“Well, it’s a start,” I said. “I was never a big fan of vegetables myself.”
“Uh-oh, I’m going to have to start tricking you, too,” she said, laughing and looking over, as a woman approached the jungle gym with a little girl about Jake’s age and a small baby strapped to her chest in a cloth carrier.
Quinn’s eyes immediately zeroed in on the baby and slowly her smile faded. Her eyes were glued to the little girl’s sweet chubby cheeks and cooing noises, but I could see pain emanating from them. She was stuck, barely moving as the woman turned and smiled at us. Quinn shook her head and smiled back, clearing her throat and looking in the other direction. There was an intense amount of pain on her face, and I thought I saw a tear pulling at her eye. I started to reach out for her, wanting to offer comfort, but I didn’t know if I was the person to make whatever was going on any better.
As we began to walk toward Jake, I thought back to when I did the background search on her and saw that she had left the energy business and gotten a divorce. I knew there was some kind of story there, but I hadn’t felt it was right to ask questions about it—until I saw her reaction to the baby. I still wasn’t sure, but judging from her reaction to that baby, I didn’t really think there would ever be a right time.
“Quinn,” I said, reaching out and stopping her. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” she said, forcing a smile.
“I heard you talk about leaving the energy company, and I know that you’ve been married before,” I said, hesitating. “I guess I was just wondering what happened? Does it have anything to do with the reaction you just had to that baby?”
“Things happen in life, Luke,” she said, with a deep breath. “I don’t really think the playground is a place to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “I just—”
“I’m going to go help Jake on the swings,” she said, turning and walking away.
I sighed and looked up at the sky, wishing I could get her to open up. Quinn was an incredibly private person, and she was a really hard nut to crack. I didn’t want to push her while we were there at the park, though. I could tell that whatever it was, she’d been hurt very badly. So badly that she wasn’t willing to even consider talking about it, and was almost brought to tears in the middle of the park after having an amazing day with Jake and me. In all reality, everything about the situation screamed for me to leave well enough alone. I wasn’t her husband, or even her boyfriend for that matter, and I really had no right to push for an answer. However, as I watched her laughing and playing with Jake across the lot, it started to really bother me that there was something that hurt her so badly. I didn’t like to see her upset at all and hadn’t realized it until I saw the tears in her eyes. She was too wonderful to be stricken with any kind of grief that would cause a reaction like that. I knew I should leave it alone, but I just didn’t want to.
Things between her and I were a bit confusing, and I was trying to make the situation as smooth as possible—without complications. However, that didn’t mean I hadn’t developed some feelings or fondness beyond those of a normal friendship for Quinn. I cared about her, I couldn’t hide that, and I wanted her to be comfortable and happy no matter what. I walked over to the swing set and tickled Jake as he went to push off on the swing. Quinn looked back to normal now, with that vibrant light glistening in her eyes. She looked down at her watch and then back at Jake, sticking her hands in her pockets.
“We should probably head back soon, Jake,” she said. “It’s way past time for lunch and I want to get you out of those old clothes and into some of your new ones.”
“Aww, just five more minutes?”
“Okay,” she said laughing, and stepping back as he giggled and pushed off on the swing set. “Five minutes.”
She looked over at me and shrugged. “How could I say no to that face?”
“When you figure that out, you let me know,” I chuckled, watching her face as she turned back to Jake, smiling as he went higher and higher.
She was beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and loved Jake with
everything she could muster. Still, I knew there was something in there she was burying deep inside. I knew it was wrong, that interfering in her private life wasn’t what we agreed to, but I needed to know what had happened to her. I thought that maybe, if she let me in, I could help her with whatever pained her so badly. To me, it was worth a try; Quinn was worth the try.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Quinn
I woke up early as always, still feeling a buzz of happiness from the two days before. The weekend had been absolutely amazing. We had spent our time showing Jake how much he was loved and making sure that he felt completely comfortable at his new house. Jake hadn’t even batted an eye or shown one bit of discomfort toward being in a new place. He had fallen asleep each night without any trouble, woken up with a smile on his face, and freely roamed the house without a worry in the world. Everything we had planned worked out perfectly, and it turned into one hell of a weekend, one that I was still reeling over, and luckily it wasn’t quite over yet.
