“Your body is going through a lot right now, Erik. You’ve got to listen to it. Have you had breakfast yet?”
“No. I was too sore. I decided to sleep instead.”
Just then Cassidy came into the room with a breakfast tray. She set it down next to me and looked on with pity in her eyes. I didn’t want her to feel pity for me. I didn’t want to look weak to her or anyone else, but in that moment, there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I was weak and there was no denying it.
It was funny to me that I was so afraid of looking weak to people, yet for months I had been getting so drunk that my friends had literally carried me up the stairs to my room. One night, a girl had been waiting in my room fully naked and I couldn’t even remember if I managed to get myself together enough to screw her. She had disappeared by morning, and it wasn’t like I knew her name, so that was a mystery I would likely never know the answer to.
“Go ahead and rest up today, then tomorrow, I want to see you out more. Deal?” Jarrod asked. “And you have to eat something and drink some Gatorade.”
“Yeah, I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all any of us can do.”
Jarrod left and Cassidy followed him. I liked her, but as time went by, I started to like her for real reasons, not just because she drove my body crazy. She was obviously a bit of a misfit, with her bright red hair and tongue piercing, yet she seemed to fit in with everyone. That ability made me jealous. I was a regular guy with brown hair and brown eyes – nothing about my physical appearance stood out, yet I always felt like an outcast.
Never had I been in a room of people and felt like I truly belonged; well, not since my mother had died. She was the last person who I had truly felt like myself with. With her death had come the death of my own personality and happiness.
It didn’t happen because I wanted to be misunderstood, like many other teenagers did. I actually wanted friends; I wanted people to care about me. I searched out that feeling of love by giving people things. I threw parties so people would surround me with their version of caring, yet none of it ever filled me up.
As I lay in bed, still drenched in sweat, I hated the person I had become and the emptiness that filled me up. None of these people could understand what it was like to be happy on the outside and devastatingly lonely on the inside. The other people at Paradise Peak were rich and had people in their lives. They knew more about love than I could even imagine, and I didn’t want to let them see how uneducated I was on the topic.
I closed my eyes again, but not to sleep. I just wanted to lay there and take in the calmness of the moment. For months, even years, I had been constantly running around trying to prove I was worth being loved. It had been exhausting, and look where it had landed me.
I didn’t know the answer to get out of my own despair, but for the first time in a very long time, I was all right with not knowing. Whether Jarrod knew what a good therapist he was or not, I wasn’t sure, but I appreciated his focus on me in those momen
ts. I had felt worthy of it, and appreciated it.
“Do you want my pancakes?” Brad asked as he carried a stack of hot pancakes in his hands toward me.
“Um, I have some, but thanks,” I said as I sat up and pointed to the tray Cassidy had brought into my room.
“You’re not supposed to eat in your room.”
“I know. I think it’s all right this time, though.”
“What’s your name? I’m sorry, I forgot. I forget things a lot nowadays.”
“I’m Erik. You’re Brad, right?”
“Yeah.”
“How long you been here?” I asked him as I tried to be a little social with the guy.
“I can’t remember.”
I laughed at first because I thought he was joking. How could someone be in a treatment facility and not remember how long they had been there? But as I looked at the serious expression on his face, I realized he was telling the truth.
“Sorry.”
“It’s all right. I fried my brain over the years. It’s my addiction. I can’t stop,” he said nonchalantly.
“Well, you’re here, right? You’re trying to stop. You look like you’re doing better than me, if that helps at all.”
“Yeah, a little,” he said as he cracked a smile.
Brad and I continued talking for a little while. He certainly had lost a few brain cells over the years, but he was a down to earth guy. It was funny to me how normal he seemed while talking to me. I had heard him throw a fit about almost every single meal he had been fed since I had been there, yet while sitting with me he seemed like a meek and mild-mannered guy.
“Brad, it’s time for group,” Cassidy said as she stood in the doorway. “Erik, you should give it a try today. I hear Melanie is going to talk about our hike yesterday.”