"So I'm not sure if you know, but Xavier's into fighting. Like MMA shit, but it's underground. He's good at it too, undefeated…or at least he was." Her voice trailed off like she was saddened by the memory. "Xavier said I was his lucky charm and he had me in his corner at every fight. He didn't lose a match, until we stopped being together. He hasn't won since."
"I had a feeling he was into something reckless, but I didn't know it was that." I thought back to one of the times I went home and he had some cuts and bruises on his face and how he had played it off. I just assumed he was being an idiot with his friends and left it alone. "How cliché of him. Rich punk into underground fighting." I rolled my eyes.
"He makes money, girl. Good money. Well, he did."
I shook my head, puzzled. "Why, though? He doesn't need it."
She shrugged one shoulder. "Because he's good at it and can. Why does anyone do stupid things like that? It was a rush to watch him, and he'd tell me that's what it was like for him too when he was fighting. He was high all the time, so I'm sure the adrenaline and coke were making him feel twenty feet tall."
"He was doing cocaine?" I asked, my voice low, as if someone might hear me. Cocaine and fighting couldn’t be a good combination on the heart. Dread began to cultivate in my stomach like black smoke and I started to fear the worst possible scenario.
"Oh, he was doing more than that. Coke, Ex, Oxy, Vicodin, Xanax, anything he could get his hands on, however he could take it, he did. Snorting, shooting, chewing pills, he did it all. He'd get so high he didn't want to come down, so he’d move on to something stronger."
I was going to be sick. Instant worry for my dumb ass brother and his recklessness struck me when something else dawned on me. I lifted my head up and turned toward Avery.
"You were doing drugs with him, weren't you?"
She looked away. Embarrassment flushed her cheeks and she nodded.
My lips turned downward. "Ave, is he still doing this?"
"To an extent, yes." She struggled to admit. "It's one of the reasons I walked away. Every minute of every day, he was high and gearing up for a fight."
I frowned. I couldn't believe I didn't see any of this. "I'm so confused."
"We broke up and got back together so many times. Like we weren't together, but we were. When I walked away the last time, he said he was done playing with me. I was hurt and thought he was lying, but I said fine by me and gave him the finger. When he talked shit to me, I gave it back ten times harder. Xavier shut me out, and man, is he good at it. But that's what we did, you know? We fought then apologized and then went back to being how we were. I figured that's what would happen, but then we didn't talk for over a month until I saw him again."
"What did he say when he found out you were pregnant?"
"He was not what I expected at all. I thought he was going to flip the fuck out, but he was oddly excited about it."
My brows shot up. "What? That doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah, I know. It was weird. He was beaming like a fool and touching my stomach any chance he got. Here I was crying and panicking inside because, hello, I was only seventeen and pregnant. Teen Mom, here I come. But Xavier was jumping up and down and kissing me and hugging me nonstop. I'd never seen him so happy, Aid. I remember this feeling of relief, like okay, one down, ten more to go and then everything would be okay. My love for him developed into something more during that time. I also remember thinking we would actually get to be family like we always talked about."
I shook my head, unsure what to feel anymore. Xavier's reaction about the pregnancy was odd and it messed with my mind. They both were so young and shouldn't want a baby, yet he did.
"That doesn't make any sense," I told her. "He wasn't thinking clearly. No one wants a baby at that age. It had to be the drugs. Had to be." I paused, deciding to tell her what I was thinking. "Unless he really loved you…?"
Her shoulders dropped. "I don't know anymore. Honestly. I think maybe he did love me and we both didn't know it, but he sure as shit doesn't now. Not after what I did," she said, her voice cracking a little. "All I could think about was your ratchet mother—well, Joy—and how my parents were going to react to the news. Telling Xavier made my hands shake and my heart pound. Our parents? My stomach cramped and I was a sweaty mess. I mean, I'm in high school. I can't have a baby. But I was. I was gonna have a kid."
I rested my head back against the wood and put myself in her shoes. I couldn't imagine having a child at our age, let alone going through such heavy emotions with no one to lean on. We both had dealt with situations where we’d needed each other's support during a critical time, and we hadn't had it. I had to deal with the fact that Joy wasn't my mom, Kova secretly got married, and a stupid sickness was wearing me down. Meanwhile, my bestie was pregnant by my brother and had an abortion—only she hadn’t.
God, I wished we both had had the strength to talk to each other. I couldn’t help but wonder if we'd had each other to lean on if she would be here holding a baby now. But the past is the past and now that we were talking it through, I was going to make sure this never happened again. I couldn't reverse time, but I could try and prevent the same mistake from happening twice.
I lowered my eyes, regret spilling through me. I was the definition of a shit friend. Absorbed in gymnastics and Kova, Avery had to deal with this on her own. I'd make it up to her, though. Somehow, some way, I would.
"Keep going," I said softly. I knew there was more.
Avery took a sip of her lemonade. "I wasn't worried about needing financial support. I knew eventually our families would come together and our child wouldn't want for anything, but I was scared. God, I was so scared, and I had to tell our parents. I had to tell you. That was the worst part. I was more afraid to tell you than our parents. I didn't want you to hate me or to never talk to me again. I went back and forth about how to say something, but I could never find the courage to. I didn't want to lose you and I was so scared I would." Her voice shook. Avery pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "Not only was I hooking up with my best friend’s brother, I gotten knocked up by him too." Avery burst into tears, and I knew why. She did lose me for a little while.
And it was my fault.
Forty-Four
I reached over and took her glass and placed it on my nightstand, along with mine, then I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a hug.
She hugged me back and cried softly while my heart broke for her and us. I couldn't imagine having to tell her something like that, and it made sense now why she hadn't. Opening up to her about Kova was a hard pill to swallow. But if I had to tell her I'd gotten pregnant by one of her brothers, I don't think it would've gone over well either. I probably would've done the same thing she had.