My nerves are shot, I’m exhausted from lack of sleep and constant partying, and I’m drunk. Again.
I really need Ellie to keep me sane. Or else I may lose myself in this bullshit town.
18
Ellie
I hold my tiny, fragile mum against my body, using my strength to keep her on her feet. She’s so small now, from all of the chemo, that it doesn’t take much effort for me to hold her up.
We greet all of our friends, neighbors from our old town, Kate’s parents, my dad’s sister and her kids who are older than me, and mum’s cousin, the only family she has left in the U.K.
“Elizabeth, I’m so sorry,” my aunt says to my mum. “It’s so horrible what happened to Jack.” She sniffs and pulls out a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. “My brother,” Aunt Jessie chokes up, “he loved you both dearly.” She clutches my mum to her large breasts, forcing me to release my grip so she can pull her into an embrace. “You ring me if you need anything. I know I don’t live close, but…”
Mum nods and Aunt Jessie lets her go, helping to ease her back into my arms.
“Thank you,” I tell my dad’s sister. She looks so much like him that I can’t meet her eyes. It’s too hard, especially today. We finish speaking with the remaining guests and head for home, to start our new life, one without Dad.
Thirty minutes later, Kate’s dad is pulling into the parking space outside the crappy flats where we all live. Her parents, the Campbell’s, graciously offered to drive us to and from the cemetery since we don’t own a car. We all silently get out of the car, no one feeling comfortable enough to speak, and really, there’s nothing to be said.
Kate’s dad helps me get Mum to our flat, since there’s no lift in our building and we live two floors up. Once she’s settled on the sofa, so exhausted that she’s almost asleep as soon as she sits, I walk him to the door and thank him for the ride.
&n
bsp; “Ellie, it’s no bother. Will you and your mum be okay?” he asks, a now familiar look of pity in his eyes.
“No, Mr. Campbell, but we’ll manage,” I respond honestly. I mean, how are we supposed to be okay? Our world ended four days ago when a drunk on a piss up ran my dad down as he crossed the street. Nothing will ever be okay again.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie. Really. We’re just upstairs if you need anything. Please don’t hesitate,” Kate’s dad says kindly. He leans in and hugs me tight. “Ring Kate when you’re up to it, she’d want to hear from you.”
I nod into his chest, knowing that I won’t bother Kate with the problems she left behind. She got out, has a chance at a real life. Once she’s done with her summer football tour in the U.S., she starts university straight away.
My heart constricts at the thought of Kate in Los Angeles, going to the University of California without me. I manage not to think about Adam and what I’m giving up, just long enough to get Mum comfortable, before I hide under my covers and sob.
Everything’s gone. Dad. Kate. Adam. My life. My future. I have nothing. The only thing that keeps me going is Mum. I can’t let her down, I have to be strong for her. I will get her through this, then worry about myself and the flight I missed yesterday. Once my mum is better, I promise to myself.
I fall asleep and dream of warm, sandy California beaches and bright, hazel eyes.
* * *
I hurry to unlock the dead bolts on the door to our flat, hearing the phone ringing angrily on the other side. Shoving it open, I dump my handbag and run to the side table to answer.
When I see the number on the caller ID, I jerk my hand back as if the phone burned me.
Adam’s ringing, again. My eyes sting with unshed tears and I pull in a shaky breath. I can’t deal with him yet. I know it’s cruel and he doesn’t deserve it, but speaking to him and making it final will make everything real. I’m not strong enough yet to do what I know I have to do.
I vow to pick up when he rings tomorrow, and instead, sit at the table and fill out the forms that I picked up from the local School of Community and Health Sciences to enroll in the nursing program. Mum refuses to discuss me holding off school and getting a job. She insists that the benefits we receive from the government will be enough to get us by. I managed to get a small student loan, so our budget will be tight, but doable.
My mum doesn’t know, but I also got a part-time job at the hospital to help pay for my books and other fees not covered by the loan. By the time summer’s over and first term starts, I should have a tidy sum to use on other expenses.
Mum will be home from the doctor soon, it’s just a follow up, so she demanded that she go alone. With nothing to do but sit around and feel sorry for myself, I make a quick dinner and try to thumb through the university’s student conduct code, but I can’t concentrate. Overwhelming sorrow washes over me, draining my mind of hope and my body of its spirit. I thought moving to Hackney was hard and lonely, but it was a walk in the park compared to this. I’d suffer a thousand times the sadness I felt when we left Shepherd’s Bush for the East End if it meant never suffering through this kind of pain again.
I have never been more alone in my life.
* * *
The next day is long and grueling. Two appointments with Mum and a trip to the school to drop off my paperwork. I’m dead on my feet by dinnertime. I order a takeaway because I’m too knackered to cook. We eat our food silently in front of the telly. Well, I eat, Mum picks at hers, unable to eat much of anything.
After an hour-long bout of nausea, Mum is finally tucked into bed. I let her know I’m going to pop over to Tesco’s to get some shopping. I pull on my shoes and grab some money from the jar near the sink, stuffing it in my pocket.