But will I ever be ready?
There’s a part of me that thinks I’m being stupid, that I’m waiting for something that doesn’t exist. Am I waiting because I think I’m going to find Cameron Version 2? Am I waiting because I think it’s respectful to my dead husband? Am I waiting because I’m scared?
I’m waiting because I’m scared.
I’m terrified.
I remember the pain when I found out he was dead. I remember not believing it until the funeral. I remember being in shock for weeks. I remember trying to take care of my toddler. I remember trying to explain that her father was never, never coming back.
And I remember how strong I was.
I remember pulling myself together each day for her.
I remember getting dressed, and being brave, and holding it together.
And I wonder why I seem to have stopped when it comes to my dating life.
In the rest of the world, I’m brave. I handle myself well at work. I do a great job at the daycare. I’m never late to work. I never miss a day. I’m on top of any problem before it escalates. I manage my budget well. My house is almost paid off. I don’t have any other debt. I cook dinner for my daughter and myself each night.
And I’m on top of my laundry.
But when it comes to men, when it comes to giving myself, I’m a huge flake. I’m terrified. I’m scared. I don’t want to feel the emotional connection that comes with being a submissive. I don’t want to feel that close to a Dominant partner because at the end of the scene, I want to walk away with my heart still intact.
I don’t want to risk anything.
I don’t want to chance getting hurt.
But isn’t that what love is all about?
Isn’t that the beauty of falling in love?
Isn’t that part of the beauty of being human?
Sometimes we love really, really deeply and then we hurt just as badly. Sometimes our partner betrays us in ways so horrible we can’t understand it. Sometimes the person we love stabs us in the heart and it breaks our soul, just a little bit.
But sometimes they don’t.
And sometimes love can be beautiful.
So tonight, I’m making a decision. I’m going to be brave. I’m going to be bold. I’m going to stop refusing what people offer me. I’m going to stop being so scared. I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and tomorrow night, when I go to Anchored, I’m going to be the badass warrior woman I am inside.
I’m going to be incredible.
I’m going to be me.
Chapter 8
Zack
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She’s here again tonight.
Christina.
The submissive I’ve been mooning over for weeks is here and tonight, I can play. Tonight, I can actually do something I’ve been wanting to do since I first laid eyes on her. Tonight, I can ask her if she wants to scene with me.
Only before I can make my way through the crowd to her, I see her talking with another Dom, and my heart sinks when I see them negotiating a scene. She’s going to play with him, but damn if I’m not going to watch.