“Campus Peace Activists?” he repeated as he opened one eye and looked at me.
“Yes, we protest unjust wars, lobby our representatives, and basically oppose all acts of unprovoked violence against citizens of the world.” I proudly recited the mission statement that we’d spent weeks hammering out. We had come together with a common purpose, but it had taken a long time for us to develop a common vision for the organization, and the mission statement was representative of our willingness to work together toward a common goal.
“You have got to be kidding me,” Brian blurted as he pushed himself into a sitting position and gave me a hard stare.
“I’m not,” I said. “Why? Do you have a problem with it?”
“A problem with it?” he repeated, before a bitter laugh escaped his lips.
“Do I have a problem with it? Oh good one, lady!”
“Brian, what’s wrong?”
“Not a thing,” he replied in a sullen tone as he climbed out of bed and turned to look at me. “There is absolutely nothing wrong.”
“Brian!” I protested. “Why are you being so difficult?”
“I don’t believe I’m the one who is so damn difficult, Ava,” he was obviously angry with me, but I had no idea why.
“Brian, please tell me what’s going on,” I begged. “Why are you so upset?”
He grabbed his clothing off of the floor and began pulling on his pants as he watched me in his peripheral vision. He said nothing, but I could tell that he was holding something back just by the jerky way he pulled on his shirt and then stood staring at me through narrowed eyes. After a long silence, he took a deep breath and said, “Look, I’m going to sleep over on the couch, so unless you need me to do something to physically protect you from harm, I’d prefer that you leave me the hell alone. Got it?”
I was angry and confused by his sudden shift in tone, and I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes as I nodded and then watched him walk across the room toward the sofa. I stifled the urge to offer him a blanket. If he was going to be an ass to me, then he could figure out how to stay warm all by his own big self.
PROTECTOR #4
I tossed and turned all night. Around 3:00 am, I finally fell into a fitful sleep that was interrupted by Brian’s restlessness. When I woke up the next morning I felt worse than I had the morning before. I sat up slowly and looked over to see Brian fast asleep on the couch across the room, and I immediately felt the previous night’s irritation return. He’d shut me out without saying anything or even trying to have a conversation, and now he was sleeping like a baby. I shook my head in disgust and went to the bathroom to get ready for my meeting.
In the shower, I let the hot water cascade over my body as I tried to clear my mind of the way that Brian had reacted to learning about my involvement in the anti-war group. I couldn’t see how he could be angry with a group whose sole aim was to keep peace and prevent war, and it pissed me off that he’d just shut down and stopped talking. It made no sense to me whatsoever. I rinsed my hair and turned my face up toward the warm flow one more time before twisting the knobs to shut it off.
I stepped out, grabbed the fluffy towel off of the counter, and began drying myself off as I thought about how to start the conversation with Brian. We were going to have to talk about this in some way or another, or else we weren’t going to be able to find a way to continue the physical part of our relationship, and I had already grown to like it - a lot. I towel-dried my wet hair as I looked in the mirror, and noticed that there were dark circles under my eyes. The stress and lack of sleep were getting to me, and Friday night’s partying hadn’t helped matters.
Ah well, that’s what concealer is for, I thought to myself as I reached into my cosmetic bag and pulled out the tube. As I began to dab it on the dark spots, I was transported back to another morning when I had had to do the same thing, but for very different reasons. The night before, Dominic had returned home angry with me about some imagined infraction of his rules and had spent the evening moping silently in his man cave before emerging to teach me a brutal lesson about obedience. I cringed as I recalled how the concealer hadn’t been able to do its job the next day, but then, it hadn’t been designed to hide the handiwork of a man who was determined to leave his mark on my face.
As I dusted my cheeks with a peachy blush and tried to brighten up my pale skin, I thought about how I was certain that Brian wasn’t at all like Dominic. But I also knew that I wasn’t going to roll over and let another man dictate what I could or couldn’t do with my life; even if it meant that Brian was going to be irritated enough to continue sleeping on the couch.
Two coats of mascara and a swipe of a berry-colored lip gloss later, I considered myself in the mirror and decided I looked good enough to lead the meeting. I pulled my long, thick hair back into a low ponytail and smoothed my bangs before wrapping the towel tightly around myself and walking into the room to grab my clothes. When I emerged from the bathroom, Brian quickly looked away as I headed to my closet.
“It’s okay to look, you, know,” I said in a light tone. “You’ve seen it all anyway.”
“Yeah, got it,” he replied as he tried to hide the smile that flitted across his lips. “Just trying to give you some privacy.”
“Well, it’s hard in a space this small, but I appreciate it,” I said as I grabbed my clothes.
“It’s kind of chilly out there this morning,” Brian offered as he thumbed through my Psych textbook. “You might want to dress appropriately.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back as I felt myself getting defensive. “Are you implying that I don’t usually dress appropriately?”
“Step down, spitfire,” he said as he raised a hand in defense. “I’m just saying that you might want to dress for rain, that’s all. I’m not judging you.”
I stood there fuming as I looked at him. How dare he tell me what’s appropriate and what isn’t! I was sick of his constant back and forth, one minute approving and the next disapproving. I was tired of having to walk on eggshells as we tried to navigate the path between security guard and boyfriend. Suddenly, a flood of questions came rushing into my brain.
Does he see me as his girlfriend? Do I think of him as my boyfriend? Are we a couple? I quickly discounted my answers by telling myself that it was insane to think that he could be someone I viewed as a boyfriend after less than a week. It’s Stockholm Syndrome, only without the kidnapping and violence. I chuckled as this thought crossed my mind.
“What are you laughing about?” Brian asked in an irritated voice. “Is there something funny I don’t know about?”
“Just thinking about my Psych homework,” I replied. “No need to get all irritated with me.”