I shook my head and tried not to laugh. My abs were so sore. "I don't think bonus is the right word. Maybe you mean reward."
Kova smiled softly and I didn't like the way my stomach fluttered in response. Even if I wanted him to have me, if I gave myself to him again, I’d still never have him in the way that mattered most. I’d already learned that the hard way.
"You misunderstand. Because of where you are now, the national team, that is the reward. It is what we both wanted. The challenge
was getting you there when the journey seemed so dark and daunting. Almost unattainable."
"It went horribly right."
He nodded. "It did. Were the sacrifices worth it?"
I didn't hesitate and looked into his green eyes that I loved. "You know they were." He smiled because he knew it was the truth. "Even if I only made it this far, it was all worth it. Every insult, every tear, every bruise would remain with me forever like a scar on my heart. They were and continue to be the stepping stones of my future."
Reaching his arm out, the back of Kova's fingers grazed my jaw, but it was his gaze that bore into me that got me. I leaned into his touch automatically, my heart yearning so badly for my coach. When we had these moments, I just wanted to forget all the negative and focus on the positive. His fingers spread out and cupped the side of my face, delving into my hair. His thumb lovingly caressed my cheek.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was never supposed to be like this. And yet, by some unfathomable phenomenon, it was, and I was allowing it despite everything. This wasn't the first time I’d drawn from his strength and words, and I knew in my gut that it wouldn't be the last.
The truth was, I needed Kova.
And something told me he needed me just as much.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I reached down and grabbed the strap of my duffle bag, but Kova stopped me. I glanced over my shoulder at him.
"You know you can lean on me. I am always here for you."
I swallowed. "I know."
"Tonight will be rough. Probably the worst yet to come," Kova said, his voice low. "Let me help you."
I wanted so badly to say yes—my heart was screaming out for him—but I shook my head. Kova was a giver to those he cared deeply about, but I had to learn to not take what he offered.
"Please, Ria." His eyes begged, pleaded.
I diverted my gaze, unable to handle seeing the need inside him. I needed to do this without him, and I needed to show him that he couldn't control everything around him. He wasn't mine anymore. He never had been, and I had to remind myself of that too.
I knew it was killing him by not being able to help me. He was respecting my boundaries, my wants and needs, and I felt the wall I’d erected around my heart chipping away piece by piece. But I didn't want it to chip away. I wanted to keep it strong and tall and whole, but when he was finally seeing me and recognizing what I needed from him, it was hard to keep it upright.
"I need to do this myself. Let me do it." It was something so simple, but I had to do it on my own. "Mind over matter, right?"
I saw him nod from the corner of my eye, and he slowly retreated. Opening the car door, I placed one foot outside and even that was difficult. Exhaling, I reached for the roof of the car and the ledge of the door. My fingers curled as I attempted to rise from the seat. I held my breath, then stepped out of the car and threw my bag over my shoulder. I winced. My entire body was as stiff as steel and tight as a noose. This was going to be loads of fun.
I pulled deep from within and said, "I'll see you at practice." I slammed the door and took a step, then heard the window roll down.
"Adrianna." I turned around. "Take a day or two off. You do not know what you are in for."
I shook my head. Aching and slow, I walked toward the entrance, taking baby steps. I felt like I’d been beat to a pulp and just released from the hospital.
When I reached the sliding doors I looked over my shoulder. Kova had reversed and was waiting for me to safely step inside before he left. His tinted window was rolled halfway up and his gaze was fixated on me. Sadness clouded his features and it left me secretly craving for him to be his brutish self and come upstairs anyway
I often wondered what crossed his mind when our eyes met. What he was thinking. Today, I didn't question it. Today, I saw my reflection blink back at me…and it was startling. We were both hurting, both not able to console the other the way our hearts desired.
The only thing that stood between me and Kova was reality and society.
Oh, and a marriage.
Once I was inside my condo, I showered, cleaned, and dressed, then dug through my drawers and found some compression clothing I’d never used before. The theory behind the clothing seemed a little far-fetched to me, but I gave it a shot and hoped the increased blood flow would help speed up the recovering process to my calf. I didn't have anything to lose at this point as I pulled the sleeve up and around my lower leg.
The one good thing I could say about World Cup was that Kova and Madeline were cautious when it came to injuries. While I’d been scolded countless times to push through the pain by both, I had never been forced to train on a severe injury and pretend like it wasn't real. I wasn't starved or ridiculed over my body. Every one of us trained with injuries—it came with the territory—but at camp I saw something entirely different, and it made me realize just how good I had it at World Cup and I hadn’t even known it. At camp, tears were a common occurrence, and some gymnasts walked with a limp, sports tape, or braces at every joint, all while being reprimanded for their insolent limitation of their bodies. It was the definition of mindfuckery. Between the perilous coaching and lack of nourishment, I wouldn't be surprised if one of us ended up paralyzed or injured so severely we'd be forced to retire due to the way things were carried out there.