“Tonight, your drink comes with entertainment,” he said.
A bunch of young girls were doing a dance with poi balls while a band performed behind them. It was good being the one in the audience for a change. I thanked Keno for the drink and fixed myself a plate at the buffet before sitting. The large tables sat groups of people together, but I managed to get one which was still empty.
I tried to eat, but wasn’t that hungry. I tried to concentrate on the performers, but the music just turned to a meaningless droning sound. I started feeling uncomfortable. What was the use of coming here if I couldn’t even stay present? I felt myself start to get sweaty. I downed the rest of my drink and managed to sit five more minutes before I had to leave.
It was bad enough jonesing so hard I couldn’t sit still; I didn’t have to do it in front of fifty strangers. If I was alone and could concentrate, I could will myself not to need the drugs.
I left the luau and headed towards the beach. The water looked black. The tide was out so the waves breaking on the shore were small and gentle. I had looked at the ocean a lot from my room. The moon was up now, casting light on the dark water. It looked really deep and still and calm. Why hadn't I spent more time here since I'd come? I thought for a minute about going in but realized how much of my clothing I'd have to take off to do it.
There was always tomorrow, right? I was here until the end of the summer. Yep. Then I was going back home where... I didn't know what would happen. I felt like I didn't know anything. I might have had control of the wheel at some point, but I'd crashed and burned a while ago. My addiction, Kirsten, the stuff with the band: it was just gasoline on the flame, making it bigger.
I swear to God I hadn't meant it to get this out of control. Did it even matter what I had wanted in the beginning? I was here now. Sitting alone at a party on the beach. Why'd I even come out of my room tonight?
"Nate?" I heard behind me. Great. Now I was hallucinating. "Nate?" I heard it again. It sounded like a girl. I looked behind me and saw Abby walking down the beach towards me. She was barefoot.
"Is everything okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, it's fine. Great luau."
"Can you tell from all the way over here?" she asked gently. She had a point. No, I couldn't tell from all the way over here. I was looking out into the black ocean wondering how far I'd have to walk to be able to drown myself.
"You got me," I sighed.
"I'm sorry I suggested this. Maybe something a little less social next time?" she suggested. Was she still trying to get me to discover the magic of Hawai'i? She was determined to make me have a good time, whether I wanted it or not. I felt sorry for her. She had the most reluctant hotel guest in history to try to entertain.
"It's not your fault; you're just doing your job," I said.
"You can leave if you want. You showed up, and that was the whole point. If you'd rather be somewhere else, that's perfectly fine."
"Who said I wanted to leave?" I looked past her back at the luau. Something was happening on stage; I was a little too far to see. Going back to my suite sounded pretty good, but since I was here already, why not make something out of the effort?
Any other day I would have told her to fuck off, but I was getting too close to using a needle on myself to turn away valuable distractions.
"Do you have to go back?" I asked.
"Not right now."
"Good. Sit."
C
hapter Eight
Abby
He had asked me not to call him Mr. Stone. He had started at the bar, but then he'd spent the rest of his time alone. He had had some food and watched the performances, but then he'd just stood and walked towards the ocean on his own.
I felt a little crazy, stalker fangirl watching him like that, but he had actually come. I'd invited him to come, and he had – and now he was having a terrible time.
I couldn't just leave him like that. Maybe if I hadn't gone up there to talk to him, he would be having a better time alone. I told Makani I would be right back and went over to him. I felt responsible for this. Besides, the guests having a good time was my problem.
I searched his face looking back at me. There was some light from the luau, but it was too dark to see whether he looked as tired as he had been earlier in the day.
He wanted me to sit? With him? I glanced back at the luau. I had said I would be a little bit. Maybe he wanted someone to talk to. The girl in me who had been a fan of his music was nervous as hell about what he'd just asked me to do. The girl whose job it was to make sure he was okay walked over calmly and sat next to him in the sand.
"People like me make your job pretty hard, huh?" he asked, looking at me.
"People who refuse to have a good time?" I said playfully. He laughed a little.