I had fallen in love with her somewhere along the way, but to let her have access to my heart without the covering of money in front of it? No fucking way.
No one was going to hurt me again. Not ever.
"You want me to stick around, buddy?" Ron rubbed the top of my back as we stood at the graveside service. I'd been shaking hands and giving hugs for the last half hour and had very little left inside of me.
"No. I need a few minutes with my mom."
"I'll wait in the car then." He squeezed my shoulder and turned, leaving me standing alone at the foot of my mom and dad's grave.
I walked over and knelt down, picking up the roses that were scattered all around and sticking some into the vase at the base of her tombstone before putting some in dad’s.
I'd broken down multiple times during the funeral, but I guessed it was expected. Where most people had family or other loved ones around them, I had Ron. I should have let Maddie come for that if nothing else.
To feel her arms around me, holding me up would have been enough to get me through it, but no. I was an asshole and chose to cast away whatever the fuck was happening between us. I'd be lucky if she ever spoke to me again.
I dropped to my knees and glanced up at the sky as the breeze blew around me. "Oh, Mom. I miss you so damn much already." I let out a long sigh and let my head d
rop back down. "I fucked up things with Maddie. We were lying to the whole damn time, or we started out that way. I have no clue if she ever really had feelings for me, but by the end, I had them for her."
Breathing in deeply, I continued, "I told her to get lost this morning, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. You should have seen her. I'm ashamed of the man I am capable of being. All in the name of protecting myself." I pressed my hands to my knees and glanced up at the tombstone. "You sure did like her, didn't you? I know she liked you, too. She wasn't faking there. Not one bit."
"I wasn't faking any of it." Her voice startled me, and I stood, turning around as anger bled across my face. I was ready to blast her again, but she stepped up and grabbed me roughly. "You asshole." She pulled me down, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me hard.
I wanted to fight her, but I needed her too damn bad. Instead of pushing her away, I melted against her, welcoming her warmth, her touch, her bossy ass back into my world.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Maddie
He leaned against me, and I cradled him, kissing his lips several times before pressing my cheek against his.
"Were you here for all of it?" He sounded so far beyond tired.
"Yes." I brushed my hand down the side of his face and closed my eyes, letting memory after memory from our childhood wash over me. I knew him. Intimately.
Why in the world would I ever let scarcity and fear get in the way of starting a real relationship with a good man like him?
"I want to go home." He moved back and glanced back down toward the gravestones. "Mom would be happy to know you came."
"Of course I did. I just stayed in the back because I didn't want to disrespect your wishes." I reached out and slid my hand into his. "And look at me."
He glanced my way, his eyes filled with a torrent of emotion. "What?"
"I'm not going anywhere. I realized I was stupid. I'm sorry." I reached up and brushed a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. "I thought I needed the money to make me happy, but more so, to make sure my mom and dad were okay." My eyes filled with tears. "I wanted to do big things because I'm the only one they have to lean on." I swallowed the hot ball of regret lodged in my throat. "I was wrong. I can find another way to take care of them."
"It wasn't about the money, Maddie." He pulled his hand from mine, and my heart dropped.
He wasn't going to let me back in. No matter how he felt about me, about us. No matter what his mother would have wanted for him. It wasn't about just finding love, but about being with someone that would have his back, would rub his shoulders and love on him when the world turned dark.
It's what we all wanted in life. There was no way that Gavin didn't want it too. Some part of me prayed that he would find it with me, but if he didn't, I just wanted him to be happy with someone.
"It was about the message behind it, and not that my reasons change anything, but you have to know that I'd trade every cent you paid me to have you instead."
His eyes widened a little, and his shoulders pulled back. "Seriously?"
"Absolutely. One hundred percent." I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not to shiver. It was getting colder by the minute. "Take the money out of my account, or what's left of it. I might have bought groceries and gas once." I tilted my head to the side, half-expecting him to smile, but I got nothing out of him.
"And this is because you feel guilty?" He nodded toward his mother's grave.