“Yeah. Too damn long. See, that’s the thing. The longer you wait to make up, the harder it gets. If this went on for years, even months, you’d never be able to fix whatever problems you’ve got between you two. Whatever it is, Jake, it needs to be squashed right away.”
“She won’t open up. She won’t even answer her phone.”
“Then it won’t work, and if it does, it will only get worse.”
“What’s going to happen to Haylie, Andrew?”
“I don’t know. I’m gonna fight, keep my shit together, and if she tries to get full custody, I’ll take her to court. But I don’t want to do any of this. I want my fucking family. Honestly, Jake, I wish I were you right now. Even if Mercedes doesn’t come back to you, you haven’t been with her as long as I have. It’s different for you.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe not,” he said. “But you need to make sure that you get rid of any unresolved issues you might have with her. If you don’t, it’s going to get a lot worse, and I don’t want to see you go through something that you can’t come back from.”
“I won’t let things go on like this. You’re right.”
“Let’s go.” Andrew stood up and started picking up his napkins.
I drove him back to the house and had some of the staff help get him cleaned up. I went up to my room so I could decide what to do.
Chapter 32
Mercedes
I felt the sun hit my blanket, and my eyes shot open. There was a dull, weary ache behind my eyes that wouldn’t go away. It had been there for days. It would’ve made me cry had my tear ducts not been drained already. Instead, it sat there, weighing my head down against the pillow while a sob rolled through me.
I’d screwed everything up. Now, there was nothing I could do to fix it because I made the right decision and there was no going back on it. Jake and I couldn’t be together. I should’ve listened to my instincts.
I never fell for anyone, even when I was younger. Life was always about my ambitions, like finally getting through school and getting a real job. I didn’t have time for men, but they kept popping up, so I taught myself a trick. Every time I found myself starting to get attached to a man, I started scrutinizing him. I’d focus on all their flaws and pick apart their head.
I looked at everything, from their career to their beliefs. Even their mannerisms. Then, I used what I found to stick a label on them. One guy was a washout. Another was a stoner. Nothing could possibly be enough for me because I simply didn’t have the time to deal with their crap.
My instincts were finely tuned. I could smell crazy on a guy. I knew when I was looking at a bad seed. I saw it coming. The second I took the money from Jake’s hand, I knew I was making a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken the money from him. I should’ve walked away. Instead, I let myself get pulled into a demented charade, and then I got attached to a liar. Someone that talked about me behind my back to his ex-girlfriend or whatever the hell Becky was to him.
Tears flowed out now. It was a neverending wave, stinging my cheeks and filling my pores. The grief was unimaginable. I thought I cared about him, that he really meant something. He was so sweet. He really wanted to do something good. He wanted to change my life and s
how me the world, and he would have, had I not come to my senses.
I knew why I was blind to his faults. He had that face, bright and youthful, and his eyes constantly gleamed. Then there was his smile, the most disarming thing about him.
He had the most beautiful golden hair. It seemed to glow every time the sunlight hit it. It was his defining feature, and I loved it. He was my golden god. It didn’t seem possible for the sun to keep shining now that he was gone, but it was, and I had to face it. Every speck of light peeking through my blanket was a ruthless reminder that he was gone.
His golden hair wasn’t a halo. He had the right intentions, and I had no doubt that he thought he cared about me. But I was the poor, innocent girl, and I was desperate for cash. My hesitation just made it better. He liked the hunt, and the worst part was that he didn’t even know what he was doing. He’d bought the lie that his love life was based on.
That’s what made him sick. I would’ve given into him if he were lying. That would’ve been so much easier. His façade would’ve fallen away, and the real Jake would creep out. But this was a real delusion. He bought into his own lie.
That stung.
People don’t choose the type of person they fall in love with. It’s like girls with a daddy complex, or men that choose women just like their mother. That’s not an intentional thing. It’s subconscious, sitting deep inside you, and in order for that sadistic process to start, there has to be something about the person they’re falling in love with that sets it off.
If he liked whores, he had to see me as a whore. Something about me must’ve set that instinct off. Was I just like all the other poor women that got stuck in that life? Was I vulnerable? Loose? That thought kept me in bed.
This was my fault. I should’ve been smarter; I was smarter, but he was the embodiment of masculine sexuality. Every time I saw him, I thought about what it was like to have him pounding through me with sweat dripping down his chest.
Those thoughts brought on an unbearable wave of guilt, so powerful that I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t face myself. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a self-destructive, callous fool with no self-worth and not one ounce of integrity.
I broke his heart. I led him on because I was blinded by a dick when I should’ve been focused on the man dying on the other side of my bedroom wall. It wasn’t just desperation. I was past that. I wasn’t there for the money. I was there because I was blind.
There’s no cure for blindness. Throwing the blankets over me didn’t help, and the shower didn’t wash it away. I still missed him, and that feeling wasn’t going away. It took everything I had, everything, to keep from calling him. I had to block his calls just to keep from answering them, and even then, I couldn’t stop myself from reading his messages.