“Bye!”
Lydia was gone.
“So, er, the market?”
Vanessa turned to Ben. She tried her hardest to replace his anxious, beloved face with the one she’d seen that night, the one that had lost faith in her and believed she could cheat on him. But she couldn’t do it.
“Oh, go on, then. But you’re buying the Glühwein.”
“I think I owe you that much.”
The city streets were lined with stalls, lit up with strings of coloured fairy lights now that dusk had fallen in earnest. Some sold wooden toys, some sold huge looped sausages, some sold sweet spicy Lebkuchen or traditional German crafts. The bitterness of the cold was taken off by the lit braziers all around on which delicious snacks were cooked.
“It’s pretty but it’s freezing,” said Vanessa with a shivery laugh as Ben handed her the paper cup of warm mulled wine. “To think that Lon
don was mild and sunny when we left yesterday.”
“Well, this is Central Europe. Fierce winters, scorching summers. But it all looks gorgeous.” He paused and Vanessa felt a flutter in her stomach. “Like you,” he said.
“Fierce? Scorching?” She sipped at her drink, challenging him with her eyes.
“Well, yes. All of the above. Listen ?”
“Ben. I don’t want to be friends.”
He looked down into the spicy red depths of the liquid for a silent moment. “I can understand…I was a fool, rushing off like that instead of stopping to talk to you…but it was… I was… I felt like I was being torn in two and I…”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“The moment I stopped to think about it,” he said, finding his voice, and a passionate one at that, “I knew I was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t have believed it, even for the split second I did. Ness, I was barely through the door before I realised what I’d done. I almost came back, but he was there and then the police showed up and…”
“It was a mess, Ben. My mess. Not yours.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. It is my mess. I want it to be. If that’s what you want.” She tried not to meet his side-of-the-eye glance, knowing it would pierce her heart.
“It was too much to ask of you. Too much baggage for young shoulders like yours.”
“Shut up! If you’d let me shoulder some of it, instead of trying to cope alone… Ness, I just wanted to be there for you, and you didn’t let me. I’m not some stupid kid who runs away at the first sign of grown-up responsibility, and if that’s what you really think of me, then ?”
“It’s not. It’s not what I think of you,” insisted Vanessa. “I’m sorry. I should have been honest with you from the start. But what we had—it was so lovely, a little oasis of loveliness after a desert of shittiness in my relationships… I was terrified of spoiling it.”
“I didn’t mean to shout at you. Don’t cry.”
“It’s just…you were there with your free and easy spirit and none of these awful shadows in your past, and there I was, with twenty-plus years of abusive or unavailable men in my backstory… It wasn’t that I thought it would scare you off. Well, maybe it was, a bit. But I just wanted to keep everything perfect, the way it was. Fucking Dafydd. The fucker. He’s still fucking me up even now.”
She put down her paper cup, powerless to resist the sanctuary offered by Ben’s arms.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “You deserve better.”
“Don’t be stupid, Ness. There’s nothing better, not for me. And as for Dafydd, fuck him. He’s gone. He’s out of the picture. If you let him ruin the rest of your life, I’ll find him and kill him, I promise.”
She blinked back the tears, staring up at him. He’d sounded as if he’d meant that.
“Perhaps I’m too old for second chances,” she whispered.
“What? You could live another sixty years. You’ll be too old for second chances some time after you get your telegram from the Queen. Or King, I suppose it’d be. Or perhaps another Queen. Oh, who knows? The point is, you’re not too old for anything. I might be a thoughtless young whippersnapper who knows nothing about life but I know that much.”
“I’m too old for a Young Person’s Railcard.” She managed a watery smile.