“I love him too,” I told her.
Liv just stared at me, and I remember thinking, She knows. She knows Perry doesn’t love me. She would scent it, as a Scire. Know it, as his sister.
It was the kind of thought that flew like a sparrow through my mind. There and gone. I didn’t want to trap it and examine it then. Perry and I were happy. We had fun together. And I wanted to believe that fun would lead to better things. Deeper feelings between us.
So I hoped.
It’s strange now to think the four of us lost our virginity on the same night. It’s the sort of thing that would reinforce the Dwellers’ view of us as savages, if they knew. But I wouldn’t have had the courage any other way. I knew Perry would never hurt me. Even if he didn’t love me the way I loved him, he cared for me.
And I wanted to keep us all together, our paths heading in the same direction. My world was perfect when I was with Roar, Liv, and Perry. All I ever wanted was for us to stay the way we were.
“I’m sorry about what happened. ”
Hyde’s voice pulls me from my memories, thankfully. I’m doing a rotten job at moving forward.
“With Liv,” he elaborates. He turns toward me slightly. His legs seem so much longer than mine. Like they go on forever. “I’m sorry for your loss. ”
I guess I was wrong about no one caring how I feel about Liv. “Thanks . . . It feels like I lost her a long time ago, though. ”
“When she left for Rim?”
“Yeah. ” In a way, I’ve been grieving for Liv since she left to marry Sable, the northern Blood Lord she was betrothed to. The day she walked out of the Tide compound, I knew I’d probably never see her again. The difference is that now I’m sure of it.
A lump rises in my throat. I shouldn’t say anything more. But the way Hyde is watching me, like he really wants to know, to listen to me, makes me feel safe.
“We did everything together. Me and Perry and Roar and Liv. The cave? We used to sneak out of the compound and go there, the four of us. Just to get away from the tribe and be alone. ”
“I heard that,” Hyde says.
I stare at him, questions flitting through my mind. What exactly did he hear? From who?
“Reef mentioned something about it once,” he rushes to say.
It’s a poor cover-up. Reef is the last person in the world who would discuss something so trivial. Hyde just doesn’t want me to feel gossiped about, but I don’t really care. People gossip. I’m guilty of it too. But unlike Hyde, I never pass up a good teasing opportunity when I see one.
“Reef was telling stories about the adventures Liv, Perry, Roar, and I had in the cave?”
“Maybe it was Gren or Hayden. ”
“Or Twig or Straggler?”
“Er . . . yeah. ” Hyde grins sheepishly, knowing I’ve caught him. “One of those. ”
He has a softer-looking face than Perry, I notice. His nose and jaw are more sweeping than starkly cut. Kindness rests easily in his eyes.
“It was a long time ago,” I say lightly. Only six months, actually, but I don’t want to look like I’m stuck in the past. “We used to think it was the greatest place. Well, Roar, Liv, and I did. Perry never liked it much. But Liv and I . . . we felt like it was a whole new world that we’d discovered. We used to see it as someplace magical. ” I laugh a little, picturing the dark hovel we just left behind. “I can’t believe we used to think that. ”
Hyde scratches the scruff on his chin. “I can. ”
“You can believe it?”
He lifts his shoulders. “Sure. ”
“No, you can’t. ”
Hyde laughs. “I really can. Isn’t that what magic is? Something you see when you shouldn’t?”
“If that’s your definition of magic, then it’s everywhere. ” I wave at the sky, which shouldn’t be the way it is either. “Even up there. ”