He looked away for a long time, shadows playing on his face as he struggled with a decision.
“Okay,” he whispered. “You will understand, I know. You love Milan, after all, and you have shared a lover in the past.”
“Tell me.” Lydia’s heart thundered. What dark secret lay behind this tightly-buttoned man’s façade?
“It was when I was in the Navy, doing my national service. I had a girlfriend at home, Petra. A fellow musician—she is in the Berlin Phil now.”
“Wow.”
Von Ritter smiled weakly. “Yes, she was very talented.”
“And you cheated on her while you were in the Navy. You had a girl in another port?”
There was a pause.
“No,” he said. “There was a boy, on board ship.”
Lydia inhaled sharply.
“Oh my God, Karl-Heinz, I had no idea! No idea at all. You’re bisexual.”
“I suppose I am, yes.” Karl-Heinz smiled tightly, but his eyes were troubled.
“Did you know? Or did it come as a shock to you?”
“Well, this is crazy, but as a boy I was really quite homophobic. I realise now that my stupid prejudice was sublimated fear about my own sexuality. It took meeting Hans and falling for him to understand myself.”
“Gosh. What a turbulent time for you.”
“Yes. It was. And, of course, there was the interest in S&M too. I was rather ashamed and horrified by myself, I have to say.”
“That’s so sad.” Lydia took his hand and massaged his knuckles tenderly.
“For a boy of eighteen, it was all very confusing.”
“Did they find out about each other?”
“No. Petra thought I was straight. Hans thought I was gay. I kept the truth to myself.”
“So…what happened in the end? You broke up with both of them?”
“Petra met someone else at music school in Berlin. She broke up with me. I finished my National Service and went to study in Munich. Hans wanted to come with me, but I wasn’t ready to live in an openly gay relationship. I was too scared and my family would not have accepted it. It was just too hard. I told him we had no future.”
“Poor Hans. Was he heartbroken?”
To her horror, Karl-Heinz’s eyes filled with tears. He nodded, unable to speak.
“Oh, darling.” She knelt up and put her arms around him.
He rested his head on her shoulder, tears splashing onto her skin.
“I got a letter from his family,” gasped Karl-Heinz, holding her tighter than ever. “A few weeks later. He had been found in the harbour at Kiel. Drowned.”
“Oh God, no. Was it…?”
“The inquest ruled accidental death. He was very drunk.”
“That’s so…”