“Nothing I can’t handle. It’s like I said, it is time to make that change we talked about. I’m ready to put the past behind me.”
“That’s great. I’m glad to hear that.” We ended our conversation on a positive note and I felt better having talked to him. Next thing I did was call and cancel some memberships, like to Executive Massage. It wasn’t really just because of Lilly. She may never call me or see me again—this was for the future, my future. I wanted what Slate had. Not Gretchen; no those feelings were dead and gone, but meeting Lilly had given me hope that maybe I could like/love just one woman. Maybe I did want a home with a family, you know, a kid or two, some pets—the whole nine yards. I wasn’t completely sure but right now I had not left myself any options. All I was doing was making room for some options.
Next I called Slate. The holidays were coming up and I planned on seeing my family this year. Like my brother said, “You have nephews you haven’t met yet.” It was time to meet them and make amends with Gretchen. I had to stop running from the painful past. I decided I would also go visit the graves of my family members, go have a talk with Dad. Lastly, I went through my phone and deleted a few dozen phone numbers. Mostly girls but also hookups like Rafe. They weren’t going to fit into my new, respectable life. When it was over, I had a negative thought. Who are you kidding Bullet? What difference is this going to make? You are who you are, you can’t change that.
“Shut the hell up!” I told myself.
It was Sunday so I took the newspaper off the porch and went right for the classifieds. I needed to get out of this neighborhood. It was a nice house but too many of my old acquaintances knew where I lived. Dr. Pennington practically promised me the partnership so I felt comfortable looking for something closer to his clinic. Pennington had a massive operation; he was the premiere physician in the city and that was saying something. There were plenty of medical clinics and doctors in the region. I had been lucky—really lucky to have hooked up with him at the beginning of my career. I was doubly fortunate to have him as a friend. His advice was indispensable. I circled a few possibilities and contacted a realtor friend, a guy from college, about some of the houses I saw. He promised to get me some information soon. It felt good to be moving forward, even in a small way.
At the end of the day, I started a fire in the fireplace and sat on my couch staring at it. I thought about Lilly, about our time in front of the fire. That had been exciting and steamy but I had been wrong to allow Rafe and Eve to watch us. I had betrayed Lilly’s trust, even though she had not known about it. It had ruined the memory for me. I wished there was a way I could tell her how sorry I was beyond that tiny note I left her.
Then I thought about my brother, how I had treated him and made him feel. In a way, Page was right, I was a complete and utter asshole. But one thing she had been wrong about—I wanted to be a better person. Only thing was, I’d been stuck in a rut for so long, I wasn’t really sure I would ever get out of it. But I hoped I would.
I flipped on the radio and scanned through the stations. I never listened to classical music but once I heard the lovely strains of a violin, I stopped to listen. I lay on my couch thinking about Lilly and how beautiful she looked playing that old violin in the shop. She looked like an otherworldly being touching a magical instrument, her beautiful face transformed into pure joy and delight. That was an expression I would never see during our lovemaking. It was something she only reserved for her music. I loved that about her—it made me want her even more.
But I’d blown my chance, right? I had treated Lilly as if she were just another girl, another receptacle for my use. Now I missed her more than I ever missed Gretchen.
I guess I would have to live with that.
Chapter Nine
Lilly
The following day, I went with Kate to her house to pack up all of Riley’s things. He’d been “crashing” there since their first hookup and now Katie wanted everything gone. She piled all his clothing, CDs and other random belongings in boxes and taped them up. She was too classy to cut anything up or pour bleach into his clothing. In fact, she had been strangely quiet during the process until we’d stacked the last box by the front door.
“I’ve made a decision, Lilly. I’ve decided that I am going to be abstinent for a while. No more playing in the sheets for me. I have had it.”
I smiled at her and said, “Katie, really? I never thought I’d hear anything like this coming from your lips. You were always so free, in that way, until this guy. I know the hurt is still fresh but do you think you should be making decisions like that right now? Maybe you need a little rebound romance to get you out of your funk,” I joked around.
