“It was fast, is all I’m saying.”
“At the end of the day, we’re a business, so yeah, we’re going to hire a replacement when there’s a vacancy.”
“I bet she’s hot. Probably not as hot as I am, though.”
“You are hot,” I said. “But you’re also insecure and clingy. And don’t know how to let a good thing last.”
“It’s probably against some sort of law to be sleeping with your employees, you know. You fuck this new one yet?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“But you’re going to.” I could hear the jealousy in her voice.
“You turning green over there?”
“Actually, I am, but not green with envy. Green with nausea.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Go have some ginger ale and lie down.”
“You don’t want to know why I’m nauseous?”
“I’m not interested in playing games with you.”
But I knew what she was going to say, and I started feeling a little nauseous myself. Why did I pick up the phone? Why was I still on it right now?
“I’m pregnant,” she said.
“Bullshit.”
“Would you like me to text you a picture of the test I just took?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Well, I’m sitting right here, looking at it, and there are definitely two pink lines. And my period’s late. And you shouldn’t act so surprised. How many of those times did you wear a condom?”
My hand tightened around the phone, my shoulders rising up toward my ears. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I said. “I wore a condom once or twice. I stopped wearing a condom because you told me you were on the fucking pill!” (Also because I hated wearing condoms to begin with, but she didn’t need to know that).
“I am on the pill. But it’s not one hundred percent.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my free hand across them. What a load of shit. “So what are you going to do?” I said. “What are you thinking?”
There was a pause. I knew Annie had already decided what she was going to do, but she wanted to make me wait for it. Wanted to give me the glimmer of hope that I might not be genetically connected to her for the next eighteen years.
“I’m keeping it,” she said. “Are you suggesting that I should get an abortion?”
“I might be.”
“No fucking way.”
“How are you going to have a baby, Annie? You’re like the least maternal person I know.” That was true, but she probably didn’t care about that. I was going to have to appeal to her superficial side. “Do you know what pregnancy is going to do to your body? It’s going to destroy your body. Trust me. I’ve slept with some women who have had kids, and their bodies are wrecked. Stretch marks, cellulite, pancake tits, huge areolas. You push a baby out and your pussy will be so loose the next guy’s dick will be bouncing off the walls in there.”
“That’s nice, Ian,” she said. “I’m glad to see you have such respect for the miracle of birth.”
“You really think you’re in the position to have a baby right now? You’re twenty-six. That’s pretty young.”
“It’s not that young. There are teenagers who have babies.”
“Yeah, sure, and they live at home with their parents, or they’re on welfare and live in subsidized housing. Is that what you’re telling me? You’re going to move back in with your parents? You’re going to go sign up for food stamps?”