My gaze raked over her, but the only skin I could see was her face and neck, her hands. “Did someone touch you? Professor Arm Patch?”
“No!” she said, her voice finally full of life. It was anger, but it was something.
I took a deep breath, let it out. “Someone hurt you in England, and you’re going to take a job over there?”
The idea of her going back overseas made me want to rip the fucking door off and pull her into my arms to let her feel how it could be when we were in the same room. When she was pressed against me, she could hear my heart beating out of control.
“It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me.”
I watched as her grip tightened on the doorknob as if it were the only thing keeping her from coming to me. “No. You need to go. Thank you for… being there for me. I won’t bother you anymore.”
“Bother me? You think you’re bothering me?” I groaned, ran a hand through my hair, then stepped toward her.
She pointed to the hallway. “Go.”
Her control was slipping. I could see it. Somehow, I knew every little nuance of her, even when she was putting up a fucking brick wall. With razor wire across the top.
“Fine. I’m going, but this isn’t over.”
I stepped into the hallway, trying to think of something to say to get her to open up, to tell me what the hell was going on. She finally lifted her eyes to mine. There, I saw hurt. Desperation. Need. Longing.
It was in her eyes and in my heart. I’d opened up to her, to someone, and she was pulling this shit. Fuck no. She was the first person who I’d connected with, who I cared about, and she was shutting me out? I wanted this to work. Needed it to because I needed her. Hell, having her reject me now felt worse than any beating I’d taken, whether in the ring or in a dank alley.
“Harper—”
I lifted my hand to reach out to her, but I yanked it back when she slammed the door in my face.
18
HARPER
I cried. I’d thought I’d been alone before, but when I shut Reed out of my apartment, it felt as if I’d put more than just a door between us. He’d told me on the phone there was more to this… this thing between us. He hadn’t even wanted a relationship at first, and then he’d changed his mind. Reed, the guy who had ring girls tossing their panties at him, wanted me. Me! Somehow, even being across the Atlantic, he’d changed his mind. Wanted something real.
The first guy ever who wanted me for more than a quick fuck, and I pushed him away. All because of Cam. I couldn’t risk Reed getting hurt because of me. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to him. I could live with knowing he was safe. Barely. I’d leaned against the door, ensuring I didn’t rip it open and run to Reed, tell him I was sorry and jump into his arms. I slid to the floor, sat there and just cried. Cried like I had when I’d escaped from the elevator two years ago.
I’d told Reed I didn’t cry, that there weren’t any tears left. I’d been wrong. So wrong.
My cell rang again. I looked up, knew it was sitting on a small table by the door. Traitor. Reed had heard it, knew I was home. My heart leaped at the idea of it being Reed, so I scrambled to grab it.
It wasn’t him. Some local number I didn’t recognize. I pressed Ignore, then scrolled through the missed calls. Nine of them. Two had been from Reed just a little while ago, but before that. More.
Cam. And he hadn’t called on Christmas to wish me a happy holiday.
It had to be him. If the guys from the airport said I should give Cam what he wanted, then he’d be calling me to get it. Especially now that he was out of jail.
The ringing stopped. But he wouldn’t. Cam wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted from me. Money. It was all about the damn money. I could just give it to him, make him go away. But he wouldn’t. He never would. He’d used me his whole life.
I thought about what I’d told Reed, about my first time. I hadn’t thought much of it, not until I’d spoken the words aloud. I remembered. Cam had given me to his friend. For sex. I just had to wonder if Cam owed him too, and I’d been payment. Even at thirteen.
I rubbed my arms, a coldness settling over me. Cam had pimped me out, just like he had two years ago. Reed had seen it right away, but I hadn’t. Maybe I’d blocked it out, made it less than what it was to save my sanity. But that was gone now. Everything was gone now.
Somehow, I crawled to my bed, tossed the covers over my head. Wallowed. Cried some more. Darkness settled over the apartment, but I was afraid to turn on the light, worried that the guys from the airport were outside, looking up and maybe wanting to get to me. At some point, I fell asleep. I didn’t dream, didn’t even stir, perhaps thanks to jet lag. While I’d slept hard, I woke up before five, wide awake. The time change was messing with me, and I knew it would for several days. It was still dark, and I was still afraid to turn on my lights.
Between semesters, there wasn’t any work to do. No papers to grade, no meetings to attend. I couldn’t even go into HR and resign. All the offices were closed until after New Year’s. I thought of Reed, just a wall away. Wondered what he thought of me. How was I going to face him? To know he wanted something more, and I’d have to lie, to have him hate me to keep him away from me. If those goo
ns saw me with him… I shuddered at what they might do.