I had wanted to discuss one thing in particular with her last night, but then I would have broken the unspoken agreement set up between the two of us. And that was not to discuss anything too personal and to keep things casual and general. But l
ately, ever since the trial, I had been thinking about my brother.
Spending a few nights in a jail cell had opened my mind to his reality, and I felt guilty about the fact that I hadn’t seen him in two and a half years. After all, I was the only family he had left, and I had basically turned my back on him when he needed me the most.
The thought struck me like a ton of bricks. Isn’t that what I had accused Megan of? Isn’t that why I was so hurt with her? And yet, I had done as much to my own brother four years ago. I had been mulling over that for the last two days, and I still hadn’t been able to find a way to handle my guilt.
“So,” Mel said, interrupting my thoughts. “Things are headed in the right direction, then?”
I looked up at him. “I don’t know yet.”
“You still love her?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Then shouldn’t that be your answer?”
When he said it like that, it sounded simple—everything sounded simple when an outsider put it in perspective for you. But I had a few demons of my own to exorcise first, and I needed to get that out of the way because I could focus on my relationship with Megan.
“I just need more time,” I told him.
Then I excused myself and headed to the front of the station to Sarge’s office. He was sitting behind his desk, going through something on his computer. I knocked once and waited for him to wave me inside.
“What is it Phil?” he asked.
“Good morning, sir,” I said. “I just came in to ask if I could apply for two days of leave. I’ll take on a forty-eight-hour shift afterward to make up for it.”
Sarge looked back to his computer. “When do you want to take these two days?”
“Uh…this coming Saturday or Sunday?”
“Hold on,” Sarge said, as he checked the rosters, then he looked up at me. “Is this an emergency of some sort?”
I hesitated for a moment. “To be honest… I want to go visit my brother.”
“Your brother?” Sarge said, with raised eyebrows. “The one in prison?”
“He’s the only brother I’ve got,” I said. “And, I haven’t seen him in over two years. I need to correct that now.”
“Being in jail made an impression?”
“More than you know.” I nodded. “I’ll have to travel to New York and…”
“Okay,” Sarge interrupted me.
“Okay?”
“I’ve changed the roster, you can have Sunday and Monday off, and you’ll be reporting back to work on Tuesday for your forty-eight-hour shift.”
I nodded. “Thanks, Sarge. I really appreciate this.”
He nodded and waved me out of his office. I walked back to the day room where Kendrick and Ryan had joined Mel at the table. I sat down beside Ryan and reached for a sandwich, feeling my nerves attack me suddenly.
“Fuck, dude… what happened?” Kendrick asked, looking at me with a frown.
“What?” I asked.
“You look a little pale.”