"They say opposites attract," I offer, and she nods, though the sad smile doesn't fill her face. I’m not sure why I even said that. I guess to ease Natalie's worry, but maybe more so to feel a little better about myself.
* * *
"Grammy, I don't like the way you're looking. You're really pale," I say, studying her face. "You're basically translucent."
"Sweetie, I don't leave the house
when it gets cold out," she responds, trying to make me believe her, but something is up, I can feel it in my gut. Unless it's the guilt still eating away at me, which it could definitely be. "Of course I'm going to look like a ghost."
"All right, well, eat that lunch while I unpack the car."
After taking the train and bus to her house, I borrowed Grammy's car to go stock up on the snowstorm essentials I knew she wouldn't have. She always assumes the storms won't be bad, but I don't like for her to risk it, especially at her age. Luckily I went when I did. It was slim pickings, but I got precut wood for her fireplace in case the electricity goes out, water, a loaf of bread, and a few cabinet staples. I even set up a company to come shovel the driveway and around her car.
"How is school going?" she asks once I put everything away.
"It's going. Only a couple of months left until I'm free like a bird and can take on the world."
She's petting her cat lovingly, her voice soft as she speaks. "I'm counting down the days I get to see you get that diploma you worked so hard for." Her chin quivers and my smile slips.
Whenever there's a milestone in my life, she gets emotional wishing my parents were here. I lift my hand, my fingers grazing over my mother's necklace I remove only when I go on a job.
"Have you figured out what you want to do with it yet?"
"Does anyone know what they want to do with their life?" I say, and Grammy just smiles. "I'm thinking I might move back in with you."
It's more of a joke. I don't need to move back in with her with the money I have now, but I would if she needed me.
"You know you can always come back here until you find the right job. I don't want you to do something that doesn't make you happy just to do it. Life is short, but it's a long one too. You should do what you love. This will always be your home and I would never turn you away."
Exhaling a heavy sigh, I tell her what's on my mind. "I don't know what to do, Grams. I feel like I suddenly have to make this big choice and I don't know which door I should open. Do I do what my heart is telling me to, or do I use my head and make the choice that's smarter? Take the path that will set me up with a good job and one I can supposedly be proud of that will make me money? I feel like I have one chance and I don't want to mess up."
I tell Grammy about my idea for the nonprofit I want to open up for women and children. She seems to love it and makes small talk about the times we volunteered over the years and how it inspired me without realizing it. Grammy starts coughing and reaches over the table and plucks a tissue to cover her mouth. The cough strengthens, like it's deep in her lungs. The sounds she's making worries me and I rush to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.
"Are you okay?" I ask once her coughing subsides. She sips the water slowly and I look at her with concern.
She points to her throat. "My babies shed so bad. I think a piece of cat hair tickled my throat. Every once in a while that happens and it sounds like I'm hacking up a lung. Thank you for the water."
I grimace, my mouth twisted up.
"Cat hair doesn't cause a wet cough, though, or for you to cough as long as you did."
She glares at me. "Are you suddenly a doctor?"
I flatten my lips. "No."
"A vet?"
I don't answer her.
"Then leave it be. I had a tickle in my throat. That's all."
I bite the side of my lip. "I can't help that I worry about you."
"It's not your job to worry about me. Now listen," she says, petting the cat in her lap a little too aggressively now. "Do titles mean anything to you?"
My head angles to the side. "What do you mean?"
"For instance, is it important for you to be able to say that you're a CEO, or a doctor, or a director of some company?"