“Yeah, I did.” I know he’s uncomfortable with this conversation.
“She had said to me on more than one occasion that, if I wanted to test the waters, she would be my guinea pig.”
“Of course, she did.” Now I’ve really heard it all. “Wow.”
“The thing is, I didn’t care if I fucked it up with her because my feelings for her are platonic.” He kisses me. “But I was in love with you, and I know you don’t understand this, but I couldn’t risk hurting you by sleeping with you and not liking it. At the time, a female body was so foreign to me. I had no idea what was going to happen.”
“Is it still foreign to you?” I whisper.
“Now I can’t imagine anything else. It’s like you woke me up inside.” His eyes search mine. “I can’t imagine not having sex with you. It’s the most natural love I’ve ever felt.” I smile softly as he kisses me again, and he brushes the hair back from my face.
How is he talking himself out of this? I sigh, frustrated with my forgiving, wimpy ass.
“So… when you found the porn on my computer. I had been watching it non-stop, and watching tutorials on giving women orgasms. ”
I frown. “What?”
“I was terrified that I was going to be a dud in bed for you.”
“Nathan.” My mouth falls open in shock. “Are you serious?”
“Deadly. I had told Stephanie on the Friday before we went to my parents that I was going to tell you everything, and she was calling me to see how it went. But you found the porn on my computer before I spoke to you, and I panicked and I lied. I told you that I liked another woman.”
“Stephanie,” I reply flatly. “You told me you liked Stephanie.”
“And you were jealous.” He smiles as he pokes me in the ribs. I twist my lips. “Maybe a little.”
“Anyway, the next week I was well on my way to insanity. I was watching porn all night, every night at my house, unable to touch you. We were fighting, and I was watching these tutorials on the female body that had me so fucking horny.” I stare at him, deadpan. Do I really want to hear this? “Careful,” I warn.
He bites his bottom lip to hide his smile. “In a moment of weakness, I decided I was going to a strip club to jerk off to a woman. To test the waters, so to speak.”
I inhale deeply with a roll of my eyes.
“They offered me a pick-me-up.”
“Cocaine?”
“I snorted so much of that fucking shit it was a joke.” He pauses. “I was seriously good to go. Like, nearly out of control. I knew I couldn’t go home to you like that, and I didn’t want to be with a prostitute.”
“You called Stephanie.”
“Yes.”
“What did you say?”
“It doesn’t matter what I said.”
“I need to know.”
He stares at me as if doing an internal risk assessment on how much to actually tell me.
“All of it,” I snap. “I want to hear it all.”
“No.”
“I mean, if you want me to forget this, Nathan, so we can move on, you need to just spit it out.”
“I said something along the lines of that I had a hard cock that needed to be taken care of,” he blurts out in a rush.