When I was alone, I never thought I would feel this good again. I never thought that I would feel anything close to content, but there I was, standing in the kitchen with a smile on my face. Even when Brian and I were married, I hadn’t had days like this. We didn’t do things like a normal family, and he liked his own space more than most. Still, I was happy to be comfortable. This feeling now was way more than comfortable: it was happy and excited, and I hadn’t ever felt anything like it before. After Brian left, and I was sitting home alone, depressed and crushed, I thought to myself that this kind of life didn’t actually exist, that I had made my expectations way too high. The thought itself had depressed me even more until I was in that terrible downward spiral. Luke and Jake, they made me think differently about things, and I hoped that even when everything was over, I could at least remember that feeling.
I knew that I should have restraint and keep reminding myself that everything about this was fake, and none of it was meant to last, but it was very difficult. I had spent so much time being sad and unhappy that the idea of a family was hard to push away, even when the repercussions of it seemed so very real and terrifying. I could feel myself slipping into the illusion of a happy family, the vision of smiles and laughter, family and caring, that every person wanted in their lives. The pure essence of humanity was the need for others, the connection between the stardust and the absence of the separation. But at what cost? What would I allow myself to pay, in order to disappear into this illusion for a time, forgetting the inevitable end result—and the lonely emptiness it would bring? I feared it was too late to be asking myself these questions, and that I had already allowed the illusion to take over.
This couldn’t be any more self-evident than the course my emotions took me over in the next few minutes. It was then that I knew I had fallen into this world, this blissful mockery of a real family, and that I wasn’t willing to come out. Maybe it was my depression, locking me into the first real glimpse of happiness I had seen in a very long time, or maybe it was my body responding to the blinding fear I lived with each day. Whatever it was, I realized that I was feeling things stronger and more openly than I ever had before.
“Well, I’ve got to take Jake back now,” Luke said, rubbing his hand over my shoulder. “He’s going to be bummed.”
I knew exactly what Jake was going to feel, because I was feeling it, too. It was a desolation, a tingle in the stomach that forced you to begin to see reality through the guise of fantasy. Jake wanted this life just as much as I did, and to know it had to end, even just for a little while, was almost crushing. Still, I stepped out of that dark place and wrapped my arms around Jake, telling him it would be okay, reminding him that I would be there waiting for him to come back. He kissed me on the cheek and left with his dad.
The time that passed between when Jake walked out and when Luke walked back in seemed like only moments, since I had gotten lost in my thoughts, philosophizing about my own internal battles. Luke was quiet, quieter than I had ever seen him before. I could tell that taking his son back to Sarah was painful and nerve-racking, and he could sense the awkward silence that the house had fallen into just as much as I could. I tried to clear the air, to continue forward, so I made dinner and set the table, lingering for a moment as I stared at the seat Jake was sitting in only hours before. I took a deep breath and served dinner, sitting down across from Luke and waiting to see if he would say anything to break the silence. Instead, we internalized, something I had become a pro at doing.
When dinner was done and the dishes rinsed and loaded, I watched as Luke grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped the top off. He waved it at me, extending the offer to join him. I almost never drank, but at that moment, with the emotions in my chest threatening to overwhelm me, I really wanted to take the edge off. I shook my head yes and took the beer from his hand, smiling at him. We walked outside onto the back patio and sat down, watching as the sun set over the treetops. It was quiet, serene almost, and I sat curled up with my knees to my chest replaying every giggle and every crazy moment of the weekend.
As the sun dipped below the horizon and the chill of the approaching fall air floated over the lawn, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. The sounds of the evening creatures echoed in the background, and the smell of freshly cut grass filled my lungs. As I let the breath release, I looked over at Luke, who was sitting comfortably, taking a drink of his beer. He was lost in his thoughts, I could tell, and I liked him like that, someone who may act strong and resilient on the outside, but was really a thinker on the inside. Suddenly, as if he were watching a funny scene from a movie, he began to laugh, quietly at first, but eventually becoming rolling and loud. I smiled and crumpled my eyebrows together, curious of what he was thinking about.