'You all remember Sally, don't you?' Grandma asked as introduction. 'He's a famous musician, and he's a girl sometimes.
He's got a whole bunch of pretty dresses and high heel shoes and makeup. He's even got one of them black leather bustier things with pointy ice cream cone breasts. You don't even hardly notice his chest hair when he's got that bustier thing on.'
Stephanie Plum 10 - Ten Big Ones
three
Now can he be a girl sometimes?' Mary Alice wanted to know.
Mary Alice is in third grade and is two years younger than her sister, Angle. Mary Alice can ride a bike, play Monopoly if someone helps her read the Chance cards, and can recite the names of all of Santas reindeer. She's in the dark on gender crossing.
'I just dress up like a girl,' Sally said. 'It's part of my onstage persona.'
I'd want to dress up like a horse,' Mary Alice said.
Angie looked at Sally's wrist. Why are you wearing an elastic band?'
`I'm trying to quit cussing,' Sally said. 'Every time I cuss I snap the elastic band. It's supposed to make me not want to cuss anymore.'
'You should just say a different word than the cuss word,' Angie said. 'Something that sounds like the cuss word.'
'I've got it!' Grandma said. 'Fudge. That's what you should say.'
'Fudge,' Sally repeated. 'I don't know... I feel silly saving fudge.'
'What's the red stuff all over Aunt Stephanie?' Mary Alice wanted to know.
'Blood,' Grandma said. 'We were i
n a shoot-out. None of us got hurt, but Stephanie was helping out Eddie Gazarra. He was shot twice, and he had blood spurting all over the place.'
'Eeeuw,' Angie said.
Valerie's live-in boyfriend, Albert Kloughn, was seated next to me. He looked down at my blood-spattered arm and fainted. Crash. Right off his chair.
'He fucking fainted,' Sally said. 'Oh f-f-fudge.' Snap.
I was done with my cake, so I went to the kitchen and tried to clean up. Probably I should have cleaned up before coming to the table but I really needed the cake.
When I got back to the table Albert was sitting in his seat. I'm not squeamish or anything,' he said. 'I just slipped. It was one of those freak accidents.'
Albert Kloughn was about five foot seven, had sandy blond hair showing the beginnings of male pattern baldness, and the chubby face and body of a twelve-year-old. He was a lawyer, of sorts, and he was the father of Valerie's baby. He was a sweet guy, but he felt more like a pet than a future brother-in-law. His office was located next to a laundromat, and he dispensed more quarters than legal advice.
There was a light rap on the front door, the door opened, and
Joe walked in. My mother was immediately running for an extra plate, not sure where she was going to put it. Even with the leaf in, the table could only accommodate eight, and Joe made ten.
'Here,' Kloughn said, jumping to his feet, 'you can have my place. I'm done eating. I don't mind. Honest.'
'Isn't he a cuddle umpkins?' Valerie said.
Grandma hid behind her napkin and made a gagging gesture.
Morelli held his response to a benign smile. My father kept eating.
And it occurred to me that cuddle umpkins fit Kloughn perfectly.
How awful is that?