Eleven
My lips part.
I'm speechless. I don't blink. I don't breathe.
James doesn't just ask me to marry him hoping for a positive answer in return. He asks me like it’s the right thing to do.
All I can do is stare at him in total silence as my heart viciously pounds into my ribs. I'm not all that shocked he'd go there after I told him how I feel about marriage; persistence is James's other middle name. I'm more shocked by how much I want to agree with him.
The truth is, I know it's the right thing… I just can’t do it.
"Marry me, sweetheart," James says again, though he's not as sure this time. There's a deflated tone to his words that kills me. "Say yes."
His arms tighten around me and I find myself leaning into him. I take a deep breath. I want to give him what he wants, but I'm scared. The loss would be too great to endure.
Dating my best friend's dad is one thing. Marrying him is another. I almost lost both Natalie and James as a result of us dating. Granted, it was behind Natalie's back at the time and the furthest thing from a normal relationship by any means. Still, it took Natalie over two years to finally agree to James and I being together. I have a hard time believing she'd accept marriage without issue.
Just like I don't want to risk losing James over a stupid piece of paper, I don't want to lose my best friend either. Being her stepmom is out of the question and just seems so wrong. It would drive a wedge right between us.
James's arms loosen and my heart begins to fall as he pulls away. I glance up and take in the shadows moving through his eyes as his body stiffens defensively against mine.
He's watching me, waiting patiently for a sound response. I don't give him one. I can't even tell him no.
"What's the real reason?" James doesn't bother hiding the pain in his question. "Can you at least give me that?"
Tears fill my eyes and my jaw bobs. I wish he’d never asked me to marry him.
His arms unravel around me completely. The air leaves my lungs in a slow withdrawal as he let’s go. My life, everything I love, suddenly feels gone to me.
James takes a step to the side and puts a small amount of space between us.
"James." I pant, winded as panic sets in.
My stomach drops.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm losing him.
My eyes search his. He's quiet as he moves to the side again, detaching from the concept of us. I can feel it in my bones, in my heart of hearts, and it scares me what might come next. What he could say or ultimately do. That's not what I want for us, or for him to experience.
"James, please."
I reach for him and place my hand on his forearm. He waits, looking at me expectantly. I need him to know… I don't know what I need him to know other than I love him, and that I need him to not hate me, that this doesn't have to be a deal breaker for us.
"You know you're it for me, right? That I love you? That nothing will weaken how I feel?"
There's a slight drop in his shoulders. James doesn't respond. He doesn't move. He stands still like it's both a serious struggle for me to be touching him and for him to be in front of me. I think that's harder for me to handle more than anything. Light begins to fade from his eyes. I wait, listening to the ocean softly lap against our bungalow, and wonder how we got to this point.
"Right?" I say, my chin wobbling. "You know I love you more than life."
Gently, he pulls his arm away so I'm not touching him anymore. His body is partially turned away from me now, and that just makes it worse.
"James?"
I don't know what I'm asking for. I don't think he does either. What I want is for him to see that I love him, that we aren't going anywhere, and that nothing needs to change, but he doesn't. He’s purposely not looking at me, and I can't stomach it. His avoidance could mean so many things.
My heart is breaking by the second. But so is his. I thought we were stronger than this.