"Regardless of what I just said, I am a professional above everything else. I take my sacred oaths seriously. If you choose to keep me as your cosmetic surgeon, I promise to be professional above all else. I know I can provide safe quality work. I do not want you to go somewhere else. But that is up to you."
The security guard at the gate waved us through. I hoped he was not a gossiper. We stopped in front of my building and I looked at Bullet through my pink-hued glasses. "I appreciate your honesty with me. It is nice to know and it is not entirely your fault. I do not believe you took advantage of me in the sense that you did something nefarious to me. I got drunk; I was attracted to you — end of story. I know I was ridiculous when I woke up but please keep in mind I woke up in a strange place, not remembering what had happened to me or where I was. That is not something that happens to me. I do not enjoy that. In addition, for the record, no matter what you remember, I do not sleep around. In fact, I have not been with anyone in almost 9 months. So thanks for the ride. I will think about what you told me and I will let you know my decision. I am determined to have this surgery done but I have some questions."
"I'm sure you do, Lilly. You have my card with all of my numbers. Please call me. I am here if you want me as a doctor or just as a friend. I can separate those two. Go get some rest and drink plenty of water." I nodded behind my big oversized glasses and climbed out of the car. If I had not been so totally hung over, I would have complimented him on his Audi 6.
I watched him drive off and another car pulled up. I knew whose old green beater that was — it was Kate. She looked bright eyed and happy, a rare combination for her. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in."
"Don't give me a hard time, woman! Help me into the house. I feel like my head is going to explode. Either that or I am going to die of shame." I jangled the keys until I found the right one. I slid it into the door and practically fell into my apartment. I kicked off my shoes and stripped off my dress. I walked to the bathroom and Kate followed me. She was not one to stand on ceremony. I turned on the showerheads, stripped down and climbed in.
"I don't know what the big deal is. You had a great time right?"
I squirted shampoo into my hand and worked suds through my hair. "I would agree with you if I can remember. I remember pieces, but I don't have a full memory of last night."
"That can happen when you choose to drink too much." Kate shared her trademark, wicked chuckle.
"What about you? You drank as much as I did. You aren't dying." I grabbed a loofah and began to scrub last night away.
"Yes, and it is called conditioning, lassie." Kate mocked me with an over emphasized expression of her native accent. "You don't have the bones to drink hard liquor. That is a privilege reserved for the Irish."
I turned off the shower and reached for a soft towel. I twisted my long hair squeezing out the water and then began patting it dry. I wrapped the towel around my head and grabbed another one for my body, stepping out of the shower. "The truth is I am mad as hell at Dr. Steinmann for not stopping me. He should have said no. He should've refused."
"Why would he do that? You are beautiful, available and coming onto him — why would he say that? Don't you think you are making a big deal out of nothing? I mean I know it has been a long time since you have been with someone, but you’re kind of acting like a jerk. I mean, did he hurt you? Did he ask you to do something weird? Was he just totally gross?"
"No! Nothing like that. He was not weird, and he did not hurt me, well not in a bad way. There is nothing gross about him either. It just wasn't the way I wanted things to be." I flopped on my bed ready to pass out and get some more sleep.
"It all boils down to this my dear, you are a dater. You are not a one-night stand kind of girl and there is nothing wrong with that. Some women are, some women are not. I think once you get some sleep you will feel better. Hey, at least he brought you home, right? That has to count for something." Kate pulled the covers over me. "You could have done much worse. Bullet Steinmann is an extremely gorgeous man. I bet he was fun to play with. Tell me details!"
"Please, Kate. I want to sleep and not think about anything. If I can remember details, I will give them to you tomorrow, okay?"
Kate dragged herself off my bed and closed the blinds. "Good night, Lilly. Call me later." She left, locking the door behind her.
Now that I was alone and in my own bed, I could think about last night. I struggled at first in my post-tequila haze, just remembering pieces of memories here and there. Eventually, I fell asleep and I dreamed of Bullet. About 1 o'clock that afternoon, I got up not feeling 100 percent but at least I could walk across the floor without wanting to throw up. I made a cup of coffee and sat on the floor next to my couch on my shag rug. I picked up my phone, no messages, no calls, thank goodness.
All of a sudden, I remembered everything. From the first shot to the last hug, it all came back in a wave of memories, and in none of them was I a victim. No, I had been a willing participant — from the beginning to the end. That puts things in a different perspective. I had unleashed my fury on a guy who had not deserved it. Bullet had been an attentive lover even though he was as intoxicated as I was. It still seemed wrong somehow but less so now that I could remember what happened. You are an ass, Lilly.
I had called Dr. Steinmann's office the day after our interlude to book an appointment with him. Partly because I wanted to apologize and half because I knew he was the best at what he did. I had full confidence that he would give me the best breast job available. It had been a week since I saw Bullet; he had not bothered to call or text me. I picked up the phone a few times but just could not bring myself to make the call. Now here I was back in Dr. Steinmann's Kansas City office waiting to see him.
I tried not to think about how long it took me to get dressed. I had carefully selected another silk bra and panty set, not pink this time but black. I had settled on jeans and a dress shirt for this appointment — I was trying to keep it casual. But I had to admit that I kind of looked forward to seeing him- again after all, he had been my only lover for the past eight months.
"Miss Brightwood!" Patsy leaned through the window and smiled at me. "You can step back now." I grabbed my leather purse and walked into the back offices. Patsy led me to a changing table room. "Dr. Steinmann will be
right with you."
"Okay, thank you." I sat in the same chair as last time, flipping through my phone messages while I waited. I was just finishing up a text to a study partner when Bullet walked in. He had a somber look, not as jovial and confident as the last time I visited him in his office.
He walked to the counter and flipped through my file, reviewing my information. "How have you been doing?" Well that was a reasonable question to ask; a good a place as any to start this conversation.
"Good. I really want to talk to you about..."
"Do you still plan to continue with your surgery? If so, my office manager tells me you need to choose a date before you leave since our schedule for the next few months is nearly full." He barely looked at me. What was going on here? Was he giving me the cold shoulder?
Maybe it was time to lay all my cards on the table. "I have to talk about that night or I won't be able to move past it. Can we talk?"
Bullet sat in the chair opposite me. He left my file on the counter. "I told you I was a professional and I'm doing my best not to mix personal with business. I have been more than willing to talk. If you remember correctly, I asked you to call me before I dropped you off but you chose not to. I understand that, you still blame me for that night and you believe that somehow I took advantage of you. I would rather talk about this outside of my office but since you bring it up, all I can say is I am sorry. It will never happen again. If I see you outside of the office, I will not bother you."
There was no hiding the stunned look on my face. This was not what I had expected and not what I wanted. I just wanted to talk, to sort out how I felt since that involved him. I wanted him in the conversation. He had told me he was sorry but what I was hearing was a little different. He sounded angry — no not angry. Could he be hurt? Could he see my not calling as a rejection? I don’t know but this was getting even more complicated. Still determined to explain myself I spoke up.
"I don't often indulge in alcohol and even less frequently do I go to clubs. Do not take this the wrong way but I had some attraction to you before I visited Allistair's. Seeing you there excited me but a sober Lilly would never have visited your hotel room on a whim." He didn't say a word, just looked at me. Man I can't read him at all! I stumbled on. "I know I made things worse by waking up like a screaming banshee. It was so out of character for me, it was easier to believe that you somehow coerced me there. I am sorry for that. I remember...I mean I know now that it was my idea too." He seemed to soften a little but we were both unsure about moving forward.