Look Alive Twenty-Five (Stephanie Plum 25)

“This here’s Surprise Day. It’s my new promotional idea. You order something and then you get a surprise. This guy’s surprise is a turkey sandwich. Give me some of that green stuff.”

“That’s wasabi.”

“No shit. I’m gonna wasabi the heck out of this sandwich.”

“Where’s my ham and cheese?” Stretch yelled. “Where’s my pastrami on rye?”

“Keep your shirt on,” Lula said. “I’m working under harsh circumstances. I can’t find no more turkey.”

“Fries are up,” Raymond said. “Rings are up.”

Stretch took the wasabi turkey from Lula, sliced it in half, and sucked in air.

“Damn,” he said. “I cut off part of my finger.”

I looked over and blood was all over his white chef’s jacket, dripping off his finger onto the cutting board.

“Somebody get a Band-Aid,” Lula said. “This boy needs a Band-Aid.”

Stretch calmly picked something off the cutting board and stuck it to his bloody finger. He wrapped a paper towel around it all, took a Band-Aid from Raymond, secured the towel with the Band-Aid, and held his hand above his head.

“No big deal,” he said. “I’ve done this before.”

“Yes, this happens many times,” Raymond said. “He must go to get his finger stitched back on now.”

Hal was standing next to me. His eyes rolled back into his head, and he crashed to the floor.

“This big man just fell to the floor,” Raymond said.

“He faints when he sees blood,” I said. “He’ll come around.”

“I must return to my fry station,” Raymond said. “I have many orders of onion rings that must be done to perfection.”

“Take Stretch to the emergency room to get stitched up,” I said to Lula. “Hal and I will take over here.”

Everyone looked down at Hal. Lula toed him with her Louboutin knockoffs. Hal opened his eyes and blankly stared at the ceiling.

“What?” Hal said.

“You fainted,” I told him. “Stay down until I get things cleaned up.”

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“Okay,” Hal said. “Don’t tell Ranger.”

Dalia and I scrubbed everything with soap and bleach. I changed out the cutting board. I got Hal to his feet.

“Are you any good at making sandwiches?” I asked him.

“Yeah. I make good sandwiches. The trick is to put the mustard on the meat side and never use lettuce. Lettuce is for sissies.”

I got him dressed up in a hat and apron and handed him a takeout order for six people.

“You do the takeouts, and I’ll do the table orders,” I told Hal.

He looked at the slip of paper. “No problem. I can do this, but there’s no sliced turkey in the container labeled TURKEY.”

“Don’t worry about it. This is Surprise Day. Be creative.”