I had to admit, the idea of Rachel keeping Sadie would take care of my problem. I just wasn’t so sure it didn’t invite another problem in the door. Because Rachel was really attractive. There was something about her. My instincts told me that Rachel was a lot of things, but a one-night stand wasn’t one of them. There was more to her and more to the spark between us than a quick roll in the hay, however satisfying. It would come with feelings and complications. And Sadie liked her. It horrified me to think of getting involved with someone Sadie knew and liked, someone who cared for her. It felt like a disaster waiting to happen. My little girl had already been walked out on by her mother. I promised her when she was a newborn that I would always be there for her and take care of her, that I would never parade a host of girlfriends through her life to confuse her, to play mom temporarily and then desert her when things went south in their relationships with me. I would protect Sadie no matter what. Even if it meant living my life alone. She deserved stability. She didn’t need to be subjected to a revolving door of casserole-toting local women who wanted to warm my bed and dress her up like a baby doll with a bow in her hair. I sighed.
I did need a reliable babysitter. Instead of shackling myself into a loveless marriage to secure a woman to raise my child for me, I’d opted for single fatherhood. Now I needed to hire someone new to watch Sadie, and the decision felt so important. Whoever I chose needed to be loving and engaged, not some teenager who spent hours playing Fortnite or whatever and ignoring my daughter. They needed to be energetic and fun, interested in teaching her things, making sure she had a wonderful, small-town summer. Simple joys like drawing with sidewalk chalk, playing on her swing set, going to story time at the library and catching fireflies in a jar. The sort of carefree, old-fashioned childhood I wished I’d had.
I made a list on my phone of what I wanted for Sadie now that Denise was leaving. Things like swimming lessons and trips to the park, a lemonade stand. Okay, so we lived out in the country, but I’d send all my workers up to buy lemonade off of her that day. It was all so sweet and wholesome, and I needed someone to make it happen when I wasn’t here. Someone who’d joke around with Sadie and let her be herself and follow her interests, not make up some kind of stupid routine like Captain VonTrapp or some shit. She could spend all day picking flowers in her bathing suit and not even brush her hair as long as she was happy. I needed someone who understood that. Someone who, say, saved the best coloring book for her and coaxed her to try some vegetables. I rolled my eyes at myself. The answer was so obvious. I just had to let go of the fact that I was so damn attracted to Rachel. I wasn’t going to act on it. I couldn’t even consider it, couldn’t so much as flirt with her.
I called Noah and asked what he thought since he’d known Rachel a long time.
“I think it’s a no-brainer, man. She’s fantastic. Except for one thing.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“You’re going to have the worst case of blue balls in state history. Possibly in all of recorded national history. The world record people will come interview you.”
“Shut up,” I said.
“Why? They’ll want to document the fact that you have a hard-on that won’t go away for months.”
“Rachel is not a conquest for me.”
“Conquest? Dude, did you get up this morning and put on a top hat and ride a horse because that is some old-fashioned shit you’re talking right now. Conquest?”
“She isn’t somebody I’m going to hook up with. A one-night stand with someone like her would just mess up my summer childcare arrangements.”
“Oh. Really? That’s how you’re going to handle this? Pretend there’s no attraction and like you didn’t go after that jerk in the bar with murder on your face over her? I don’t think that’s the right way to go about this, but you’re a grown man. You’ll figure things out.”
“Really? How would you deal with this?”
“Easy. I’d talk to her. Tell her, hey, it’s obvious I’m attracted to you. If we’re going to work together this summer, I wanted that out in the open. I’m not going to bother you in any way, but if you decide you’re interested, let me know.”
“So, you’d basically sexually harass her? Make her uncomfortable? Maybe get her to quit the job before she starts? How is that better than my method of ignoring any attraction until I have it subdued?”