“Where is Miss Allie going?”
We stood there at the end of the driveway, watching as Allie’s car turned the corner, disappeared. She could’ve been going anywhere—to the grocery store, to drop off a letter at the post office, off to go meet up with a friend—but for some reason, I had the feeling that we weren’t going to see her for a while.
“I’m not sure, bud,” I said.
“Can we go see her when she gets back? Didn’t she hear me calling her?”
“I’m sure she would’ve stopped if she had heard you,” I said, though I was pretty sure she had heard him. Not that I could fault her for not stopping, for not wanting to talk to him. Me, really. And that’s what sucked about this whole thing, I was realizing, this whole trying to date when you already had a kid. You always ran the chance that the person you were dating and your kid wouldn’t get along, but then the opposite was true, too: they might get along so well, and if and when things didn’t work out, it would be just as hard on the kid as it was on the adults that the relationship was coming to an end.
No one was home at Allie’s house the next day, Sunday, and I could tell that Declan was distracted, looking over there every once in a while. I was glad when my parents got there; at least that would give him something to take his mind off of it for a while.
I hadn’t planned on bringing up the whole fiasco with my parents, but my mother was usually pret
ty good about being able to tell when something was bothering me, so when Declan and my dad were settled on the deck playing a round of Go Fish, my mother cornered me in the kitchen.
“Something’s wrong,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
I hung the dish towel I’d just been drying my hands with on the oven door handle. “I broke things off with Allie.”
My mother’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Why? I thought things were going really well with her. You two made such a great couple.”
“I’m just not...it’s not the right time for me to be in a relationship.”
“What are you talking about, Cole? You’re 31, not 21.”
“Yes, Mom, I’m well aware of that fact, thank you.”
“I’m not saying it to try to insult you. I’m saying it because most guys your age are at least involved in a serious relationship.”
“Ben’s not. He’s my age.”
“Yes, well, Ben is a different story altogether. You’ve got a successful practice. Declan is great. And you and Allie seemed like a perfect match. Did something happen?”
“I lost Declan,” I said. “When we went down to Boston to see Allie’s mother, we went to the Children’s Museum, and on the way out, I lost him. Because I was kissing Allie.” Even now, I felt a shame inside of me, just admitting it.
My mother blinked. “But you obviously found him.”
“I shouldn’t have lost him like that in the first place. He saw a group of kids with a bunch of balloons, and he just took off after them, crossed a busy intersection with them, and went to the frozen yogurt shop and ordered himself a dish of soft serve. All while I was running around looking for him, completely losing my shit.”
“I didn’t realize that had happened,” she said. “I’m sorry, Cole. That must’ve been very scary for you.”
“It was. Luckily, he was safe. But the whole time, I kept thinking the worst, and that if something had happened to him, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”
“But nothing happened to him,” she said, sounding confused. “He’s safe and sound. Crisis averted.”
“You’re right,” I said. “And that’s extremely fortunate. I don’t want something like that to happen again.”
Declan came running in from out back just then, right as my mother was about to say something. I was glad for the interruption, though.
“Guess what!” Declan said. “I beat Grandpa! And I know he wasn’t just letting me win. He was actually trying really hard! Does anyone else want to try and beat me?”
“I will, bud,” I said, following him back out onto the deck, glad for the excuse to not continue the conversation with my mother.
I expected Allie to be at the Learning Center on Monday when I dropped Declan off, and I could tell that he was eager to see her, too. But there was another woman there, an older woman who had been in there before when a substitute was needed. I tried to act nonchalant when I asked one of the teachers, Amy, about where Allie was. I knew Allie and Amy hung out sometimes, but I didn’t know if Allie had told her anything.
“She’s taking some time off,” Amy said, and from the cool note in her voice, I was willing to bet that Allie had at least mentioned something to her about what had happened. I found myself wanting to offer my side of the story, to explain it to her, but I knew better. I knew how it would make me sound.
I met up with Ben at Perkins State Park, ready for a couple good hours of hard riding. Even that, though, an activity I had always enjoyed, even today that enjoyment seemed elusive. I gave both my body and my bike a good beating, but my brain kept spinning back to Allie, kept feeling like I had done something wrong.