I leaned back, pulling in a long breath. “It’s not like it matters, anyway. Perry made it very clear that it wasn’t going to happen again, and that he didn’t want to keep up the fake relationship any longer.”
“Rock, Rock, Rock,” he said, his expression finally shifting. He got serious, setting his glass down on the bartop. “You… you realize that if you kept doing the fake relationship, you were going to break that man’s heart, right?”
“What are you talking about?”
Red nodded, narrowing his eyes at me. “So you’ve sucked cock now, but you’re still completely clueless.”
“Rude,” I said. “What do you mean?”
“If things got that intimate between the two of you, it probably means he’s attracted to you. Which is exactly why he wants to cut off contact as soon as he can.”
“He isn’t attracted to me,” I said quickly.
“How the hell do you know that?”
“I just know, Red.”
“I don’t think you do, actually.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Perry literally told me this morning that he’s going to start dating again,” I said. “He wants other guys. Gay guys, I’d assume. He doesn’t have interest in me.”
Rock gave me a dubious look, but he continued. “Anyway, that’s definitely why he wanted to cut off the fake relationship as soon as possible.”
“I know, I know,” I said. “It’s just so… sad. To have all of that closeness, and then toss it in the trash.”
“It would be sadder for him if he didn’t do that.”
“Explain,” I said.
Red looked down at the bartop. “You have no idea what it’s like to fall for a straight guy,” he said softly. “It’s so fun at first, especially if the guy likes the attention. But then it always leads to heartbreak, Rock.”
“Whoa, whoa,” I said. “Believe me, Perry wanted to do everything we did.”
“Oh, of course,” Red said. “But doing it once to have fun is different from continuing to do something you know will hurt.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, realizing that Red probably was right. Perry had acted a little distant after that night, but I’d chalked it up to nerves. I’d thought he didn’t want to freak me out, knowing I was straight. I had made all of the moves when it came to cuddling in bed every night. I’d been to the one to initiate all of the kisses.
But maybe it wasn’t for me. Maybe Red was right, and Perry was protecting himself by distancing himself from me.
“Shit,” I said softly.
“Yeah,” Red said.
“So I need to give him space?” I asked.
“Probably. If you don’t want to make this too painful for him.”
“He’s already going through so much, with his family….”
“Right.”
Earlier, it had felt like my heart was right out in the open, vulnerable and ready to be squashed. But as Red spoke to me now, it was like I was slowly gaining armor.
I could do this. I could numb myself to things. Get a protective shell over my heart, to make sure that I didn’t make anything more difficult for Perry.
After all, what I wanted most was for him to be happy. It was going to suck for me. But if he wanted to date someone who had their life and sexuality all figured out, he deserved that. He didn’t deserve someone wading around aimlessly in deep water like me, completely lost.
I downed the rest of my cocktail, nodding. “Okay. I can get over myself if it means it’ll help Perry.”
“And that’s why you’re awesome,” Red said.
“I don’t know about that. I feel so dumb. I should have put two and two together sooner.”
Red smiled softly. “It’s okay. Straight guys can be thick like that.”
Something about being called straight so many times made me feel strange inside. It was true, of course—or at least, it always had been true, until now.
But I’d loved every moment with Perry. This whole week, and even before the reunion. The kisses, the touches, the cock sucking, of course.
The smaller things, too, though. Actually, I may have liked the smaller things most of all. Knowing that I had someone warming up the other edge of the bed at night. Knowing I was going to wake up to someone by my side. Having someone to talk to about little weird things, like how nice the light looked in the courtyard, or how strangely beautiful Cursehound’s skull necklace was.
It was fun being with Perry. It felt more like a real relationship than any other one I’d been in.
But Red was right. Perry needed time to decompress. And I had to respect that.
My phone buzzed later that night while I was in bed, trying and failing to fall asleep. I fumbled for it in the dark, blinking at the screen.
>>Perry: Are you up?
My heart skipped a beat.
Christ. How could I call myself straight, if my heart did a fucking backflip just from seeing Perry’s name on my phone screen?