“No, that’s not stupid.” I smiled kindly. “I used to do laps around this neighborhood looking for the same thing.”
We stood there in the street for several moments, just looking at each other. Ollie had a look on his face that was all too familiar, the look of being completely and utterly lost. I realized then that he was where I was four years ago, a place I visited from time to time, and more frequently since he had returned. I had almost forgotten that he had run away, leaving all of this in the past, and I knew he had to work through it to have any chance at a happy life.
My eyes scanned his face, and I recognized a very familiar beast lurking in his eyes. It was grief, the shadowy figure that followed us both wherever we went, relentless in its path to cause as much suffering as possible in this life. Ollie was still grieving, just like me, but for him, it was like reliving everything all over again. For him, I realized, leaving Madison was just a pause, not a fix. He had paused the grief and sorrow, thinking that he could outrun it, but coming back to this place made him realize that he had been tricked, and he had never actually gotten away. Instead, he had spent all that time just waiting for it to rear its ugly head again.
I took in a deep breath and realized I couldn’t just leave him like that. I couldn’t let him run off, circling the block over and over again, searching for something that he would never find. Maybe it was a good thing I was there, having already moved past that place. I could lend a helping hand and show him that he wasn’t alone. I reached out and slid my arm through his, patting it with my hand.
“Come on,” I said quietly. “Come inside.”
He sighed and forced a smile, knowing that the best thing he could do at that moment was go with me wherever I wanted to take him. When I walked through the front door, though, my mother stopped what she was doing, surprised to see a man with me. I instantly regretted my decision as hope started springing to life in her eyes. She hadn’t recognized him yet, which was going to make things a little bit more awkward than they already were.
“Mom, this is Ollie,” I said. “We were really good friends in college. You met him once before.”
“Yes,” she said happily. “I remember you, Ollie. Welcome to my home. You can call me Tammy.”
“Nice to meet you,” he said, smiling uncomfortably.
“Ollie has been gone for about five years, but he just got back into town,” I said, trying to keep the details distant, seeing in my mom’s eyes that she knew who Ollie was without me having to say it. “If it’s okay, he’s going to stay for dinner and some good company.”
“That is perfect,” my mom said, walking over and giving him a hug. “Well, come on in, and make yourself comfortable.”
I watched as my mother flitted around the room, grabbing Ollie a beer, and then putting him to work helping us out with the task at hand. It wasn’t quite what I was looking to have him do, but after watching him loosen up a bit as he grabbed the mason jars, I realized that keeping him busy was probably the best thing I could offer him. He
needed to remember that life was continuing on, with or without him, and that it was a lot easier not to fight the tides.
We spent the afternoon in the kitchen, peeling and stewing tomatoes, and sealing them in the jars. My mom really liked showing him how to do things, and I was just glad that his mind was on something other than Lillie, even if it was only for a short time. None of us really talked that much, which I appreciated from my mother. Instead, we went to work getting the task at hand out of the way so that we could relax and maybe even watch a little football together. I couldn’t help but notice how nice it felt to have him there, almost like it was natural.
Chapter 9
Ollie
The day had gotten away from me before I even knew it. I wasn’t sure how it had happened, but I had found myself sitting in Elana’s mother’s living room, a TV tray full of spaghetti and meatballs in front of me, the Packers game on the television, and questions floating through my head on how my day ended up unfolding like that. Surprisingly, I didn’t mind it much at all, and I was content with where I was. I was feeling better in that moment than I had felt since I returned to town. There was something comforting about being in Elana’s childhood home, surrounded by people that cared about me and getting to be comfortable and relaxed. Relaxed was a word that I barely even recognized before, even when I was in Phoenix. I had told myself that relaxing was something that people with no history, no sadness in their past did. Me? I was always thinking and remembering, leaving me incapacitated and unable to slow my mind enough to relax.
I had never actually been to Elana’s house before, but it fit her perfectly, and so did her mom. It was still decorated more like the eighties than present day, and her mom was exactly what I imagined, with dark hair and the same blue eyes, but a bit of a mess, like the teacher from the Magic School Bus. I could totally see Elana turning into her mom later on in life, only a bit calmer and interested in books and not stewed tomatoes. I had forgotten completely that she lived in the same neighborhood as Lillie, which I was starting to think was a happy accident for me.
