Then I break down and cry.
I replay our entire relationship in my head while I cry. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions with a flurry of heat that set our evenings on fire. I tried to think about it from his perspective a couple of times, but then I got swept up in my fantasies.
They’re fun. They’re therapeutic in a way. Do I really want to lose Lawson over them? No. Maybe I’m immature sometimes—okay, a lot of times—but I’m mature enough right now to realize that driving back to Cedar Grove at this hour is stupid. I’m mature enough to understand how special it is to find someone like Lawson; sure, I haven’t been looking for a guy like him as long as some people search for true love, but what if this is it?
I can’t throw that away. I have to try to fix it. He said we could talk tomorrow. There’s still a chance. I can be as open about giving him what he needs as he has been with exploring my fantasies. What we’ve shared has been too special for me to drive away and pretend it didn’t happen. He means too much to me.
I pick up my phone to send a response to Lawson and glance up at the intersection in front of me. The light is green. I’m in the clear. It’ll be faster to drive to his apartment than try to text him on the way. I drop my phone into the passenger seat, and as I enter the intersection I see headlights coming at me from the right. Fast. Way too fast.
I look in that direction just in time to hear screeching tires and see the headlights slam into the side of my car. Then I hear metal grinding on metal. The glass around me shatters. My car spins.
Everything goes black.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lawson
I’m a fucking idiot. Goddamn it. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ve been so damn good at bottling things up. I should have done that instead of letting it all out.
Now she’s gone. She’s on her way back to Cedar Grove. It’s late. All I can do is sit here and worry because I’m pretty damn sure she isn’t going to answer my calls or return one of my text messages.
We had such an amazing night. The fantasy in the bedroom wasn’t that bad. I just got overwhelmed when I saw all of those costumes. It was clear that she planned the entire weekend out. No time for Ainsley and Lawson. Just a bunch of damn fantasies. I tried to convince myself it didn’t matte
r if we got to the same place in the end, but then I saw that there was no time for us, and it pushed me over the edge.
Any relationship with this kind of age difference is going to have problems. We got caught up in the moment, and then I got a reality check. Now I’m dealing with another one. Fuck, I should have just gone with it. I should have given it more time. There are only so many fantasies one person can have before there is eventually time for us.
I called her immature. Not directly, but indirectly for sure. She may not be able to forgive me for that, even if she does return my call. I fucked up. We were two souls that found our way to each other because of the twisted path we walked to get there, and I put my needs above hers. I’m the immature one.
My hand trembles as I try to pour myself another drink. It trembles again when I reach for my pack of smokes. I just took a big giant shit on the one person that was able to bring me back from the brink of despair. She saved me. I was a mess before I met her.
I don’t want to be that man again.
“Fuck!” I yell and punch the wall.
I grab my keys and take off to my car. I don’t know if I can catch her, but I’ll drive ninety if I have to. I’ll follow her all the way to Cedar Grove just to get her to listen to me say what I should’ve said. I can’t blow up the only good thing I’ve had in years. She can wear any costume she wants to. I’ll buy her an entire fucking wardrobe if that’s what she wants.
I hit the accelerator as soon as I get my car cranked up. I punch Cedar Grove into my GPS and start driving. I don’t know how the exact way, but all I can do is hope that my GPS will take the same route she did. That we’ll meet up again somewhere along the way.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I stare at the red and blue lights as I approach the intersection at the end of my block.
Just my luck. An accident. Probably some drunk driver. I roll down my window and try to get a better look. It doesn’t look like I’m going to get through this intersection anytime soon. There are firetrucks, ambulances, and police cars. I see a guy in handcuffs who is bleeding from his head and being tended to by paramedics. I glance at the other car and see someone being pulled out of it.
“Oh my god! Ainsley!” I throw my door open and get stopped by a police officer as soon as I get close to her car.
“Sir, please…” He puts his hand on me.
“She’s…” I tremble. Fear runs through me. Pain. Anguish. “She’s my fucking everything, man. Let me through.”
I don’t know if it’s the look in my eyes or the fact that I’m already balling up my fist to level him that makes the police officer let go, but he does. I make it to the stretcher as the paramedics get her loaded on it. She has cuts and abrasions. Her eyes are closed. I can’t tell how bad it is, but it doesn’t look good.
“I’m riding with you.” I grab the door of the ambulance and pull myself up into the back.
I hold her hand as I listen to the paramedics talk. Possible concussion. It might be worse. She’s in this fucking ambulance because of me. I put her here. All I had to do was keep my damn mouth shut, and we would be in my bedroom right now. She’d be wearing one of her costumes, and I’d be enjoying every second of it, even if it wasn’t exactly how I hoped our evening would go. I’d savor a million of her fantasies to have her in my arms right now.
But all I can do is hold her hand.
Ainsley doesn’t wake up on the ride to the hospital. I finally have to let go of her hand so the paramedics can take her away. I relocate to the waiting room, alternating between a cup of coffee and a quick smoke outside while I wait for a doctor to come tell me how she is.