"I don't know what to say," she said softly. "I thought it was bad with
Matthew, the grief, the anger, but I couldn't have got through what you did."
"Yes, you would have done." He had tensed at her touch but made no effort to touch her, his body taut and still as he looked down at her.
"You've got more guts than any other lady I know."
"Wolf--' " You've got to hear it all, Lydia. " He moved away as though her close proximity hurt him, and she stood bereft, her heart thudding. Was he going to tell her all this and then leave? He was capable of it, she knew that, and she had no idea where all this was leading.
"I was in a mess for a long, long time, poison to myself and everyone else," he continued grimly.
"Truth became an obsession with me, as did the conviction that I could never trust another woman--they were good for one thing and one thing only." She flinched and he nodded slowly.
"That's how it was, Lydia, I'm not going to dress it up with fancy words and phrases. I had affairs with women who knew the score, were free and wanted a good time. There are plenty about," he added cynically.
"Then one day a blonde fireball stormed into my office _and put me in my place more effectively than it has ever been done before."
"It's been done before?" she asked, in a voice she had trouble keeping steady.
"Well, no..." His face relaxed for a moment.
"I've never been any good at taking criticism, believe it or not."
"I do." She didn't know if she could take much more of this without breaking down completely, she really didn't.
"And I thought, this one actually says it as it is." His voice held the note of amazement he must have felt at the time.
"No beating about the bush, no flannel, straight for the jugular. And then..." He stopped now and his eyes held hers steadily.
"And then I came into the office and found you in a huddle with the guy I knew was pulling a fast one."
"Mike was--' " No, I don't want to know. “He held her glance firmly. "
Whatever it is, I know you weren't involved with him now. "
"How?" she asked faintly.
"Because last night I walked the streets for hours and finally listened to my heart for the first time in years," he said slowly.
"I used to do it all the time once, before--' He stopped.
"And then I lost the knack--' " Whether you want to hear it or not, Mike is the husband of a close friend of mine," she said quickly as he paused for breath.
"I'd forgotten he worked for you and then he came in the office and asked me to keep quiet about it, said you didn't like your secretary to be friendly with the other employees--' _" He's a cute one. “He looked at her wryly.
"And you were worried how he'd survive after he left my employ? The guy will be the next prime minister."
"Wolf, I'm so sorry--' " I love you, Lydia. “There was all the emotion she could ever have wanted in his face, and as her heart began thudding she watched the ice-blue eyes mist over. “I mean I really love you. Not a for-the-time-being love. I've loved you from the minute I set eyes on you, can you believe that? “he asked, with a shred of desperation in his voice.
She tried to smile, but as her mouth quivered he moved across the short space separating them and pulled her into him, his body shaking almost as violently as hers.
"I don't deserve to ask but I'm going to anyway. Last night--last night you told me you cared. Have I destroyed that? Can you forgive me?"
The forgive you? “Her voice was muffled against his hard chest but it felt so good, so good, she would never have believed how good.
"But I've lied to you, it was all my fault--' “No. " He moved her into the circle of his arms, staring down at her mouth.
"I put you in an impossible position from the word go, I realised that last night as I roamed the city. You have Hannah to support, this house... What the hell were you supposed to do?"