Ever since the moment I dropped Elana off at her house after our disastrous time out, I had been chasing Lillie’s ghost. I couldn’t get her off my mind, so I had let it take me over, letting myself wallow in the grief over my beloved. It had gotten so bad that I found myself walking through all the places that we had spent time together. I was up all night Saturday, retracing the steps of when I had proposed. It was agonizing and self-destructive.
When that had become too little to keep the fire of grief going, my mind took me to her life before me, her childhood. I wanted to see what she saw growing up, feel the feeling of being where she had been. So, I ended up searching out the neighborhood and street she grew up on. It just so happened that I had been there a couple of times to visit her parents when we first met, and my mind had remembered exactly where it was, guiding me there like I was in a trance or was being controlled from another realm.
Her parents had sold the house our sophomore year in college, but it didn’t matter to me. I still walked all the way over and stood in front of it, almost able to hear her laughter coming from inside. I could remember being incredibly nervous to meet her family, but she took my hand and pulled me playfully up the walk, trying to make me realize they were people, too. I had gotten irritated with her for never taking anything seriously.
As I stood outside of the house, I could feel the guilt run through me for being upset with her. It was so stupid. Every couple fights, but most have a chance to spend the rest of their lives making up for it. It had actually been one of the very few times we ever bickered over anything. She was so lighthearted that it was impossible to stay mad at her, and she avoided conflict like the plague.
The house was quiet when I got there, no cars in the drive, but it didn’t matter to me. I had just wanted to feel close to her again, to know I was standing in a place that she once stood. But now, without even thinking, I had become immersed in Elana’s world, a place of laughter, loud voices, sarcasm, and a warm and comforting feeling I hadn’t even known with my own family. It wasn’t as scary or heart wrenching as I thought it would be, and I was finding myself hoping the day would drag on. Maybe it was because we were somewhere where Lillie wasn’t, or maybe I was so engrossed in my grief that she pulled me up for air, but either way, this had turned into an unexpected afternoon, something I realized I needed.
To top it off, when I got there, they were canning, which I had never done before. I had no idea what I was doing, but it felt good to be helpful to someone else. I lifted the heavy things and had the pleasure of letting Elana’s mom teach me how to do it. Of course, I really didn’t need to know how to jar tomatoes, but I could tell it made Tammy feel good to have someone to teach, so I listened intently, smiling at her quirks and looking over at Elana, who seemed miserable with the process. I guessed when you’ve done it a hundred times, it wasn’t quite as exciting as I found it.
All in all, this Sunday had turned out a hell of a lot better than I thought it was going to. I was pretty sure it was going to end with tears, suffering, and Jack Daniels. Beer, spaghetti, and football was such a better alternative, not to mention having Tammy and Elana as company: two people that were very unexpected in my life at that time. Maybe things didn’t have to be so hard between the two of us. Maybe there was an opportunity to start over with Elana in my life. Just as I thought that, Elana walked around the corner, shaking her head at me and sighing. She looked over her shoulder to make sure her mom was out of earshot and then sat down next to me. I steadied my tray as the couch shook beneath me and looked at her with a smile. Only this time, my smile was actually genuine, not faked like it was at the start of the day. She smiled back and let out a deep breath, obviously wanting to say something. She looked at the doorway again and leaned in closer to me.
“I’m so sorry for throwing you into the canning festival my mother was having,” she said. “I just thought it would be best if you came inside, and she gets excited to have company. She doesn’t have anyone to show all her proud secrets to, so you were pretty much in for it the moment you jogged past my house. Actually, I’m convinced now that you actually brought this upon yourself.”
“Oh yeah?” I laughed loudly at her sarcasm. “But don’t apologize. It’s actually been really cool. Thank you for having me here on your Sunday with your mom.”
She beamed at the thank you, and I couldn’t help but smile back, almost like it was catching. She was so funny and sweet, and I felt like this day had helped her too, in a way. She was struggling as well, but I had been so absorbed when she found me walking the neighborhood that I didn’t even think about it.
“Really, I appreciate everything,” I said. “I didn’t know it at the time, but sitting here and reflecting, I realized this might have been exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time. You must be a wizard.”
“The wizard actually,” she said, straightening her shoulders before bursting into laughter.