“Maybe you should quit with me and rest; you look like shit,” I said and then we both laughed.
“This is supposed to clean my system out. I think,” he said, unsure of himself. “And who tells a patient they look like shit? You’re the worst person.” He laughed as we continued up the hill.
“Who told you that it would clean your system?”
“The nurse.”
“She probably just wanted to get rid of you.” I laughed.
“Probably.”
I shook my head in response. Hiking certainly would help him sweat through his withdrawals, but it wasn’t going to clean anything out. Erik was going to have to suffer through the rest of the day with cramped muscles and probably vomiting from overexerting himself.
“You should have eaten breakfast,” I joked.
“Shit, I’m dying here. You either need to carry me back down this mountain or let’s finish this thing so I can have some damn bacon.”
“I thought you were a vegan?”
“I was a fair-weather vegan. Right now, I want some damn meat. So, let’s get going and show those old folks how this is done.”
The determination in his voice hit home for me. That was exactly how I had felt when I was going through treatment. I had to just keep pushing forward or I would have totally given up. Every day at the treatment center, I felt like I wanted to quit. I actually even said it to my nurses on several occasions. I felt a little guilty that I had told Erik I wanted to quit, that wasn’t at all a good example for a patient at our hospital.
I refocused and started moving faster to pick up our pace. I didn’t think we were going to catch up to the group, but maybe they would have stopped to rest and we could catch up to them that way.
“Let’s do it then,” I said as I grabbed for his hand and pulled him behind me. “Melanie just let you come back here?”
“I think she thought you had died or something.” He laughed.
“Yeah, I guess working out isn’t really my thing.”
“What is your thing?” he ventured to ask.
It was a simple enough question, but I didn’t have an answer for him. I really didn’t know what my thing was. I had spent the last few years worrying about my sobriety and nothing else. I was looking at going back to college to be a nurse, but I wasn’t even that sure about that. For so long my life had been a minute by minute game that I hadn’t bothered to plan for my future very well.
“I don’t know.”
“Me either.”
“Well, at least you have a family who loves you and money to take care of you. That’s something, right?” I said.
“I don’t have a family who loves me. I don’t have anyone.”
His response hit me hard, but I continued to walk up the mountain. How could someone with money like his not have a family who loved him? I supposed his family could just support him and not really offer emotional support. I felt bad for implying what I had, and we continued up the mountain in silence.
Both of us huffed and puffed our way up to where the rest of the group was resting near the top of the mountain. It felt like a pretty big accomplishment that I hadn’t quit and instead had continued hiking. The old me would have certainly quit; I liked the new me much better. Climbing and hiking were never going to be something I loved to do, but I really did like it on that day.
“Nice of you two to join us,” Melanie said. “Here’s some water. Rest and catch your breath. We are going to the top.”
Erik and I both looked at each other as our eyes enlarged and we looked at the 100-foot hike that would lead us right to the peak. It wasn’t all that far of a hike, but the incline was very steep and it would require climbing up and over rocks. I didn’t feel comfortable at all that I could manage the climb without causing myself or someone else some major injuries.
“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you guys here,” Erik said as if he had totally taken the words right out of my mouth.
“No,” Melanie said.
“Um, I’ll wait with him. That’s pretty steep and I’m exhausted.”
“No,” she said again.