I bring her flowers, and they make her smile. I love her smile. It makes me want to kiss her, taste her lips, and hear her soft whimpers that I used to draw from her with just a touch. But she’s standing, and I’m in the damn wheelchair.
We talk over lunch, and I remind her of fun times we had together. I try not to focus on the life I had before, when I felt like I was whole. But almost all of our memories are from before. “Do you remember the day we brought the twins home? We didn’t have a clue what we were doing.”
She laughs and nods her head. “Yes, I remember I freaked out and started crying. The kids were crying, I was a mess.” She looks at me with worship in her eyes. The same way she’s looked at me for twenty years now. “And I remember you held it all together. I know you wanted to freak out too, but you didn’t. You took over, calmed the kids and me, all while convincing me that I was going to be the best mother. And I don’t know how you did it, but you made me believe it. You always were able to do that. Make me feel loved and special.”
Her voice drops off toward the end, and I know she’s thinking about the last year. I haven’t shown her any kind of love in a long time. I have so much to make up for. “Peggy, I’ve never stopped loving you. Do you know how much I loved you that day?”
She nods, and I can tell she’s remembering it. Our wedding day was a small affair because back then we didn’t have the money for anything fancy. But neither one of us cared; we just knew we wanted to be married to each other. That’s all that mattered. And when we had the twins, my God, I never dreamed I could love her more than that day. “Well, I love you twenty times more than I did then. My love grows for you every day. I can’t stop it. Even when I wanted to because I know you’re better off without me, I still couldn’t stop loving you.”
She leans toward me, and I know she wants a kiss. The desire in her eyes is evident, and I want her just as badly. Every night I go to sleep in the recliner with my cock hard for wanting her. But I’m sure that when she leans forward, she’ll place her hand on my knee as she always did and most likely feel my stump. Instead I take her hand, giving it a squeeze and hating myself for not giving her what she wants.
6
Peggy
Today was the best day in a long while, and I’m hoping it’s going to get better. The kids are at friends’ houses for sleepovers, and so Jeremy and I are watching a movie and eating popcorn. It’s a romantic comedy, and several times during the movie I could have sworn I felt him looking over at me like he wanted to touch me.
I’m literally aching for him to touch me. Just to be in his arms again would be enough right now. At least it would be a step in the right direction.
When the credits start to roll, I stand up next to him. “Will you come back to the bedroom and start sleeping there?”
I hold my breath, waiting for him to respond, but it’s impossible to miss the way he flinches at my request. I’m about to give in and tell him if he’s not ready for that then it’s okay, but to my surprise, he agrees. “You’re right. I need to be sleeping in our bed.”
I nod and turn away to go to our room. I go about my nightly routine, not wanting to make a big deal out of everything, but the whole time there’s excitement growing inside me, knowing that I’m about to be sleeping next to my husband again.
I take my time, and when I get back into the bedroom, I slide into the covers next to him. And just like I do every other night we’ve ever slept together, I reach for him, but this time he freezes up.
I know I should drop it. I know we’ve made a lot of progress recently, and I need to be patient, but I can’t stop myself from opening my mouth. “Why don’t you want me to touch you anymore, Jeremy? I want to touch you.” My voice shakes, and I worry that he’s going to retreat back to the living room. I’ll beg him to stay if I have to.
“I’m glad you want to touch me, but I’m... I’m just not ready for that. It’s me, not you... never you.”