1
LATELY, I'VE BEEN spending a lot of time rolling on the ground with men who think a stiffy represents personal growth. The rolling around has nothing to do with my sex life. The rolling around is what happens when a bust goes crapola and there's a last ditch effort to hog-tie a big, dumb bad guy possessing a congenitally defective frontal lobe.
My name is Stephanie Plum, and I'm in the fugitive apprehension business . . . bond enforcement, to be exact, working for my cousin Vincent Plum. It wouldn't be such a bad job except the direct result of bond enforcement is usually incarceration—and fugitives tend to not like this. Go figure. To encourage fugitive cooperation on the way back to the pokey I usually persuade the guys I capture to wear handcuffs and leg shackles. This works pretty good most of the time. And, if done right, cuts back on the rolling around on the ground stuff.
Unfortunately, today wasn't most of the time. Martin Paulson, weighing in at 297 pounds and standing five feet, eight inches tall, was arrested for credit card fraud and for being a genuinely obnoxious person. He failed to show for his court appearance last week, and this put Martin on my Most Wanted List. Since Martin is not too bright, he hadn't been too hard to find. Martin had, in fact, been at home engaged in what he does best . . . stealing merchandise off the Internet. I'd managed to get Martin into cuffs and leg shackles and into my car. I'd even managed to drive Martin to the police station on North Clinton Avenue. Unfortunately, when I attempted to get Martin out of my car he tipped over and was now rolling around on his belly, trussed up like a Christmas goose, unable to right himself.
We were in the parking lot adjacent to the municipal building. The back door leading to the docket lieutenant was less than fifty feet away. I could call for help, but I'd be the brunt of cop humor for days. I could unlock the cuffs or ankle shackles, but I didn't trust Paulson. He was royally pissed off, red-faced and swearing, making obscene threats and horrifying animal sounds.
I was standing there, watching Paulson struggle, wondering what the hell I was going to do, because anything short of a forklift wasn't going to get Paulson up off the pavement. And just then, Joe Juniak pulled into the lot. Juniak is a former police chief and is now mayor of Trenton. He's a bunch of years older than me and about a foot taller. Juniak's second cousin, Ziggy, is married to my cousin-in-law Gloria Jean. So we're sort of family . . . in a remote way.
The driver's side window slid down, and Juniak grinned at me, cutting his eyes to Paulson. “Is he yours?”
“Yep.”
“He's illegally parked. His ass is over the white line.”
I toed Paulson, causing him to start rocking again. “He's stuck.”
Juniak got out of his car and hauled Paulson up by his armpits. “You don't mind if I embellish this story when I spread it all over town, do you?”
“I do mind! Remember, I voted for you,” I said. “And we're almost related.”
“Not gonna help you, cutie. Cops live for stuff like this.”
“You're not a cop anymore.”
“Once a cop, always a cop.”
Paulson and I watched Juniak get back into his car and drive away.
“I can't walk in these things,” Paulson said, looking down at the shackles. “I'm gonna fall over again. I haven't got a good sense of balance.”
“Have you ever heard the bounty hunter slogan, Bring 'em back—dead or alive?”
“Sure.”
“Don't tempt me.”
Actually, bringing someone back dead is a big no-no, but this seemed like a good time to make an empty threat. It was late afternoon. It was spring. And I wanted to get on with my life. Spending another hour coaxing Paulson to walk across the parking lot wasn't high on my list of favored things to do.
I wanted to be on a beach somewhere with the sun blistering my skin until I looked like a fried pork rind. Okay, truth is at this time of year that might have to be Cancun, and Cancun didn't figure into my budget. Still, the point was, I didn't want to be here in this stupid parking lot with Paulson.
“You probably don't even have a gun,” Paulson said.
“Hey, give me a break. I haven't got all day for this. I have other things to do.”
“Like what?”
“None of your business.”
“Hah! You haven't got anything better to do.”