‘Please, Coco, forget everything you think you know about us—how we met, what you think I did or lied about... Coco.’ I reach for her arm but then think better of it. ‘Coco, stop—just for a second—and look at me.’
She stops, but she doesn’t turn.
‘Please, Coco.’
My voice shakes, desperate, fearful. But I have to do this—I have to tell her. Even if she walks away again, at least she’ll know the truth.
Slowly she turns, her tormented green eyes lifting to mine. I don’t dare close the gap between us, scared of having her move off again. At least she’s looking at me now. And I know I look like shit, but I don’t care. I hope it will help show her what this is doing to me.
‘Spit it out, Ash.’
She raises her chin and wraps her arms around herself.
‘I love you.’
It trembles out of me, and it feels so good to say it, but she doesn’t react. Not even a blink. Did she not hear?
‘I love you, Coco.’
Her lashes flutter, her eyes water, and I push on.
‘I love you like I’ve never loved anyone in this world. I love you more than you can possibly begin to imagine. I didn’t set out to hurt you. I set out on a job, where everything was black and white. He was good; you were bad. You were like Jess.’
Her head shakes, her nostrils flare. ‘Don’t think I haven’t figured that much out.’
‘But you’re not. Christ, I knew that before I even met you in the club. I’d been tailing you for weeks, falling in love with you a little bit each day.’
She looks away. ‘Now you just sound like a stalker.’
‘I know.’ I rake my hand over my hair. ‘But I mean it. I followed you and discovered the real you—the person with a heart so big you spend your days seeing that other people are happy, and to hell with your own happiness.’
‘Then why didn’t you just tell Philip that and piss off?’ Her eyes spear me, fresh tears welling, and her cheeks streak red. ‘Why did you have to get close to me? Why did you have to make me care about you? Why?’
Oh, God, this is crushing me. I want to reach for her, pull her in, make everything all right. But I know she’ll run even if I dare.
‘I didn’t make you care about me. The person you ended up caring about is still me—how I’ve been with you is all real, all me.’ I take a breath and plough on. ‘That night in the club when you...propositioned me... I would’ve walked away had you been anyone else but you—I would have been able to. But I couldn’t. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself.’
She snorts out a laugh and wipes the back of her hand across her eyes. ‘So you’re blaming your dick now?’
‘No, I’m blaming my goddamn heart!’
She sniffs, her eyes widening over my outburst. But, hell, I’m going out of my mind. Why can’t I get it through to her that I love her?
‘I couldn’t leave you—not when I understood that Philip would stop at nothing to ruin your reputation. I knew that if it wasn’t me then another PI would be hired to tail you—a fact Philip proved when he did exactly that—and there was no preventing what they’d find. Your presence at Blacks, the things that go on there... Another PI wouldn’t be as bound to their own loyalties as me.’
‘You mean your friendship with Jackson?’
‘Yes.’
‘So really I have Jackson to thank that you didn’t dish the dirt?’
I shake my head, frustration mounting, my pulse racing.
‘I stuck around to protect you—don’t you get it? I kept him from getting what he needed even though I knew I was falling for you—falling for you and having to lie at the same time, hating myself for it even as I loved you.’
Her head is shaking rapidly. ‘That’s not love, and that’s not honesty. Trust—you should have trusted me with it.’
‘I couldn’t. I was scared. So scared of what you would do. Scared that you would go straight to Philip and have it out with him. And you’re too good for that. Whatever you said or did, he would always sink that bit lower, be that bit more devious. I couldn’t risk it—not until I knew I could protect you, build up some information of my own.’