I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt honored in a way, and grateful that such a woman would give herself to me, knowing to expect nothing in return. Because the feelings I had for her would stay unspoken. It would be cruel to tell her I cared for her, was falling for her when it changed nothing. I wouldn’t lead her on. She deserved better. I kissed her forehead and took her in my arms and held her.
“I wish things were different. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. I won’t go crazy over you or anything. We will be friends, like we have been all along.”
“When I hang out with Noah, this isn’t what we do,” I quipped.
“Really? Cause Laura and I have been best friends for years…” she teased.
“Really. In all seriousness, I want very much to be your friend. I want to do all I can to help you get the diner. I want you to be happy. I realize what I want isn’t the most important thing here, but—”
“Thank you. For wishing me well. I want the same for you, and I want Sadie to grow happy and healthy and brave.”
I shook my head, stroked her hair and didn’t want to let go of her. The lack of hard feelings made things worse somehow. It would’ve been easier if she blamed me, hated me.
“Somewhere in this backwater, there’s got to be a man or two with enough sense to realize your worth and to know he should give anything to win you over and keep you. You’ll get the diner, revolutionize the operation, and then you’ll have a minute to stop and look around. There’ll be a line of men with flowers waiting on you to have time to go to dinner.”
“I hope they get the flowers from Trixie. Hers are the best, and I’m always glad to send business her way,” Rachel said.
That almost broke my heart, the way she threw in hope for good things to happen to her friend, her successful and settled friend. Her loyalty, her wishing the best for everyone, including me when I was kicking her out of my house after sex—it was too much. I swear to God, I almost said it right then, almost said that I loved her. The only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that it would be a selfish and hurtful thing to tell her that.
She gave me a hug and then slipped out of my arms and gathered her clothes. She disappeared into the bathroom and came back fully dressed, looking like nothing had happened.
“Are you awake enough to drive? This road’s tricky in the dark,” I said, feeling a rush of fear seize my heart. She could careen off the edge of the high, twisting road, half asleep and tearful over my rejection. I’d never forgive myself. I was ready to tell her to sleep on the couch and we’d just tell Sadie she slept over because she was too sleepy to drive, and it wasn’t safe. “You can stay here—”
“No, I can’t, and we both know it. It’s sweet of you to worry, Max, but I’ve been on my own a long time. I can take care of myself.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, wavering.
“I better be,” she said with a half-smile, “don’t stress out about this, okay? We’re fine.”
“Text me when you get home. Please,” I said, knowing I had no right to ask it of her.
“Okay,” she said lightly, and slipped her shoes on and left. I stood at the window and watched her taillights recede as she drove away.
I regretted a lot of things in that moment. The biggest one was implying it had been a mistake and couldn’t happen again. Because I wanted her to turn the car around and come back to me. I wanted her to stay. I just didn’t know how to let myself have this, and I couldn’t justify risking my daughter’s stability and comfort for my own happiness. Because that’s what it was—my happiness. Not physical gratification or a fling. Somehow my happiness had gotten tangled up with Rachel.
17
Rachel
That was the second glass I’d dropped and broken. I’d also mixed up a couple of orders, which was unusual for me. Except when I was in a total fog over Max Shaffer apparently. I scooped up the broken glass and went and dumped it in the trash behind the counter.
Hugh, who had come in to look over the books that day, cleared his throat. “You need a break, Rach? Take fifteen.”
“Thanks. I think you’re right,” I said.
I untied my apron, hung it up and went out behind the building. I dialed Laura. I needed her to ground me and make me think like an adult and not a teenager.
“Hey, what’s up?” she said.