before, but Elana, she had remained, trying to rebuild her life one day at a time.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of challenge that she faced, walking alone into a new world, putting her pieces back together one at a time. I could imagine her sitting at her and Lillie’s apartment, packing up her things, trying not to take all of Lillie’s stuff with her. From the look on her face, I could tell that struggle was still an everyday occurrence for her, not something that she had gotten past and moved on with. She seemed to still be fighting through every breath that she had to take, thrashing her arms to get air in moments like these, where I dragged her back down, thinking I could kill the ghost for both of us. She had real strength, a strength that I had never been able to find in myself. Every day in Phoenix, I would wake up and go for a run, letting whatever Lillie’s ghost wanted to say get out of my head so that I could focus on the tasks at hand. I had thrown myself into my work so hard that I hadn’t come up for air until I drove into Madison. I admired Elana’s strength. It was something that I had been trying to find since I left.

There we were, escaping the crushing compounds of the past and sitting in Elana’s present, trying to come up with things to say to each other that didn’t bring those memories crashing down on our heads. I didn’t even know how to make conversation outside of work, not without bringing up the past or at least thinking about it on a level that started to drive me crazy. I had replayed everything over and over in my mind for the last five years. There was no reason to talk about it out loud.

“It’s supposed to be a beautiful weekend,” I said, making small talk. “Do you have any crazy plans?”

“No.” She sighed. “Crazy and plans don’t really fit into my vocabulary anymore. I always go see my mom on Sundays, and the rest of the time, I’ll take refuge inside my place, trying to hide as the crowds descend for a Badger home game this weekend. I can already smell the stench of hot dogs, beer, and drunk fans, whooping and hollering down the street past my place. It’s the only time of the year that I can’t hear my own thoughts.”

“Oh, man, Badger games,” I said, laughing. “I had completely forgotten about that when I moved here. I forgot how crazy this place gets during football season. It’s like a madhouse throughout the entire city.”

I could remember being part of the madhouse for a long time, getting pumped up in my Badger gear, painting my face and parading through the city, completely wasted but letting everyone know exactly who I was rooting for. It actually brought a slight smile to my face thinking about how much fun I had during football season. I had been kind of a fanatic.

“Are you going to go to any of the games now that you’re back?” she asked.

That was an interesting idea. I hadn’t really given it any thought at all. I was so caught up in the grief in my chest that thinking about doing anything somewhat normal seemed out of the question. But maybe it was something I should look into, something that I could do to start jumpstarting my life in Madison. I definitely was going to need something to look forward to, especially since my morning jogs were going to be less than helpful for a while.

I had been a huge fan of the Badgers, never missing a game, even when it was colder than hell outside and survival meant three layers, a winter jacket, two hats, and snow gloves. I dragged Lillie and Elana to their fair share of games as well, laughing at how much they both despised the huge crowds and screaming drunk men everywhere. Lillie used to call it a barbaric show of manhood, which always made me laugh. She was so strong-willed and opinionated; it was something I really loved about her.

“Honestly, I haven’t really given it any consideration at all until now,” I said, looking down at my beer. “Everything has been so crazy, and I left last minute to come out here that I’m kind of just winging it as I go. Though I don’t know if I can say no to going to a Badger game. I mean, it’s pretty much in my blood.”

Tags: Claire Adams Romance
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