“She’s not one for New Year’s excitement.”
“You should come over.” To anyone else, this would be a casual thing. For Wade six months ago, this would be a casual thing. But everything changed before you even died, Theo. “Don’t turn me down. We have food and bad music and we’re going to watch the ball drop. You shouldn’t have to do that alone. We can talk if you want to talk, or we can shut up tonight and talk later and—”
“You should definitely shut up now,” Wade interrupts, and softly adds, “We can talk when I get there.”
“Get here before the ball drops, please.”
Recap: I called Wade to say goodbye and now he’s on his way. There is one hour left in 2016, and this is the first time all day I’m actually feeling the high of possibilities and rebirth. And I didn’t lie to make it happen.
I run and tell my parents Wade is coming over. They don’t get why I’m so excited, but they’re pretty damn happy to see I am. I rush back into my bedroom, cleaning clothes off the floor, making my bed, throwing my boots and coat in the closet, and doing other little things until the doorbell rings twenty minutes later.
I rush to greet Wade myself, opening the door to find him with a neutral face and panting. His lungs must be burning, and my hugging the hell out of him in the hallway can’t be helping much either.
He catches up with my parents for a bit, but time is running out before the ball drops. I pull him away, dragging him into my bedroom and leaving the door open so he doesn’t think I’m trying to use him for sex, and so my parents don’t confuse the situation either.
It’s been a long time since he’s been here. Wade looks around, taking in every wall, every piece of furniture. There have been some changes, the biggest one being himself, whether he realizes that or not. You would probably say it’s safe to assume he knows it, right? My persistence the past few days and tonight for us only to be friends would be really unfair, considering I know how he feels about me.
“Thanks for coming over.”
“Thanks for the invite,” Wade says, sitting on the windowsill.
I shake my head and reach out to him. “Come sit with me.” Wade takes my hand and we sit closely, my knee against his thigh. “I should jump right in before it hits midnight. I don’t want you starting off your new year wondering if I’m worth hanging around for or not.” I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry my love for Theo has been a roadblock for you. It’s been a huge one for me, too. But you should know the day Theo died I called him because I wanted to talk about you. I couldn’t reach him, so I left a voice mail, which apparently put him in a mood that sent him walking into the ocean . . . I killed the person I’ve loved more than anyone because I was trying to tell him about my new feelings for our best friend . . .”
Wade doesn’t wait until I’m finished before he hugs me, massaging my back. “There’s no way this is your fault. There are one hundred things that could’ve gone wrong. Damn, dude, I didn’t know you were carrying around this guilt.” He pulls back. “I messed up, too. I knew you weren’t actually trying to have some relationship with Jackson, but I got jealous anyway. It’s not fun being the loser. I’ve spent the past couple of nights feeling like an idiot about our whole situation. If we never had sex, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now trying to figure out if we’re going to be in each other’s lives next year.”
This is true. “I want to give us a shot, I swear. But I can’t rush this or we’ll get it wrong. You have to understand though that I’m still carrying Theo around with me, and I’m sure you are too. But it’s different for me. I know you’re not Theo, and I don’t want you to be.”
I promise going forward I will never demote the love I have for anyone. I’m growing to hate the word love because it always sounds lame, but love shouldn’t only count when there’s a victory. Love was never the liar; I was.
“Do you trust me?” I ask.
“I guess.” Wade kisses me on the forehead, which sends one of those cold shivers across my shoulders and down my spine. “Do you believe I want to be something more to you?”
“I guess.” I kiss his cheek.
My mom calls for us; the countdown is about to start. We rush into the living room and put on stupid party hats and wear plastic whistles around our necks. My dad pours us cider in plastic flute glasses. I really wish you were here, not romantically, but to reunite the squad, back in full force like when we were younger, before everything got complicated. But that’s okay. I’m going to try and have fewer regrets in the New Year. I’m going to move past what’s already done and make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes moving forward.
Ten. Nine . . .
Wade turns to me, smiling like his life has already been rebooted.
Eight. Seven . . .
I throw back my cider and put down the glass.
Six. Five . . .
Wade does the same, knowing he’s about to need his hands, too.
Four. Three . . .
I’m getting ready to reintroduce him to the world.
Two. One . . .
My heart is out of control, but I’m not as I pull Wade to me, kissing him with the force of everything happy. A lot of that unexpected happiness is thanks to him. Once my parents pull apart from their own kiss, they’ll be expecting to embrace me, and they’ll find me in arms they were never betting on finding me in. I stay in Wade’s arms because “Auld Lang Syne” comes on, and, damn it, Theo, last year was so impossible and trying, I don’t know how I got out of it alive. But I know how I’ll be surviving this year.
And I still know the hardest part of my survival is ahead of me.