“Yes thanks,” I answer. Josh takes a sip and his eyes bore into me as he leans back in his chair. He’s pulling a power stance. Give me a break.
“Why would you have a google alert on me?” He tilts his head to the side while he runs the side of his forefinger back and forward over his lip. He’s thinking. I’ve already worked out this mannerism.
“You know why,” I answer, slightly embarrassed. Obviously because I don’t have one cool bone in my body.
“Josh, I’ve told you my feelings haven’t changed. Of course I want to know what you are doing.”
“And what have you found out?” His smugness is starting to piss me off.
I shrug my shoulders, “Lots of things.” I take a sip of my wine and look around the room.
“Like what?” he snaps.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I do wide eyes at him.
“Are you looking for a fight tonight?” His arrogance is seriously pissing me off and I raise my eyebrows at him. He has the audacity to smile and bite his lip.
“It turns me on when you get angry you know.” He sips his wine as he narrows his eyes at me.
I smirk, unable to hold it in. “No, I just wonder why you can’t be seen with me. But you’re more than happy to be seen with every other woman in the United States of America.”
He rolls his eyes. “You can’t be serious. Did you ask me to take you out for dinner so you can fight with me about my past?.” He takes another sip of his wine, his eyes not leaving mine.
“That depends Josh, is it your past or your future?”
His eyes burn into me. “Both,” he replies.
I nod, unable to speak. I didn’t expect that answer. I look down at the table and rearrange my knife and fork. Seriously, what am I doing here? I should rip off this bandaid before I get an infection. Maybe I should start with the antibiotics now before it turns septic. He must be able to sense he’s hurt my feelings.
“Hey, look at me,” he whispers. I drag my eyes to him.
“Natasha, you know we can’t be like we were. Why are you bringing this up now?” I shrug, too afraid to speak in case I burst into tears. What’s wrong with me? Talk about how to lose a guy in ten days, try ten hours. Good one Natasha, you fuckwit.
I shake my head. “I’m sorry Josh I just feel…off centre. I didn’t know this was going to happen.” He smiles and nods as if he understands. “Josh, I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever got another chance with you I would never keep another
secret from you again. So I need to tell you that I can’t imagine being with someone else…ever.” He stays silent and still, unsure what to say. “Tell me, how have you done it?” He frowns. “How have you moved on? Tell me how to move on Josh. I don’t know how.”
“That’s laughable,” he whispers as he leans into the table. “You’re the one that has had two serious boyfriends.”
I frown. “And why do you think I broke up with those boys, Josh?”
He shrugs. “Boredom I suspect, the poor bastards.”
“I broke up with them, Josh, because I compare everyone to you, and unfortunately no one comes close.” He takes another sip of his wine and goes back to his thinking pose, pointer over his lip. Face serious. “No other man gets me crazy like you Josh… I can’t explain it.” I give him a sad smile, “Let’s just say it’s been a lot harder on me than it has on you.” There, I said it out loud, no more secrets. He leans forward, narrows his eyes and clenches his hands into fists. Contempt dripping from his every pore.
“If you think this has been easy on me, you have no fucking idea what you are talking about, Natasha. The reason I sleep with so many women is to try and find someone that even rouses a smidgeon of the feelings that I feel when I’m with you, although they always fall short.” My heart swells and I smile.
“What do you feel when you’re with me?”
“Like I never want to leave. Like the sex I’ve had since isn’t even in the same book, let alone on the same page.”
“What sex do you have with other girls, Josh?” I close my eyes. I’m not really sure I want to know the answer. How in the hell did we get onto this topic?
“Empty sex,” he sighs.
“What sex do we have Josh, you and me?” I gesture at the air between us. He stays silent as he assesses my question. After two full moments of silence he sighs as he rests his chin on his hand. “The best sex of my life, I never want it to end. It’s ridiculous I know.”
I smile a victorious smile as our eyes lock. “I feel the same Josh. It doesn’t have to end. Why can’t we just spend the next couple of months together?” I grab his hand and give it a pleading squeeze.