I had converted the shed into a small gym during my last long stay home. I was tired of driving into town to the gym, which took me almost an hour with traffic. My makeshift gym was all I really needed. I had a punching bag, heavy bag, free weights, and a few other pieces of equipment. It was the perfect place for me to escape to after what had just gone down with Ana.
My fists started punching into the heavy bag as I tried to get my aggression out. I was normally a controlled person. I could handle whatever emotions came my way. Even my small breaks and memories from the past were so quick that I never felt truly out of control anymore, but Ana was makin
g me feel that way.
She was a broken doll that could shatter at any moment and I couldn’t stand the pressure of constantly worrying if it was going to be my fault. Or now, worrying that she would think it was my fault. All I had done was try to help her and she looked at me as if I was some sort of monster. That look had totally done me in and I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
Fist after fist, I flung at the heavy bag as I let my body have the pain that my mind was feeling. Harder and harder, I pushed as my body sweat out all the emotions I couldn’t deal with. Working out was my therapy. I didn’t have a person who I went to and sat on their couch, although I didn’t fault anyone who went that route. But for me, I had to be physical to work through my thoughts. I had to be punching or running or lifting so my body was too busy to fight off the emotions.
“Nate,” I heard a soft voice say and a knock at the door.
I froze solid in my spot as I stopped and looked at the door. What was she coming to say to me now? Was she going to continue to yell at me? Did she have something else she wanted to accuse me of? I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her, and I certainly wasn’t going to take anymore of her accusations.
“Go away. I’m working out.”
“Nate, can I come in?” Ana continued as she ignored my warnings to her.
“I think you’ve said enough for the night. Go back to bed. I wouldn’t want you to think I was going to attack you again,” I said sternly.
Ana stood in the doorway with her big, grey eyes looking at me in confusion. She was wearing a t-shirt, and the cold of the night air had hardened her nipples so they were pressing firmly against the light fabric. I looked away, purely because the silhouette of her body lit my own body on fire and I couldn’t control myself. I throbbed instantly at the sight of her, but I turned back toward the heavy bag in an effort to ignore the reaction my body had just had to her.
“I don’t know what happened. But I think I was wrong to scream at you. Please, tell me what happened. I don’t remember.”
Her words were soft, I could hardly hear them over my fists pounding into the bag. But I heard them enough; I heard the sadness in her voice and the unknown fear she held onto. I wasn’t that much of an ass; I couldn’t keep ignoring her. I turned around and sat down on the bench, then motioned for her to join me.
Chapter Five
ANA
“What do you remember?” Nate asked me as he finally stopped punching his heavy bag and we sat down to talk.
He didn’t appear to be as angry at me as I thought he was going to be. His eyes looked caringly at me and I sat down next to him to have a conversation about what was going on. Something had obviously happened and I wasn’t fully understanding what it was, but the way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, I knew that he hadn’t been in my room for some malicious reason.
Nate had only been kind to me and I felt bad that I had yelled at him, but I also felt very confused because I didn’t know what had happened that led up to him being in my room. He probably thought I was totally crazy, and he was right in that aspect. I did feel crazy and like I didn’t have control over what my mind was thinking or doing at any one time. I hated that feeling, but I hated that I had been so disrespectful to Nate even more.
“I don’t remember much. I just remember waking up and screaming at you. But I see my hand is cut and I saw there was food next to my bed, so I guess I missed something. You don’t seem like the kind of guy who is a jerk. I was just scared. I don’t know what is going on.”
“You were checked out. I came out to the kitchen and a shelf had broken on the ground. You must have tried to pick up the glass or something and cut your hand.”
The unknown of the situation gave me more anxiety than I wanted to deal with. While at the treatment center, I had woken up while out walking in the halls a couple of times and the staff had always brought me back to my room. I thought it was the medications I was taking or some sort of sleepwalking. But this time it scared me. I had hurt myself and said horrible things to this man who was just trying to help me out. I was ashamed and horrified about what I might do next.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no reason to be sorry. I know what’s going on. I understand, Ana. Well, at least I understand a little bit. Don’t worry about it. Head back to bed.”
He seemed cold with me as he looked away and avoided my eyes; it didn’t seem natural for him at all I didn’t know what to say or what to do. How do you really tell someone thank you for taking care of you when no one else in the world wanted to help take care of you? Sure, Nate was someone I hardly knew, but deep down, I felt like we knew each other. It was hard to explain and I was in no position to try and figure it out. But something inside of me made me reach out and grab his hand and hold onto it. I didn’t mean it in any sort of sexual way; I purely wanted to connect with him and let him know that I appreciated what he was doing for me.
“Thank you.”
Nate stopped and looked down at our hands as I continued to hold onto his. It felt comfortable to have him near me. I wasn’t afraid of him, so I didn’t understand why I had thought those horrible things when I first realized he was in my room. But he must have been the one who bandaged me up and he kindly made me a sandwich too.
My time at Stephano’s haunted everything I did. Even when I was asleep, Stephano was taking over my thoughts. I hated that he still had such control over me. I was broken and in pieces and Nate didn’t deserve to have to deal with all those tiny pieces at all.
But as I sat there holding Nate’s hand, I felt like the entire world around me was disappearing. His touch was exactly what I needed and I didn’t want to let him go. Physical touch had been a good thing sometimes, and a bad thing at other times, and I still didn’t really know which was which in my mind. Sometimes a nice technician would touch my shoulder and I would jump out of my skin. Other times, like when I left, I hugged staff members and felt energized by the connection. I just didn’t know which feeling was going to come up next.
“Ana, you should go back inside now,” Nate’s voice said with a husky breath.
I watched as his eyes locked onto mine and he inhaled a deep, long breath. His gaze made my pulse flutter and I also pulled in a deep breath as I looked down at his shirtless chest. He didn’t let go of my hand though.