Now, a year later, she’s doing just that. And not because I’m weak, vulnerable, or anything else. She’s doing it because she thinks I’m interested in another woman. “Peggy, stop. Listen to me, okay? I hate this. I hate what I’m doing to you, but more than anything I hate for you to see me like this. It’s not pretty when I’m weak.” I barely can even mutter the word. “And I don’t want you to see me this way.”
She stopped walking but doesn’t turn around until I’m finished. Which is probably good because I probably wouldn’t have been able to get it out if she was looking at me.
“I know you’re not weak. You’re the strongest man I know, and I love you, Jeremy. You’re my husband, and no matter what, I want it to stay that way. But you can’t keep pushing me away.”
I look down at my hands in my lap. I don’t know why I can’t look her in the eyes. I miss seeing her face, the way her eyes light up and the special smile she has just for me. But I can’t look at her because I’m afraid that’s all gone. That her looks will be filled with pity now instead. “I’m going to do better.”
She sighs loudly, and it hurts to know that my response doesn’t inspire any hope in her. “Sure, Jeremy. I’d appreciate that.”
She walks over toward the sink and starts to do the dishes. I could sit here all night and watch her. She’s curvier than she was when we met over twenty years ago, but to me, she’s still the most beautiful woman in any room. I can’t believe she thinks I would have interest in Dr. Greening. Doesn’t Peggy know she’s the only woman I have ever wanted since the day I met her? I couldn’t even imagine being with another woman. She’s doubting how I feel about her, and without a doubt it’s my fault. I’m the reason that she’s having these thoughts. I haven’t been very loving—hell, I haven’t even been kind to her. I have to do better. I just have to.
4
Peggy
He’s sleeping in the living room again. Why did I think he’d do anything different?
I get ready for bed, and when I climb under the covers I’m angry with myself for hoping he’d come and be with me in our bed. He hasn’t touched me in a sexual way—heck, any way since before he left, more than a year ago, and I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t really want me.
How much longer can we go on like we are? Is he just waiting for me to give up and leave so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy?
That thought whirls around in my mind until I’m up and pacing next to the bed. Before I can back down or talk myself out of it, I go to the living room to confront him. I walk past the twins’ rooms and see they’re both asleep before I go to the other side of the house. The whole way, I’m telling myself not to cry, but as soon as I start to talk, the tears start to roll down my cheeks. He’s moved to the recliner and is sitting in the dark room, no television on, nothing, just staring at the wall.
“I thought we could do better. I thought together we could heal, but you just can’t let me in, and instead of continuing to beg and plead with you I realize that maybe it’s just not something you can do. If we can’t heal together then I think we’d do better separated.”
His hands are gripping each other across his flat stomach. He lifts one of his hands and starts to stroke his beard. I wait, standing there like a fool, wondering if he’s going to fight for me, for us. But it doesn’t take long for me to realize it’s not going to happen. He doesn’t even seem interested in talking this out, and still he won’t look at me.
I start to sob, and I can’t take it anymore. I turn and run back to the bedroom. I throw myself onto the bed and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I cry for the men that are like Jeremy’s brothers, for Jason that lost his life, for Josie and Jaxon, for Cole and his scarred body. And then I cry for Jeremy and me. My hopes and dreams of us overcoming this are dwindling every day. The future looks so bleak without him by my side. I cry until I can’t cry anymore and all I want to do is sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll figure out the rest.
Jeremy
I don’t sleep at all. Hell, I don’t even close my eyes to rest. I’m worried about losing my wife, and even though I’ve pushed her away for so long, I don’t want to lose her. I can’t.