She looked at me seriously. “What about you, Lilly? Are you willing to take your own advice? You know, with some rebound sex?”
I stared at her over the boxes. “What do you mean? Bullet and I had not planned on getting married, Kate. We were just having some fun. Okay, maybe my comment was a little inappropriate but it’s not like you haven’t done that before. I was just trying to be helpful.” I apologized. I really couldn’t believe it. She’d always been so cavalier and kind of callous before about love. I guess she’d really thrown her heart out there for Riley. “I’m sorry Kate—that was insensitive.”
She sighed and put the packing tape and scissors in her desk drawer. “It’s not you. I’m just being a bitch right now. Sorry. I know you are trying to help me. I am serious about the abstinence thing though. I have had it with men for now. I need some time for Kate. I think I’m going to plan an adventure and go somewhere exotic.”
I smiled at her with widened eyes, “That sounds great! I might go with you.”
“No, you have some business to take care of here first. I’m talking about leaving as soon as I can renew my passport. Maybe take a trip to the Bahamas, or hey, Greece. I have always wanted to go there!”
I laughed at the idea of Kate being abstinent in Greece. Yeah, right. That was going to happen. She’d need me to keep her committed. “Why can’t I go? I don’t have anything else to do. Just some rumors of an opening with Metro. Quite frankly, I’m tired of waiting on those jerks. It’s all politics after all.”
“I’m not talking about Metro and you know it. I’m talking about you and Bullet. Are you really going to let the little bitch steal what you guys have? You said yourself, she was only calling because she wanted to stir up crap. No way, he’s interested in her. No way at all and yet you’re going to do exactly what she hoped.”
“What do you mean? You heard what she said about how he used to sleep with his patients. He’s never going to be happy with me.” I couldn’t believe that I had to explain this to her; she of all people knew how crappy guys could be.
“You never gave that guy a chance to explain anything and besides that, all this sleeping around stuff was before you came along, Lilly. Why do you think Page was so pissed off? Because she knew he had changed and she couldn’t control him anymore! Obviously he didn’t want her but she was okay with that as long as he did not have anyone else. He wasn’t the guy he used to be and she was afraid. She saw him settling down and she wanted to be the one he settled down with but apparently the heart doesn’t work that way.” She sniffled a little and blinked away the moisture. “Pardon me for saying this but how could you be so, well, stupid?”
“So now I’m stupid. Gee, thanks Kate. That makes me feel better.” She hugged me and kissed my cheek before she released me. She said, “You know I love you Lilly, but you need to let bygones be bygones. Stop assuming the worst, stop freaking out on this guy. He’s a beautiful man. He’s talented, successful and he likes you. Listen, I’m not an expert on relationships, obviously, but I do know one thing. If I really liked him I would not let his past stop me from being with him. At least hear the man out.”
“I don’t know, Kate. I need to trust whoever I am with. You know my history. I don’t think I can trust him.”
“Let me ask you this,” Kate’s many bracelets that she wore jangled as she slapped her hands together. She looked like a petite gypsy complete with a mass of dark ringlets and a broom skirt. “Has he ever cheated on you? I mean, have you ever caught him with another girl?”
“No,” I said honestly.
“Then he hasn’t been unfaithful if that’s what you are worried about. He’s just been a player. Now he has you and he wants you. I would at least listen to the man. Ask him for the truth. Ask him if he wants another fling or if he really wants a relationship. Find out for yourself before writing him off. For goodness sake, don’t rely on Page as a character witness. She’s got an agenda and doesn’t care about your happiness. For the record, I would love to take you on this trip but I want you to deal with this first. Don’t leave with a bunch of regrets.”
What she said made sense but I didn’t know if I wanted to even ask Bullet about what Page had told me. I had his note in my pocket but I hadn’t really intended to call him, had I?